MY ROOMMATE IS SUCH A DICK!

The Dick Cave

2012-01-17T10:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Dick Roommate,

You are the roommate from hell!

Initially I chose to overlook the disgusting state of your room, the bongs and booze mess everywhere, the complete disregard to the house, the abuse, the back stabbing, the messyness because I too am a bit messy, I too have little quirks that need ironing out but over the months I ironed them out, you did not and in fact became WORSE!! I overlooked most things because I couldnt afford to pay the rent on my own but now you have caused me to hate coming home, to be afraid to come home or even to go to bed at night. YOU ARE EVIL AND PURE POISON! You bring drugs into your house, drink copius amounts of alcohol and vomit everywhere. You will refuse to pay bills but expect the place to be immaculately clean. You happily sleep with married women and brings them home without any cause for concern in regards to what the respective husbands may do. You use your things and then treat them like crap, you're abusive, attempt to break things, threaten me, and continue to partake in ilegal activities.

Worse than anything, you drag my boyfriend out to your "man cave" and buy his friendship by giving him weed and booze and then to add insult to injury you sit there bagging me to him to try and convince him to dump me! All i have is one thing to say to you, I work in a prison bitch so don't mess with me!

A Crappy DIck

2010-08-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Shitmonster,

You shit all the time! Guess how I know? The trash can is filled with toilet paper rolls. You claim to use none of it, but the evidence points otherwise! Why lie? Either shit less or start coughing up some money for the toilet paper. I suggest laying off the oatmeal and coffee.

Vincent Van Dick

2010-08-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Just because you paid $70 bucks for this DOESN'T make it Art. I get it, you like smoking weed, now put it back in the closet!

Besides, this nice bong doesn't make up for your small dick.

- Tom

This Dick Needs A Kennel

2010-08-02T16:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

I was cool when you and your boyfriend decided to get the first dog. In fact, I actually liked him. I was even kinda o.k. with you getting the second one. But then you started putting pee-pads on the floor in the dining room, "just in case" you couldn't let them out in time. After that, you just turned into a lazy piece of shit! I love coming home for lunch, only to find trash torn up on the floor, and dog shit that you have left there since last night. Whatever, I just started staying in my room more often.

Then one day, I come home to find that you have decided to use MY bathroom as a damn dog kennel. Thank you so much. When I opened the door to take a shower, I almost puked in my mouth from the stench of dog shit smeared all over the blanket you left in there for them. So, since I'm in a hurry, I just decided to drag the blanket out in the hall so I could take a shower. While I was in the shower, you came home and saw that I put the blanket in the hallway. When I got out of the shower, you had the nerve to bitch at ME for not cleaning up the shit!!!!!! @#$% you! You're a stupid bitch! I know that you went through my jewelry. I know that you went through my trash. And I also know how many times you've had sex on my couch. I also recall cleaning the apartment every weekend, while you leave your blood stained panties on the living room floor.

I was willing to over look most things, but I'll be damned if someone is going to use my bathroom as a kennel. I'm even gonna post a picture. You're such a skank, I can't believe you even have a boyfriend, cause you're such a dirty bitch! You better thank GOD that we're all in the military, cause that's the only thing that kept me from beating the living shit out of you (I'm not a big fan of Article 15's).

Love,

The girl that's not a dirty bitch...

P.S. I'm the one that let your dogs chew up your debit card, and your fancy cloth napkins, and your gym shoes, and your favorite bra, and your orange nightie :) You're welcome.

AMANDA S.

A Crazy, Controlling, Pyscho, Bitch Ass, DICK!

2010-08-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

I overlooked the fact that you are a psycho bitch, and that your fiance is shady and self-absorbed, because me and my boyfriend couldn't make rent on our own and you were a pretty fun 'friend' to party with back in college. Not only do you verbally abuse my boyfriend and treat your fiance like crap in front of us (which is embarrassing for everyone), you act like you are queen of the townhouse and we are merely peasants compared to you! After your last princess-esque meltdown directed towards me and my boyfriend over ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKING OVER AND SPILLING YOUR CHEAP VODKA COOLER, I'd had enough and left the house for a few days to get away from you. Now you are trying to break the lease and leave me and my boyfriend on the streets??? The fact that you are acting like we 'did you wrong' and you need to get on with your life is BULLSHIT! You are in for a rude awakening because the law is on our side and you and your fiance can't just bounce on the lease. Also, if you keep this up, I'll tell your family the REAL and much more sordid reason you dropped out of college. Is screwing over me and my boyfriend worth being ex-communicated by your family once and for all; the only people that ACTUALLY like you (because they have to, though they have kicked you out enough times - which is why we are living together by the way!)??? Sure, shame on me for agreeing to live with you knowing full well how you can be. Shame on me again for picking up after you and your fiance and looking the other way when you break the house rules that YOU set in regards to pretty much everything!

You know what? Lets break this down a little:

YOU:
-Verbally and mentally abusive to everyone in the house
-Physically abusive TO YOUR OWN FIANCE!
-Think its ok to take out your anger on EVERYONE!
-Lock out me and my boyfriend ON A REGULAR BASIS
-Don't do any housework
-Think screaming at the top of your lungs "because it feels good to scream" is acceptable (even after noise complaints)
-Make your fiance pay for your ENTIRE share of rent and cable (even though you make just as much as him)
-Act like we have to completely bend to your will or we are "doing you wrong"
-Are a blatant and open racist towards our multi-cultural neighbors
-Two words: Control FREAK!
-Seem to be PROUD of the fact you are a psycho bitch and get mad at US for "not understanding"

ME:
-I had enough of you and left without saying goodbye for a few days which upset you...leading you to try to put me and my boyfriend out on the streets.

Guess what princess...KARMA IS A BITCH!!! Everything is going to catch up with you and then I'll be laughing. The fact that you are pretty is only going to get you by for so long until people can't forgive your ugly insides anymore; then you will be left in the dust! Even your fiance will get tired of your crap and leave you, heck, he already did once...who says he wont again?! Look around sweetie: I was your only friend left! I am NOT conceded enough to think you'll never make another friend in your life, but I can say with confidence you will NEVER have another good friend who unconditionally loves you and always have your back like I did...nobody did before me, so shame on ME for being so foolish!

I hope you don't go through with trying to break our lease because I NEED you right now. But I also hope that several months from now when the lease is expired and me and my boyfriend have enough money to live on our own, that I NEVER SEE YOUR CRAZY CONTROLLING PSYCHO BITCH ASS again!

From your FORMERLY caring and understanding roommate :-)

Fat Dick on a Little Bike...

2010-05-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

I find it awesome how everyone in the fucking house pays for your share of the rent. Never mind that you have a perfectly good (PAID FOR) car but decided that instead of paying rent, a new motorcycle would be better. Oh, and we all realized the shit you were pulling whenever one day we gave you money to pay the $200 overdue cable bill (overdue because your lazy ass never bothered to tell us about the bills that were piling up) and our cable still got shut off but miraculously, your cell phone bill and motorcycle payment got made on the same day. And we couldn't believe you had the balls to ask us for ANOTHER $200 for "the rest of what we owed the cable company". We are sick of your broke ass, and we are sick of you telling stupid "he-said-she-said" lies about all of us to the others behind our backs to pit us against each other for the fun of it. We aren't your goddamned entertainment, so stop making shit up to make us fight. None of us even believes you anymore. We hate your loud-ass bitchy girlfriend that acts like she's better than everyone, and we are sick of you inviting fucking rude high school tramps over, you pedophile pervert. You are 24 years old! That is sick!! Stop walking around the house in your underwear with 4 inches of your fat crack hanging out and GTFO of our house!!!

Sincerely,
Your roommates who up to this point, have had saintly patience.

P.S. Included is not a picture of you, but a picture of what you look like on that stupid motorcycle.

