Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Junk Yard Roommate

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for the unique opportunity to share an apartment with you. How could I imagine that all your stuff you first put down when we moved in, was really where you wanted it to be....

How could I also imagine that you would blame me for trying to have a clean/organized apartment? What was I thinking???

Besides that, I can only be happy when you point out to me that I didn't do *YOUR* dishes...shame on me, of course...

The Angry Face

Dear Roommate, (aka "angry face" as everyone calls you behind your back)

What is the point of stockpiling all your food in your own room when theres a kitchen? We don't eat your stuff because we know what a bitch you'd be about it, and hell, half the time you eat our shit. Stop being such a paranoid, selfish, glutton and maybe people would stop hating you for being a self centered prick.

P.S. It may not seem like it but, everyone hates you. Everyone.

Monday, March 31, 2008

The Puke Bucket

Dear Roommate,

My laundry basket is not the puke bucket, which was inches away.

Thanks for not cleaning up your mess or at least paying me the 5 bucks in quarters it took to do my laundry

You’re a dick!

A Dick Looking for His Runway

Dear Roommate,

Those cleaning products I installed in the bathroom? That was a hint for you to clean the fucker! You don't flush, which is bad enough, but why is there dried toothpaste up the shower walls and splattered all over the roller blind? I also put soap and a fresh white towel in there with the hope that you would wash. You obviously took the hint, the towel is now black. Furthermore, whenever you open your bedroom door, everyone wants to throw up from the smell. It looks like a bomb dropped in there. You haven't washed your bedding since we moved in, in September (its now march), and you only washed your clothes when i told you it was vile to sleep in them then wear them for class. That stupid turmeric powder has stained everything in the kitchen yellow, there is sugar and coffee encrusted onto the counter and rice in the sink. and why dont you just go shopping instead of eating MY food?! And yes, we all LOVE to hear you jumping around the kitchen singing Savage Garden at all hours of the day. Good luck with the music career you so wish to pursue. You sound like a strangled cat. We know you study fine art, but surely theres no need to cover every available surface in various shades of the rainbow. Thats right, in case you hadn't noticed, our house is not a canvas and theres paint over every fucking thing. Finally... we do not appreciate you telling us how gorgeous you are. Hate to break it to you but your an ugly bitch with a fat ass and WAY too much body hair, and why does nothing you wear ever match? You think you could be a model?! Your 23 years old, stop acting like a damn child. Stop staring at your ugly self in every reflective surface and taking photos of yourself. Here is a picture of you. I'm sure plenty of modelling agencies will be wanting to snap you up now. You complete and utter dick.

An Ingrown Dick

Dear Roommate, 

Showing you the "My Roommate is a Dick" website was so you'd get the HINT! The house smells like your dirty dishes and your dog's piss! Also Do Your Fucking Dishes! And just because I let you use my gravy mix twice, does not mean that you can use all but one serving! And while you are at it, DO NOT CALL ME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE YOU ARE NAKED BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN IN GROWN HAIR ON YOUR BOOB!



The Dirty Sanchez

Dear Roommate,

Ya know its bad enough I forbid you from using my pots and pans because you leave them in the sink for weeks at a time but now you won't clean the diahrea splatter on the underside of the toilet seat, from your recent F%&k budy that came to visit last weekend... I hope your boyfriend finds out you are cheating on him well as a matter of fact I think a little birdy may have already told him.... Grow up! Your 25 and you act like your 12. Oh no do I see another tantrum coming?!!!!

Waaa Waaaa Waaa

P.S your new nickname is Dirty Sanchez and I am telling everyone till you clean up your crap!

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