A Fair and Balanced Dick

2010-05-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Maybe I should have seen your psycho bitchiness coming, since you lived alone last year. Maybe I should have hightailed it out of here when you were mad at ME after YOU bought an ugly ass painting for the living room. Maybe when your boyfriend kept ringing our bell to summon you and then spending all his time here talking about himself, I should have just taken the loss and left. But no, I've been stuck with you all year long and it's gotten worse and worse as time goes on. I have HAD it!

You have shut lights out on me, shut doors on me, attempted to lock me out of the apartment, and ruined a pan of mine. You are very close-minded about politics and don't understand the basic structure of the American government system. I would rather get a root canal sans anesthesia than try to explain to you something about politics, because it's clear so much Fox News has inundated your brain that there's nothing left in there but pundits and their "fair and balanced" news and basic anatomical structures to keep your body from shutting down.

You apologize and then demand things in the same breath. I've had to hear you and your boyfriend have make-up sex because he was being a condescending asshole again not once, but THREE times! It's too bad you didn't see the fact that even though he bought you a promise ring (or so you told a friend of yours), he was still going to be a complete doucheknuckle. If I have to hear him come over to whine about getting food like he always does, or talk about himself, I will kick you both in the face repeatedly!

You're messy and have the responsibility skills of an infant. I have yet to seen you clean a single dish without leaving food stuck on, and it's nasty. You can't even lock the front door, and you always leave your light on just to piss me off. And you wonder why I said, "No" to having coffee with you last week? Go to hell!

Wishing you a long, miserable, and lonely life,

Your roommate

EDITOR'S NOTE: THIS DICK IS HOT, RIGHT?!

The Three Dick-Migos

2010-05-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommates,

Roommate number 1:

You've been here so long that you pretend that we're friends. You sit around the house all day drinking yourself stupid. I can hear the shit you say about me behind my back because you talk so fucking loud. Sober or not, you're such a fucking loud mouth. You told my fiancee', the owner of the house, that if he married me and my name gets added as an owner of the house that you would move out because you can't stand me having any control over you. What kind of souless monster insults someone's marriage before they get married? You! I am above you because my fiancee' owns this house. If you insult me then you insult him you nimrod. You stumble around this house as if you own it. You don't! You pay rent here so your ass isn't homeless and that's it! Every time there's an argument in this house you say that if your girlfriend was here that she'd kick my ass. I'm tired of hearing about your ex-stripper jailbird girlfriend. She's in jail for a reason. If she ever laid her hands on me I'd knock out her skinny ass and then throw her back in jail for assault. So don't mess with me. Stop borrowing money from my fiancee' and get a fucking job! Your college loan money isn't going to last forever and you're going to have to pay that shit back you idiot. I wish you'd pay what you out and then get the fuck out. Eventually everyone else will agree that it's time for you to go and I won't have to deal with you anymore. I plan to replace you with someone who's more nice, doesn't talk shit, and pays their rent on time like roommate number 3.

Roommate number 2:

You call yourself Playboy because you've cheated on every girl that you've dated. That is nothing to be proud of. You moved in and never paid us a fucking dime! My fiancee' is this close to kicking you out. He hates you and has made that very clear to me. Stop flirting with me because it isn't going to work. I've met players before and your sucking up is just pathetic. I heard you making fun of me for coughing this morning. How immature are you? You and roommate number 1 are laughing now, but not for long. When my fiancee' wakes up he's going to know how stupid you were being when I tell him. Roommate number 2, I should make fun of you. You've eaten almost all of the food that we just bought a week ago. You bought more to replace it and you've eaten that too. You smoke so much pot that it makes me fucking sick. If I owned this house I would have told you to take your pot and pills and get out. I'm tired of your mouth, and I'm not the only one that thinks that. Everytime you open your mouth nothing but lies and excuses pour out. You mumble and no one can understand what the fuck you are saying! You want to make fun of me for having a cold? Lets talk about how sick you are. You do so many fucking drugs that puke everyday. You are just like our last roommate and you'll be just as gone as she is when we boot you out. You say you don't like fighting, yet you keep making people hate you. My fiancee' has been nice enough to go and do temp. jobs with you and you don't pay him his fair share. Yesterday when you told my fiancee' that he's lazy and doesn't do shit on the job he was this fucking close to kicking you out that very second. Oh, speaking of which, I don't give a shit how much of a neat freak your "bootycall/girlfriend' is. I was a professional maid and I know how to clean just fine thank you very much. Your skank isn't here so don't tell me that my house is embarrassingly dirty. You almost got kicked out that last time my guy heard you say that, so you better not say it again. By the way, you owe us more money than what the rent costs. Stop borrowing money and shit that you can't afford. If you move out without paying us for your stay here than you'll be nothing but a bum. You don't move into someone's house promising them rent and then just up and leave at the end of the month. You will be such a disgrace if you do that. I hope we never get another roommate like you ever again.

Roommate number 3:

You have done nothing wrong yet. Thank you. You paid 2 months rent up front when you moved in, you're not messy, and you haven't eaten all our food. I'm sorry that roommate number 2 says that your girlfriend is fatter than me. It's an isult to both me and your girlfriend. You don't talk much and keep to yourself, but that's how I like it. It's not your fault my fiancee' stayed up with you until 4 a.m. playing video games and kept me up so long that I was too tired to go out on mother's day with my fiancee's mom. That was my guy's fault, but we're still working on that issue on "How late is too late?" when we have stuff to do in the morning. But so far you have been great and I hope we can replace roommate #1 and roommate #2 with people that are more like you. Thank you for keeping a steady job and being a role model for these other two idiots.

A Greasy Dick

2009-12-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

You are seriously disgusting. I’m glad that you overheard my friend saying that you smelled because ever since you’ve actually showered daily instead of once a week. Your hair is still a gross mess and looks like you wash your hair with vegetable oil its so greasy. You’re so rude to all of my friends and you think that its ok to stick your nose up at people when they walk by. Your ex knows that you cheated on him- twice. He hates you almost as much as I do. The best part is that you think that he would do anything for you. I’m surprised he hasn’t shoved peanut butter in your face to kill you. I find it hilarious that you own so many different body washes but you constantly smell like ass because you never wear deodorant because you “don’t sweat” and in the “off chance that [you] do” because it “doesn’t smell”. Newsflash- you literally smell like ass.

I seriously love that we have not spoken in six days. This has been the most amazing six days of my life. Also, please stop spilling Coke underneath the futon- I’m sick of cleaning up your messes when I leave to go home and find a puddle of almost solidified coke on the floor. Take a fucking shower and wash your greasy ass hair, then maybe you’ll be bearable since people can’t fucking stand you and your snooty attitude.

Patiently awaiting your slow and painful death,

Your Roommate

A DRUNKEN DICK

2009-06-23T11:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for being such a douche. I really appreciate how you lick & suck your dirty silverware "clean" before throwing it back in our drawer without washing it. Your tongue isn't a dishwasher, you filthy f*ck! I love how you snatch our TV remote away from my side while I'm in the middle of watching a fuc*ing movie, dick. You "wanna see if somethin' else is on"??? What the fu*k did you think I was doing? Admiring the wall behind it? Get your gay DVDs off the TV, stop walking your fat ass around the house with no shirt on & your ass crack showing. Stop thinking I stole your cheap fuc*ing wine, douche. You just drink that red cuntwater until you pass out & forget where you left the bottle. Do you honestly think Bonnie won't fu*k you because she's gotta bf? SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOUR FAT ASS!!!! Stop putting dirty dishes back in the cabinet, lard ass. "Can't tell that they're dirty" ? Fucking look at them!!! There's spots and food all over them!! What the fuck is wrong with you? I truly hope you enjoy brushing your teeth every night & morning with my cum & piss, fucktard.

P.S: Recipe for roommate vengeance

STEP 1: Piss on toothbrush, squeeze dry with toilet paper so he won't notice a wet brush.

STEP 2: Cum in a cup & pour into the toothpaste container, put cap back on. Squeeze and squish container until the paste & cum become homogenous.

A Dick That Intimidates

2009-06-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

I used to be an atheist but since meeting you I have been forced to believe in
God because you are the fuc*ing devil. In the unfortunate year I have lived with
your ass, you have threatened to kill me, threatened to burn down our house,
threatened to steal all of my shit (a lot of which you have stolen), threatened
to sleep with my boyfriend and threatened to move out (at LEAST 6 times.)
Important here is the word "threatened" because your bitch ass would never do
any of these things; especially the last, because even though your parents pay
your rent (because you are unemployed and have failed out of two colleges) your own parents have refused to let you move back in with them. They'd rather pay to keep you away.

By the way, I've been lying about how much our rent is every month. Figured your mom and dad could spare the extra $50. The way I see it, it covers all of the cleaning I have to do to make this house bearable. The smell that comes from your room has actually made me throw up. Twice.

Exhibit A: Our bathroom sink, the day after I cleaned the bathroom.

Thanks bitch,

Your roommate

A Tone Deaf Dick

2009-06-02T11:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Singing Dick Roommate,

NO ONE wants to hear you sing! You are an emo piece of sh*t. Your "lyrics" are lame and confirm what a fuc*ing loser you are. Get a life and grow some balls.

Sincerely,

Your Roommate who is plotting your rapidly approaching death.

The Douche Rangler

2009-03-29T23:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Roomie,

Clean up your damn douche-city. It's the one by your bed. And stop bitching about not "having any clean coffee mugs." I just found you one. Don't wanna clean? Hire a maid-oh, wait, you'd need a job that actually pays.

Signed, Yours Truly,

The Useful Roommate

The Bouncing Dick

2009-03-29T23:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Yet again you have screwed me over. I thought I was done with you finally, but you have somehow managed to come back. With what, you may ask?

Oh come on guess, it's not that hard.

Ok, you dumb fuck, you have succeeded in BOUNCING another check. This is the 5th. 5 out of 8 checks! That's more than half.

More than half.

Are you fucking stupid? Do you think that there's imaginary money in your back account? You sat over there at the other house bitching about cable and internet. I bounced one single check. One in my entire life, and you have the audacity to bitch and moan about it. I am positively sure now the 5 you have bounced here were not your first.

You think its okay to stiff all 5 of us by not paying rent for February, and moving out on the 5th. Let's play the common sense game. Don't worry, I'll spell it out for you:

Yes, I agree with you - for once - that I said that if you pay first month and security I would let you have the 3rd month free. This was okay because you told me and everyone else that you were only staying that long. I knew exactly when I would have to come up with the other 340 dollars. Then you decided to stay. That's where your free month stopped being part of the deal. You said you were staying for the whole time, meaning June, since that's when we signed the lease until. Are you an idiot? You can't just move out without giving notice when you had made further plans to stay until June. No one knew you were moving out until Feb 4th. (DEFINITION OF NOTICE: Not the 4th day into the month you are already late paying for. Simple enough for you?)

OF course you decided to come Feb 5th to move your shit out, and of course I wasn't here to make sure you knew exactly how much you owed me. Not to mention you let that stupid cunt bitch of a whore *Gina into my house. (Yes, Gina, I called you a cunt. I'm not planning on getting back in your good graces, so I don't really care if you still hold that against me two years later. Sometimes, there just isn't a better word.)

Oh, and your room. Your messy, smelly fucking, shitty paint job of a room. Are you a fucking schizo? Two different ugly colors? Why would you paint your room like that? Why would you attempt to paint your room at all? You suck at it. Yes, you smell like shit. Soap and water, it's not a hard concept, so wash your feet. The mess you left was just ridiculous. Your nasty period blood on the sheets, crap all over the floor, the paint job of course, and your smell. Just gross. Actually, it kind of reminded me of your mouth.

While cleaning up the mess that wasn't mine I discovered you were a klepto. Not really surprising after everything else. *Cara's make-up that you told her you didn't have was lying behind the dresser. The spaghetti spoon *Melissa and I bought and have been looking for was lying under the futon with that ugly red paint all over the handle. WHY WOULD YOU STIR PAINT WITH A KITCHEN UTENSIL? Why would you ruin something that wasn't yours? Who taught you to be so incredibly inconsiderate? Seriously. Did you have a nice little giggle when your first grade mindset gave you the idea to hide it under the bed?

Anyway. The moral of this story is you owe me another $350 dollars for the 5th bounced check. In cash. I feel like I have to explain that, since I'm not the retarded one here. By Friday. This Friday. I don't want to see your face, so just leave it under the "LEAVE" mat in front of our door, then do what the mat says.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of owed money, start saving up for your portion of the heat bill. You better believe we're going to have you sign something that guarantees your cheap ass is going to chip in for that.

* NAMES CHANGED....

Dick-Gyver

2009-03-01T19:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Grow the fu*k up and gain some maturity so that when my friends come over to visit and need a place to sit, you stop tying your chair to the desk. Why did you tie it with thread? WHY THREAD!? If I was that fucking stupid I would at least use rope or something substantial to make me use a bit of effort to regain access to the chair. And your intense paranoia that I'm going to steal your shit is getting old too. Who did I catch stealing my books, clothes, and condoms? Yes douche bag, it was you. But somehow you felt it was necessary to not so strategically place pieces of tapes on all your drawers and closet? Seriously? Rot in hell thieving dick.

Hugs and Kisses,

Your Roommate

A Broke Ass Dick

2009-03-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Ahh, where do I begin? Let's start with when we met, and you were 10s of thousands of dollars in debt. I decided to be cool and invite you out, even offering to pay for your drinks. Yes, I'm awesome. Or how about the dozens of times that you asked to borrow money? Hell, why not? I'm a responsible adult with a job....and you...well, you're you. I definitely appreciate all of the times that I bought weed, and you smoked as much as you could, and never offered to pay anything. Not to mention all of the times that you stole it from me, and then on the rare occasions when you bought for yourself, never offered to share. I'll leave out all of the filth you leave all over the f**king place, since you're apparently too fucking stupid to clean anything. I love the fact that you buy the absolute cheapest sh*t you can find for the house...the paper towels that couldn't clean up mouse piss with an entire roll, the trashbags that tear if you put anything in them that weighs more than 4 ounces, or the awesome puerto rican food that smells like rice mixed with dog sh*t. By far, the best part is having your disgustingly hideous girlfriend living in the house for the past 3 months, and saying that she is going to pay part of the utilities. Damn right she's paying part of the utilities....MY part, since I'm not giving you any money for this month or last. I and my girlfriend don't work our asses off to support you and yours, especially when yours hasn't had a job since you met her. The creepiest thing....your "girl"friend looks exactly like you...only more ugly, and with smaller tits. 10 more days, and I will have absolutely no contact with you ever again, unless it's to beat your ass and collect a check. By the way, you can say that you used to do muay thai all you want, but we all know that you're one lip away from being a 5'10" vagina.

A Wadded Up Dick

2008-12-14T14:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Roomate,

Thank you for leaving all your f*cking garbage all over your room and bailing on the rent for this month. I truly appreciate it. I also appreciate the fact that you decided you're not going to be paying rent for the next few months (ok then get the hell out!) and went to another effing city before saying you won't be coming back for your crap, leaving your crap laying around, and of course, leaving the fantastic bottle of lotion and balled up kleenex (circled) for me to clean up. F*cking sick. Who the hell does that? Seriously! walking into your room was like walking into a pile of stale sweaty laundry. open a damn window if you're going to stay locked in your room playing WoW all day, and take a freaking shower. My god.

Thanks,
your (former) roommate

Junk Yard Roommate

2008-04-01T14:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for the unique opportunity to share an apartment with you. How could I imagine that all your stuff you first put down when we moved in, was really where you wanted it to be....

How could I also imagine that you would blame me for trying to have a clean/organized apartment? What was I thinking???

Besides that, I can only be happy when you point out to me that I didn't do *YOUR* dishes...shame on me, of course...

The Angry Face

2008-04-01T14:17:00.001-07:00

Dear Roommate, (aka "angry face" as everyone calls you behind your back)

What is the point of stockpiling all your food in your own room when theres a kitchen? We don't eat your stuff because we know what a bitch you'd be about it, and hell, half the time you eat our shit. Stop being such a paranoid, selfish, glutton and maybe people would stop hating you for being a self centered prick.

P.S. It may not seem like it but, everyone hates you. Everyone.

The Puke Bucket

2008-03-31T14:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

My laundry basket is not the puke bucket, which was inches away.

Thanks for not cleaning up your mess or at least paying me the 5 bucks in quarters it took to do my laundry

You’re a dick!

A Dick Looking for His Runway

2008-03-31T14:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Those cleaning products I installed in the bathroom? That was a hint for you to clean the fucker! You don't flush, which is bad enough, but why is there dried toothpaste up the shower walls and splattered all over the roller blind? I also put soap and a fresh white towel in there with the hope that you would wash. You obviously took the hint, the towel is now black. Furthermore, whenever you open your bedroom door, everyone wants to throw up from the smell. It looks like a bomb dropped in there. You haven't washed your bedding since we moved in, in September (its now march), and you only washed your clothes when i told you it was vile to sleep in them then wear them for class. That stupid turmeric powder has stained everything in the kitchen yellow, there is sugar and coffee encrusted onto the counter and rice in the sink. and why dont you just go shopping instead of eating MY food?! And yes, we all LOVE to hear you jumping around the kitchen singing Savage Garden at all hours of the day. Good luck with the music career you so wish to pursue. You sound like a strangled cat. We know you study fine art, but surely theres no need to cover every available surface in various shades of the rainbow. Thats right, in case you hadn't noticed, our house is not a canvas and theres paint over every fucking thing. Finally... we do not appreciate you telling us how gorgeous you are. Hate to break it to you but your an ugly bitch with a fat ass and WAY too much body hair, and why does nothing you wear ever match? You think you could be a model?! Your 23 years old, stop acting like a damn child. Stop staring at your ugly self in every reflective surface and taking photos of yourself. Here is a picture of you. I'm sure plenty of modelling agencies will be wanting to snap you up now. You complete and utter dick.

An Ingrown Dick

2008-03-31T14:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Showing you the "My Roommate is a Dick" website was so you'd get the HINT! The house smells like your dirty dishes and your dog's piss! Also Do Your Fucking Dishes! And just because I let you use my gravy mix twice, does not mean that you can use all but one serving! And while you are at it, DO NOT CALL ME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE YOU ARE NAKED BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN IN GROWN HAIR ON YOUR BOOB!

YOU CRAZY PYSCHO BITCH YOU ARE NASTY,

YOUR ROOMMATE

The Dirty Sanchez

2008-03-31T14:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Ya know its bad enough I forbid you from using my pots and pans because you leave them in the sink for weeks at a time but now you won't clean the diahrea splatter on the underside of the toilet seat, from your recent F%&k budy that came to visit last weekend... I hope your boyfriend finds out you are cheating on him well as a matter of fact I think a little birdy may have already told him.... Grow up! Your 25 and you act like your 12. Oh no do I see another tantrum coming?!!!!

Waaa Waaaa Waaa

P.S your new nickname is Dirty Sanchez and I am telling everyone till you clean up your crap!

Roommates Headed for a Rubber Match

2008-01-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

When I said I would split groceries with you, I didn't think it would include the box of condoms. Not only that, you put your initials on 6 of em. What the fuck is that all about. At least be happy one of us in the house is getting laid you cheap f*ck.

The Dick Mitten

2008-01-24T22:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Listen we share a dorm room and I could clearly hear you jerking off last night. What was more revolting, though, was waking up this morning and finding this "thing" and realizing you were drilling a RUBBER VAGINA!

I may never sleep soundly in this room again.

Nintendick

2008-01-21T11:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

You love video games, I get it. This is a little ridiculous, though. Can you please explain why we're home to the "video game museum." I mean, really? What the F*ck is a Dreamcast? Its bad enough having a veritable jungle of wires and consoles scattered across our apartment, but HALF OF 'EM DON'T EVEN WORK. How do I know? I hear you "blowing" in the nintendo cartridges and watch you hit reset a thousand times on every cd based system. You wanna know the worst part -- and it's not telling girls "there not mine" like it's some sort of dirty porn -- it's watching my parents eyes drift to the mountain of video games as I explain that I may be flunking accounting. Long story short, they no longer pay for my tutor ( they think the money is going somewhere else).

PS. I'm using this same photo to post all your shit on e-bay. Thanks for paying for my tutor.

Call Me When You're Not a Dick

2008-01-17T11:15:00.001-08:00

Dear Roommate,

The telephone line running to your room was 40 years old, and bound to snap eventually. That gave you NO excuse to "retaliate" by cutting through the ethernet cable going into my room, which I'm sure you did while you were high. Thank Goodness you're a total moron and didn't realize that that cable went to our OTHER roommate's room, so HE'S the one who hasn't had internet for three weeks. We'll be meeting today to talk about kicking your sorry ass to the street. Eat the curb, Dick!

Small Undies, Big Ass, Huge Dick

2008-01-16T15:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Just because the first time we were getting rid of all the crap we didn't need we had a rental truck at the time... does NOT mean we only get rid of crap only when we have a rental truck. YOU HAVE WAY TOO MUCH SHIT SO GET IT OUT OF MY LIVING ROOM, KITCHEN, AND BATHROOM.

You also steal my underwear. It's one thing to steal a girl's underwear, but when you take them out of the dirty clothes hamper in my room... that's what we all call "creepy". It's also weird considering you've got a bigger ass than mine. I got a lock on my door so you're stop going into my room and stealing things (oh and denying it when I ask you if you've seen something, because you know very well I've never accused you of anything before), and then wearing my things, stretching them out because I'm an extra small/small while you're a medium/large...

Stop trying to convince everyone that I'm delusional and making things up because you never want to own up to anything. I have a mood disorder called Bipolar Disorder not a severe psychological disorder call psychosis or schizophrenia... PLUS I'M HEAVILY MEDICATED AND YOU'RE NOT. By the way, you STOLE my $700 pearl earrings, you didn't "borrow" them thinking I wouldn't mind. You also acknowledged that you went through my dirty underwear to make up the story that resulted in you going through my underwear drawer and finding said earrings. Funny, I had told you two or three days before hand how I never wear them because I'm scared of losing them, but they're insured. Hmm... and I don't make sense? Just because you got mad/disagree about the police report I filed against you doesn't make what you did okay. You were wrong, not me.

P.S. Quit making fun of my music because it's not some shitty music I heard on college radio. I'll listen to my Radiohead as fucking loud as I want to. Your emo music is whiny, not Thom Yorke. Whore.

Don't Let a Dick Touch Your Pooh

2008-01-14T23:26:00.002-08:00

When I said you could borrow my Pooh doll for an art project, I didn't have this in mind. Dick

Colon-Blow

2008-01-14T23:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

This isn't what I had in mind when you told me you were finally "cleaning up" your life!

Outside of grossing me out, this new years resolution is clogging our toilet.

YOU WRITE THE LETTER!

2008-01-14T23:07:00.001-08:00

Sometimes we get a submission from a roommate who is SO upset, he/she has forgotten to include the letter. When this happens, we invite you to help write it!

More High Pitched than High!

2008-01-10T22:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Not sure if this makes you a dick or just a straight up retard, but THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS NITROUS!! When you said you could "hook it up" and you only needed $10 bucks from me, I shoulda known. Judging by this incident its probably best you screwed this one up, you need all the brain cells you can hold onto.

CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER DICK ROOMMATE

2008-01-10T21:52:00.001-08:00

Dear Former Roommate,

I'd like to clear my conscience with a confessional. When we lived together, it was the late 90's. There was no website like this for us to turn to...otherwise I'm sure that we would have. Unfortunately, digital photography was in it's infancy and we were poor college students with no cameras, so the picture is a recreation.

I remember how you kept house...clean when sex was on the line (sex for you anyway). When it was on the line, it was like a hospital. When it wasn't...well we had some phantom odors on occasion. When it was bad enough, in home or car, you would clean it to get rid of as you'd say "ass smell". Usually the rotting garbage in your car would get your attention on a weekly basis. Sometimes, the apartment wouldn't get your attention as easily.

When I couldn't get you to clean the house, I decided to take matters in my own hands. The recipe from what I recall was the following: 1. Pour 1-2 capfuls of milk between garbage can and liner. 2. wait several days.
In those several days, I watched in amazement as you sterilized all that was violated only days before.

All good things come to an end. You discovered the source of the "ass smell". I don't know if it was confusion or confrontation, but when you asked if I had an idea of what caused that odor, I bit my lip hard enough to bleed in an effort to keep from laughing.

I apologize for my dick ways. I hope in some way, that I've reformed...for the sake of my current roommate - my wife.

Signed
Formerly Dickly but still friends...

Thank God He Didn't Leave His Dog

2008-01-10T21:42:00.001-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for watering the plant while I was away on Christmas vacation.

Saint Dick

2008-01-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Remember that day we were all psyched about finally restocking our bar. Yeah that was awesome!

Sooo...what the f*ck happened between December 24th and December 25th? I was gone one day!

Thanks for the Christmas gift, asshole.

A Fat Dick

2007-12-17T00:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Until your fat ass decides to lose some weight, your privilege of riding my scooter has hear-by been REVOKED. Thanks for putting the air pump in the tire and all, but when you've already popped the fuc*ing tire under your 260 pound lard ass, it makes filling it up with air kinda difficult.

P.S Can making you walk and actually get some exercise be a bad thing?!

A Dick that Likes to Bitch

2007-12-13T23:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Door, my roommate....my roommate, the door. I'd like the two of you to meet because I think you've misunderstood the door's purpose. When its closed, that means STAY THE F*CK AWAY!!

It doesn't mean come knocking at 1 in the morning bitching that your boyfriend (who's across the country) has been ignoring you for 2 days. You two live 2,000 miles apart, I hate to break it to you but he's banging other girls.

The door closed also means to stay out of it when I'm not home. Doesn't mean come in and pull whatever clothes you want out of my closet. You're easily 30 pounds heavier than me, and you're stretching all my stuff out!!

An International Dick

2007-12-13T22:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate (or wombmate since you can't say R's)

Please stop being a thief. Now that you have left with a new bike, jersey, 2x pants, rugby socks, washing basket, iPod, tennis raquet, untold numbers of Mitch's T shirts, nike shoes and possibly a guitar tuner, please stop stealing stuff!

When you pulled a bit off your car and threw it away and then the door didn't stay closed we thought you were just random. When mitch asked for his shirt back after you said you'd give it back, and then you said you lost it, we thought it was funny enough to let it slide. But then you took so much other stuff when you went back to your home country, we have decided you are not a good friend!

September and November payments to the flat bank account were pretty much optional so thats okay that you missed them. And because you don't pay towards the upkeep of the flat you aren't allowed to do any cleaning. Dont you dare do any! You already cleaned the toilet once back in June, that is more than enough, Bucko!

The landlord and a representative from the city council both want money from you as well.

Good luck with being a policeman in your home country.

Dick Trying to Kill the Pussy

2007-12-12T11:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

When I find the person that thought it was funny to give my cat a fu*kin Xanax, I’m gonna give him an $800 ass whoopin!!! I know it was one of your high friends who would take it up the ass for some weed and pills. I can’t believe I would leave you alone with my cat long enough for me to go to wal-mart let alone to the beach with my family. Did you even feed him while I was gone…anything besides pills, that is?!! If you don’t turn over the person that led to me gettin an $800 vet bill, I’m gonna kick your ass…again, you fu*kin pussy!

PS: You need to pack your shit and get out!
PSS: We’re breaking up!!!
PSS: I cleaned out the litter box goodies and baked you a treat. I hope you enjoyed those oatmeal cookies, you hungry bitch!!!!

A MOLDY DICK

2007-12-12T11:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

How do I know you haven't been washing your dishes? How about when mold starts growing inside the glass!!! Your a filthy human being. Tonight, I'm throwing every damn piece of glassware out and replacing it with paper cups and plates. Your clearly just not ready for the BIG responsibility of washing your dishes.

P.S I'm nauseous now!

ROCK DICK...ROCKS ON

2007-12-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

As if listening to you "rock out" at 2 in the morning wasn't bad enough, NOW YOU HAVE A FU*KING BAND?!! Are you kidding me with this fu*king shit.

GET OUTSIDE...ALL YOU YOU!!

DICK OF THE WEEK!! Good, Good, Vibrations

2007-12-10T17:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Oh my god! Oh my god! What were you possibly thinking?? Did it really seem alright for you to clean "that" in there. You are a filthy human being. You're buying us all new plates and silverware!! I mean...FILTHY!!

A Dealing Dick

2007-12-10T10:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for starting to deal drugs again. I really love tons of strangers and old dudes coming into our house at all hours, especially since you can't hear them pounding on the door and I constantly have to get it.

Also, thanks for just being a douchebag in general by throwing raw meat in our garbage which makes our whole house smell like ass and NEVER taking it out!!! And thanks for being a sexist dickwad and just f*ck Saadia already, the sexual tension between you two is starting to make me sick. The secret is wait until she has 4 beers, she'll open up for anyone.

p.s. Enjoy your lonely weekend bottle of jack daniels, fat ass!

A Sh*tty Dick

2007-12-10T10:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

It fu*kin pisses me off when I go home for Thanksgiving break, and I come back to find that you have completely destroyed the couch with some kind of sh*t stain. I'm not worried about the fact that the apartment was clean when I left, but how the hell did that damn cooch smelling stain get all up and down the side of the couch like that.....FU*KING FREAK!!!.....I knew yo girl was dirty, I told you several times, yet you refuse to listen. I'm calling the cleaners and your fu*kin paying for it........

P.S: My Grandma saw the damn couch and started crying because that's the couch my grandpa died on..........she gave us the couch and you defiled it with yo nasty ho-bag.......you inconsiderate fu*k!!!

An Enterprise-ing Dick

2007-12-07T16:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

What the f*ck?!!! I can no longer try and explain why there are Star Trek photos ALL OVER OUR HOUSE!

That show's been off the air for like 10 years, let it go! I don't even know who the hell this bitch is. Keep your photos in the bedroom, and out of our den!

P.S I found your Spock ears in my room and flushed em' down the shitter!! Good luck at the convention.

My Roomate is a Dyck

2007-12-07T16:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

You wanna know why I do sh*t like throw your things into a huge pile at the bottom of the stairs? It's because you're a disgusting pig and I happened to be having people over. I know you think you're clever and maybe getting "revenge" by going into my room and writing all over my dry-erase board, but all I do is laugh at your ass cause you clearly have no clue HOW TO SPELL!!

GET A LIFE!

Par for a Dick

2007-12-07T16:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

It's December...we live in Massachusetts...why the hell are you golf clubs still sitting in our hallway?! If I'm still looking at these over Christmas I'm cracking your $400 dollar "Cleveland" driver on top of your head!!

Why doesn't this bother you?

Dick of the Sea

2007-12-06T18:13:00.001-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Please don't leave your smelly tuna fish out for more than one day. You got it the sink, that's step one. Step two is washing it!!

We live in a house full of girls, you've succeeded in making it smell like a yeast infection in here.

THANKS DICK!!

A Roommate's Boiling Point

2007-12-06T18:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

It's November in Wisconsin, not nuclear winter in Siberia. There's no reason to turn the thermostat up to 90 degrees unless you're dying in your bedroom or something. And if you are, go to the fucking hospital and pay your own damn bill!

Sincerely,
The Person Who Puts on Socks and Sweaters When She Gets Cold, You Stupid, Lazy Dick.

THIS BLOGGER IS A DICK

2007-12-06T17:57:00.001-08:00

SORRY GUYS...BEEN AWAY ON VACATION

BACK TO THE REAL DICKS....

Revenge of the Roommate II

2007-11-20T11:41:00.000-08:00

Payback is a Bitch

2007-11-19T12:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Having that first girlfriend is a rememberable event in one's life. Especially if that first girlfriend let's you f*ck her on the first date. I'm happy for you. Truly. But f*cking her like clockwork at 6:45 AM every f*cking day, including Saturdays and Sundays for the past 3 f*cking weeks when I'm in the f*cking room is a bit f*cking ridiculous. Could you at least wait until I take a shower? Or put a gag over her f$cking mouth so I don't wake up. Hopefully you've been inspecting those condoms a little closer lately! I'm guessing you'll start to cut down once she starts "showing." HAHA...suck it bitch!

Spray On Dick

2007-11-19T12:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Just wanted to say THANKS! I really enjoyed coming back into town to find cigarette butts in my room, things in my bathroom broken, half of my food eaten, and let’s not forget the new Spraypaint theme on our walls. Cool man…cool.

And the Award for Angriest Roommate goes to...

2007-11-16T15:18:00.001-08:00

My room mate is an psuedo accountant bitch who thinks she is Jesus (Their supplied title)

Dear Roommate,

Thank you again for deciding that we won't pay rent month to month. Thanks for making the choice that instead of paying monthly you will pay the first 2 months ahead of time and just fucking let me pay two entire months rent by myself. Because lets face it, a 21 year old male loves to fucking stare at money in his account he can't touch because you're too fucking stupid to budget it yourself.

I really appreciate that. Hey also, you know how you and your boyfriend are long distance for the last year and you think that makes you fucking Zeus? Well fuck off, your long distance because no one can fucking stand you more then 2 days. How do I know? Ever notice how when he comes down he fucking stops talking to you Sunday afternoon and comesto kick it with me? Its not my Xbox 360 you bitch, its just that hehates you.

Remember those little fucking flower lights you put over MY entertainment stand that houses MY HDTV, MY Xbox 360, MY media PC, MY wii, MY stereo? Ya well get this: There only fucking lights if your dumb ass plugs them in, if you don't.. guess what! THERE JUST FUCKING GAY. You think I drink too much beer? You try living with you, seewhat the fuck you drink. I use to fucking drink once a week, now I drink 3 times a god damn day to prevent myself from throwing your goddamn dog out the window.

Oh that reminds me, ever heard of dogtraining? I know you fucking never did it, the god damn dog breed house breaks it self. Don't fucking believe me? Check Wikipedia you cunt. You think its cute how it won't bark, it just whines really loud. I think its the fucking worst noise ever created, next to your stupid arrogant bitch voice. You know that doggy door you made ME install because you fucking couldn't understand weather stripping and silicon seal? Guess what, it fucking blows. It just makes it about 400 times easier to fucking rob us. Now, not only does our slidingglass door lock NOT FUCKING WORK, there is a god damn 14 inch by 8inch HOLE they can fucking reach in through. That little plastic cover does SHIT to stop it. I FUCKING SHOWED YOU. So your idea was to use a wood shelf to wedge the god damn door close was it? Good idea, EXCEPT for the fucking HOLE in the DOOR because of YOUR DOG.

Remember that one time you sent me the wrong text bitching about how I always short you for money? Maybe I should start splitting the rent so that you actually pay more then half. You do fucking live in the master room. Why did you need to live there again?? You have more clothes? I've only ever see you wear the same fucking 8 shirts and 5 pants. What the FUCK is the rest for?! And by the way, giving you 80$ for a bill that's 81.23$ isn't shorting you.It would be shorting you if you fucking accepted visa and I could charge that much. But you don't, you want cash. Who the fuck carries 1.23$ in there pocket?! NO ONE. Take the fucking 80$ and let me buy you a god damn double cheese burger in exchange. Jesus fuck. You cheap cunt.

Last thing, you know those two stupid ass water jugs you ALWAYS keep in the fridge? THERE NOT YOURS. We fill them back up with the water from the fountain. THE WATER WE PAY FOR. So you have two jugs, ONE OF THEM SHOULD BE MINE. So if I fucking want to drink OUT OF IT because refilling the TINY ass cups you keep is a HUGE fucking annoyance, then you can go to hell.

Sincerely,
The guy who drinks "All the time" and always "shorts you on bills", Fucking Mad as Hell at the Bitch in OV.

P.S. I fucking moved in with a girl because they were suppose to be cleaner and calmer. What the fuck happened to you? And if you callme a woman infront of anyone ever again, I will fucking kill that bitchy ass dog of yours.

A Hustling Dick

2007-11-15T23:20:00.001-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Stop sleeping on the fucking couch in your underwear. I've already asked you to SLEEP IN YOUR FUCKING BED. It wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't of told me that you quit your full time job to have sex for money. The fact that you think I believe women pay YOU for sex is insulting. Please, I know you suck dick; you also left your email open on my computer. It was really nice reading about all the men who want to jizz all over you, and then finding you 'napping' in my bed. Also, clean up the fucking bathroom, when you piss on the seat wipe it off and stop leaving your cum scraper on the counter. Seriously. Oh yeah and one more thing, stop using my fucking phone to arrange your 'work'.

This Dick's Got Tits

2007-11-15T09:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

1. A shower every other day, normal. not once a week.2. Why do you brush your teeth while in the shower???(for the warmwater... cuz it comes outta the faucet)3. You left your dishes on the side of the sink for a week and a half.My family came that weekend, and yours but still it took you untilsunday (dirty since LAST thursday)
* This is getting to the good part *Yes, I do it too. When I am fixing my hair, i may drop some hair onthe ground. You see the difference is that ... I PICK UP AFTER MYSELF.Dont even try to say its my hair. I have short wavy black hair, youhave long, straight brown hair, no difference. And i know it is hardfor you do, but you lied and said you like to clean. I have not seenit yet. and your over 18, and are FULLY capable of washing your ownclothes. stop taking them home to your parents.
Did your parents ever teach you that when you go out into public, youshould cover your boobs so you dont look like a hoe? Oh .. Wellwonderful rommie of mine I am here to tell you to cover your tits(which are too big and nasty for all our good). i have 2 of my own tolook at. Fat + leggings + low-cut tops = me holding back from throwingand callin you a skanky wanna be hoe.
P.s.~~I'm buying you a broom for christmas.
P.P.s ~~ I disinfect the room as much as I can, I dont like dirty people... YOU
Look at the 2d picture. Our room looks like there is a shedding dogliving in there. Oh, its you.

DICK ROOMMATES IN THE NEWS!!!

2007-11-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

A Brisbane darts club manager was bashed to death after throwing a bonsai plant at his flatmate, a court has heard. Beenleigh Darts Association head Philip James McMillan, 51, died of a heart attack on the floor of his Woodridge unit on March 22 last year. Doctors concluded his death was likely triggered by a violent row with troubled youngster Darren William Dwyer, a part-time barman at the club who also shared Mr McMillan's home. Dwyer, 23, was jailed today for 10 years after he admitted to punching and kicking his former boss several times in the head in response to having an imitation bonsai plant and a bottle of scotch thrown at him.
Despite knocking him unconscious with severe head and facial injuries, Dwyer waited more than an hour to call an ambulance. "It wasn't as though he punched the person and left," Crown prosecutor David Meredith said over the callous nature of the attack. "He stayed even when he knew they were incapacitated. It was a conscious decision (not to call for help)."
The court heard Dwyer had returned home late from a drinking session with a friend and had begun playing music that reminded him of his former girlfriend when Mr McMillan, who was also heavily intoxicated, told him to "move on". He also criticised him about being too drunk to go to work. The pair argued and when the friend left, Dwyer claims Mr McMillan became aggressive.
As well as Mr McMillan's manslaughter, Dwyer also pleaded guilty today to assaulting an threateneing a woman with a knife, hitting a neighbour in his car while doing burn-outs and driving while disqualified.
He must serve at least 80 per cent of his 10-year jail term and will be declared a serious violent offender.

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! The Projecting Dick

2007-11-13T15:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

You know, most freshmen would leave their war vet roommate alone but not you. I like how you decided to drink a bottle of mouthwash and proceed down to the dorm front desk to projectile vomit all over the place. I guess since I ignored your constant requests for alcohol, in only makes sense you told the EMTs and campus security that I gave you beer and thats what made you sick. I really appreciated getting hauled down to the campus police station in the middle of the night and sitting in a room for three hours until they contacted the hospital and learned just how insanely stupid you are. Special Dick points for campus security making me walk through a cold rainstorm and in shorts to get back to my room. Oh son, I can't wait for you to get out of the hospital...I'm gonna beat the stupid out of you!!

Where's Wal-Dick?

2007-11-13T11:39:00.005-08:00

Dear Roommate,

This is why I don't want to live with you anymore. If this picture isn't self-explanatory, then you're a hopeless dick.

P.S.
Can you find the cat in this picture?

Recipe for Disaster

2007-11-13T11:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

You added with booze and a dash of coke. Mix that with some late night mail sorting. Stir it all together and you have, SHREDDING OUR ELECTRIC BILL and MY CREDIT CARD BILL

Stop doing drugs and cleaning the house!

That's One Hard Dick

2007-11-12T10:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

So I had a horrible nights sleep last night. My heart was racing, I had hot flashes...and I was mysteriously kept awake by a raging erection. Remind me to never split an "adderol" with you EVER again. I know we were trashed on Saturday night, but how the fu*k could you get those two mixed up?! If I find out you did it on purpose you're dead!! Why do you even have those anyways?!

P.S I rubbed it out like four times last night - didn't go down.

A Roommate Lint-ching

2007-11-12T10:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

It took me a while to figure out why our dryer wasn't working so well. It just never dawned on me that my roommate was too fu*king retarded to know that a lint screen needs to be cleaned between loads. How about driving home and letting your mom do it for you. She's been paying your rent the last 3 months anyways, whats one more favor you worthless dick!

When Roommates Attack...

2007-11-09T17:06:00.000-08:00

Dicks Beware!! This was in the news today...

A roommate fight over a power bill ended with one roommate, a female University student, being arrested by ACC Police and charged with battery.

Elyse McGregor told police she was arguing with her roommate about a power bill and became very angry, yelling and slamming doors. The roommate told police their other roommate stepped between them and McGregor attacked by punching, then clawing at her face.

Management told police they will seek to evict McGregor because she also has a boyfriend living with her who is not on the lease.

BUNK BEDS BITE

2007-11-09T13:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Sharing a dorm room with you sucks! We have bunk beds! Stop having boys over and not telling me. I would rather sleep on the futon than listen to you screwing 5 feet above me. Also, please stop barging in at night drunk and pulling the covers off of me and my boyfriend. It’s not funny.

Sincerely,
I’d rather live in hell.

Patriots Tight End

2007-11-08T23:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Yes we were all excited about the Patriots beating the Colts last Sunday, yet I didn't feel the need to get completely hammered and rip my clothes off in celebration. While I'm used to your retardedly drunken antics, my co-workers were definitely not. Maybe me posting this picture for the world to see will finally make you realize what a DICK you really are. It just might be time to stop boozing!

A Very Shagadelic Dick

2007-11-08T15:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Yes, you might make a lot of money selling your weed, but after one of your 'buddies' got arrested for sexual assault i think its time to stop bringing over people that make me feel like I'm in the ghetto. Your plea's that your going to stop having sex with every guy that looks your way is starting to sound like a broken record and frankly, I'm tired of sleeping on the couch. But go ahead, hang your hippie bead from the doorways and buy those shagadelic rugs to put on the walls, because YOU, my stoner sexahaulic hippie roommate, are a DICK!!!!!

An Un-Environmental Dick

2007-11-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommates,

Is it that hard to turn off the light in kitchen when you go to sleep, or the TV for that matter. Do you really need to set the A/C to 61 degrees? I spend 98% of my time at my girlfriend's apartment and almost never sleep here, yet the utility bill is $380.40! I stopped by the apartment when you were all gone for the weekend and every light was on, the TV was still on and the A/C was freezing.

THIS WEEK'S "YOU WRITE THE LETTER" WINNER!!

2007-11-07T17:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

I know how mistletoe works, but what do I get if I stand under this...herpes?

Clean up the apartment!

Someone's Not Preggers

2007-11-06T23:47:00.001-08:00

Dear Roommate,

You got your period! Congrats! You’re officially a woman! Now could you please stop leaving your blood-residue streaked towels in the bathroom? No one wants to see that shit!

With Love and Midol,

Roomie

This Bitch is a Dick

2007-11-06T23:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Roomate,

Thanks for letting your dog eat my $210 shoes. Bitch.

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! A Possessive Dick

2007-11-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

OK, I get it...the red bull and margarita mix is MINE, and the rest is YOURS. You don't have to be a dick about it.

A Striking Dick

2007-11-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

I don't give a f*ck if you're on strike or not, you're not bringing your "movement" into our apartment. Start cleaning this place up!! You should have plenty of time now.

A Crabby Dick

2007-11-05T17:14:00.001-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Just to make sure I got this straight. You had a hooker over, had sex on our futon, BROKE IT, and now you refuse to pay for a new one. No, I was not planning to get rid of it anyway! But thank you for fighting the good fight and buying crab shampoo. How can I thank you enough? You’re a dick.

Deep Throat Dick

2007-11-05T15:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

Why did you try to give your boyfriend head in the back of MY car when you were drunk? You know you have no gag reflex control! It’s disgusting!

P.S Please don't try and pull the old "he's huge" excuse. You know we both dated him. HE'S TINY!!

An Itchy Dick

2007-11-04T22:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Roommate,

I understand that you have dry scalp and your head gets itchy, but how about you use some Head and Shoulders? Your hair is falling out and gets all over my shit. Not only is it nasty, but it looks like your vagina sneezed pubes all over our room.

P.S Maybe this bottle I've left in the bathroom will give you the hint!

A Manipulative Dick

2007-11-02T15:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Before I lived with you, I was happily debt-free. Somehow, after constantly paying rent, utilities, and food money with absolutely no help, I have depleted all my regular hard-earned money and resorted to taking out loans that I can barely afford to pay back. I wish I would at least get to have sex to substantiate having to support a 29 year old child. For some reason, you feel that manipulating people by making them feel like shit because you are such a fu*king loser is a good time.

Have fun telling future employers why you have a 10 year gap in employment. I guess you can always work for mommy and daddy! Here is a picture when you weren’t bald, a complete lard ass, and have bigger tits than your ex-girlfriend.

Forget Something?

2007-11-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Why was this in my DVD player when I got home?!!! This isn't mine. What the fu*k else do you do in my room when I'm not around? Keep you "alone" time to your our room!

P.S I watched it last night...not bad.

The Poser

2007-11-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Hey Dick, why do you own 2 guitars when you can't even play one? I know you think it helps you get laid, but its CLEARLY not working. I haven't seen a girl come out of your room in months. Stop bitching about not having money and sell them already!

A Daddy's Dick

2007-11-01T16:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Just because you don't know how to use zip-lock bags or rubbermaid containers, doesn't mean you can move all MY stuff off the top shelf of the refrigerator so you can fit in your fucking pizza boxes!

Oh, and since your daddy owns the apartment, go ahead and tell him how you and the other roomie did ALL the cleaning and I did none and I was the evil one. Since he's as big of a dick as you are, he'll believe it, despite the fact that you and your butt buddy vacuumed the place one more time than I did during the year (bringing the grand total to TWICE)...

THIS WEEK'S "YOU WRITE THE LETTER" WINNER!!

2007-11-01T14:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

I thought finding this in the shower this morning was funny until I saw the hole you cut. I'll be at the Motel 6 until our lease is up. You can keep my shower supplies.

Trashy Dick

2007-11-01T10:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Trash Can, Roommate... Roommate, Trash Can. I'm glad you two have finally met. Now, share your shit with it and take it out every once it a while, make it feel special.

Oh, your smoking in the apartment is awesome, btw-- Keep it up. You smoke two packs a day (I thought that only happened in the movies) and the ash tray is always full, no matter how often I (ME! MYSELF! I!) take it out... really adds to the look we're going for in the living room.

Actually, right now, as I type this, I smell smoke. And you're not smoking. It's like the gift that keeps on giving.

Thanks.

Dick.

Revenge of the Roommate

2007-10-31T15:30:00.000-07:00

A Balding Dick

2007-10-31T15:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

If I have to pick one more of your huge hair-balls out of the drain in the shower, I am going to shave your head while you sleep. I understand that your hair is thick and falling out, but that doesn't render you incapable of removing your hair on your own when you finish showering. I am on my way to the store right now to buy the hair clippers...hope you don't screw up after one of the three showers you take daily.

- Your New Hair Stylist

A Girlfriend Blitz

2007-10-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Sundays are made for one thing, and that's doing jack shit but lying on the couch and watching football. I LIVE for this day every week...AND YOU ARE FUC*ING IT UP!!! Stop inviting your girlfriend to sit and watch the games with us. I have to blast the volume of the announcers just so I don't have to listen to her innane questions every 2 minutes. YES, it hurts when the players get tackled and NO, they aren't gossiping about each other in the huddles. Just kill me!

No Use Crying Over a Dick Roommate

2007-10-30T10:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

It's pretty simple really...MILK SPOILS!!! Whether its in the fridge or not, putting the cap back on is kinda necessary to keeping it fresh. I wouldn't bitch if you didn't do this EVERY TIME. What the hell is wrong with you?

Roommate Rule #154: Stealing Beer Gets You Stabbed

2007-10-29T18:05:00.000-07:00

Dick's Beware!! This was in the news today...

A Kenner man has been booked with attempted murder after he stabbed his roommate in an argument over a beer, Kenner police said.

Lazaro Castro, 25, accused Luis Salvador, 26, of drinking one of his beers, according to Detective Shaun Watson, a Kenner Police Department spokesman. The verbal argument escalated into a physical altercation when Castro hit Salvador in the face with his fist and at least once in the head with a 5-gallon plastic bucket, Watson said in a news release. Salvador armed himself with a kitchen knife after occupants in the apartment intervened and separated the two, the release said.

Salvador ran from the apartment to summon police, but because he spoke very little English, 911 dispatchers had a hard time determining the nature of his complaint, the release said. Salvador returned to the apartment where he was attacked from behind by Castro, which caused him to drop the kitchen knife. Castro retrieved the kitchen knife and began cutting and stabbing Salvador numerous times, the statement said. Salvador managed to escape the attack and flag down an officer in the street. He sustained severe lacerations to the head, face, arms, and legs and was transported to East Jefferson General Hospital in stable condition, the news release said.

G.I. Dick

2007-10-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Buy some civilian bed sheets, brush your teeth, take a shower after PT, stop sleeping in your army issued sleeping bad, stop watching so much porno and jerking off while I am trying to sleep, I can see your silhouette on the ceiling beating off. Stop spending 600 dollars on lap dances, buy a damn car, stop leaving your shit in my car, we ain't that cool. Stop watching wrestling, stop leaving your hairs in the sink when you shave, flush the toilet when you piss, get a man's voice and stop squeaking when you talk, and just f*ck you...get out and go live in CQ.

PS: The Army offers free dental service.

A Litter-al Dick

2007-10-29T00:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Since its become clear you're a little confused, allow me to explain. Just because it's a self-cleaning litter box doesn't mean it's going to sprout legs and dump itself into the trash can. Next time you let this smell up the apartment, I'm dumping it in your pillow.

Out of Tune Dick

2007-10-29T00:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate.

I didn’t mind it at first when you brought over hot guys that I could ogle at but once I realized they were part of your shitty band, all bets were off.
When I get home from work you guys are banging away on half a drum kit and out-of-tune instruments, which only adds to the unbearable noise you guys think is music. You and your cronies haven’t done jack all day but smoke pot and eat what food I do keep around. You’re 35–years-old and a loser…get a job and break up the band or I am burning your instruments.
Oh…and you’re a dick

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! NO FLY ZONE

2007-10-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

When I tell you that YOUR dirty dishes are attracting flies, that's not me telling you to put up fly paper strips. It's me telling you to f$%cking wash the dishes!

This Just In...Your Roommate is a Dick

2007-10-26T11:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

RECYCLE!!!!

I'm sick of cleaning up your "trash corner".

A Chronic Liar

2007-10-26T11:01:00.000-07:00

Dear roommate,

Stop telling me you are on your last bag of weed. I know and you know that you will never quit smoking. It's ok. It's part of your charm. You're a pothead. What isn't charming is hearing you constantly tell me that you've discovered the secret to quitting weed - a secret you will implement in your own life as soon as this last bag runs out...

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Dicks

2007-10-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

I honestly can't live in silence anymore.

Somebody has to tell you that these portraits you paint of your girlfriend SUCK!!! It wouldn't bother me so much if you didn't insist on decorating our apartment with them.

Face it, you're getting a C- in art appreciation for a reason.

Baby Dick

2007-10-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

I told you not to mess with my Halo game while I was at class. You think you're so funny deleting my profile.

Hey, you wanna know what's really funny? Posting your dorky baby pictures! Suck it Biatch!

Don't mess with Master Chief.

THIS WEEK'S "YOU WRITE THE LETTER" WINNER!!

2007-10-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

I get shivers down my back everytime I hear you singing, "Shave and a Haircut -- Tooth Pubes!"

Please take the time to remove my toothbrush from your barber shop quartet.

Iron this Dick Out

2007-10-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Ok, seriously bro, I think it's about time we talk about getting a REAL kitchen table.

This Dick "Belongs" on the Street

2007-10-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Pots, pans, jars of spices, and sacks of flour belong in the kitchen, not the TV room. Ice cube trays belong in the freezer, not your bathroom floor. Tampons and over-the-counter yeast infection medication belong in your bathroom, not the coffee table. The back door screen belongs on the back door, not inexplicably torn out and propped up against the wall. And if you're going to be pissy about how you've had such a hard week and have to work 15-hour days and that I shouldn't start with you, please bear in mind that five hours before they have to get up on Monday morning, working adults belong in BED and not sucking down handles of Jim Beam in front of a week's worth of Tivoed shit.

When Dicks Box...There Are No Winners

2007-10-20T14:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Hey dick, our living room isn't a storage locker.

We live four miles from your mother's house. Go drop your crap off in her garage with the rest of your worthless shit.

Hung Up Over the Little Things

2007-10-20T13:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

I'm not sure if I should laugh, or hide the sharp objects. How do you know how to tie a real noose?

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! Someone Got Trashed

2007-10-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Roommate,

Listen, we're all totally psyched you nabbed a boy-toy! And we're glad you're finally having sex....but there's no need to PROVE IT to us by leaving your used condoms in the KITCHEN TRASH!!! UR Nasty Girl!