Monday, August 2, 2010

This Dick Needs A Kennel

Dear Roommate,

I was cool when you and your boyfriend decided to get the first dog. In fact, I actually liked him. I was even kinda o.k. with you getting the second one. But then you started putting pee-pads on the floor in the dining room, "just in case" you couldn't let them out in time. After that, you just turned into a lazy piece of shit! I love coming home for lunch, only to find trash torn up on the floor, and dog shit that you have left there since last night. Whatever, I just started staying in my room more often.
Then one day, I come home to find that you have decided to use MY bathroom as a damn dog kennel. Thank you so much. When I opened the door to take a shower, I almost puked in my mouth from the stench of dog shit smeared all over the blanket you left in there for them. So, since I'm in a hurry, I just decided to drag the blanket out in the hall so I could take a shower. While I was in the shower, you came home and saw that I put the blanket in the hallway. When I got out of the shower, you had the nerve to bitch at ME for not cleaning up the shit!!!!!! @#$% you! You're a stupid bitch! I know that you went through my jewelry. I know that you went through my trash. And I also know how many times you've had sex on my couch. I also recall cleaning the apartment every weekend, while you leave your blood stained panties on the living room floor.
I was willing to over look most things, but I'll be damned if someone is going to use my bathroom as a kennel. I'm even gonna post a picture. You're such a skank, I can't believe you even have a boyfriend, cause you're such a dirty bitch! You better thank GOD that we're all in the military, cause that's the only thing that kept me from beating the living shit out of you (I'm not a big fan of Article 15's).
The girl that's not a dirty bitch...
P.S. I'm the one that let your dogs chew up your debit card, and your fancy cloth napkins, and your gym shoes, and your favorite bra, and your orange nightie :) You're welcome.


A Crazy, Controlling, Pyscho, Bitch Ass, DICK!

Dear Roommate,

I overlooked the fact that you are a psycho bitch, and that your fiance is shady and self-absorbed, because me and my boyfriend couldn't make rent on our own and you were a pretty fun 'friend' to party with back in college. Not only do you verbally abuse my boyfriend and treat your fiance like crap in front of us (which is embarrassing for everyone), you act like you are queen of the townhouse and we are merely peasants compared to you! After your last princess-esque meltdown directed towards me and my boyfriend over ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKING OVER AND SPILLING YOUR CHEAP VODKA COOLER, I'd had enough and left the house for a few days to get away from you. Now you are trying to break the lease and leave me and my boyfriend on the streets??? The fact that you are acting like we 'did you wrong' and you need to get on with your life is BULLSHIT! You are in for a rude awakening because the law is on our side and you and your fiance can't just bounce on the lease. Also, if you keep this up, I'll tell your family the REAL and much more sordid reason you dropped out of college. Is screwing over me and my boyfriend worth being ex-communicated by your family once and for all; the only people that ACTUALLY like you (because they have to, though they have kicked you out enough times - which is why we are living together by the way!)??? Sure, shame on me for agreeing to live with you knowing full well how you can be. Shame on me again for picking up after you and your fiance and looking the other way when you break the house rules that YOU set in regards to pretty much everything!

You know what? Lets break this down a little:

-Verbally and mentally abusive to everyone in the house
-Physically abusive TO YOUR OWN FIANCE!
-Think its ok to take out your anger on EVERYONE!
-Lock out me and my boyfriend ON A REGULAR BASIS
-Don't do any housework
-Think screaming at the top of your lungs "because it feels good to scream" is acceptable (even after noise complaints)
-Make your fiance pay for your ENTIRE share of rent and cable (even though you make just as much as him)
-Act like we have to completely bend to your will or we are "doing you wrong"
-Are a blatant and open racist towards our multi-cultural neighbors
-Two words: Control FREAK!
-Seem to be PROUD of the fact you are a psycho bitch and get mad at US for "not understanding"

-I had enough of you and left without saying goodbye for a few days which upset you...leading you to try to put me and my boyfriend out on the streets.

Guess what princess...KARMA IS A BITCH!!! Everything is going to catch up with you and then I'll be laughing. The fact that you are pretty is only going to get you by for so long until people can't forgive your ugly insides anymore; then you will be left in the dust! Even your fiance will get tired of your crap and leave you, heck, he already did once...who says he wont again?! Look around sweetie: I was your only friend left! I am NOT conceded enough to think you'll never make another friend in your life, but I can say with confidence you will NEVER have another good friend who unconditionally loves you and always have your back like I did...nobody did before me, so shame on ME for being so foolish!

I hope you don't go through with trying to break our lease because I NEED you right now. But I also hope that several months from now when the lease is expired and me and my boyfriend have enough money to live on our own, that I NEVER SEE YOUR CRAZY CONTROLLING PSYCHO BITCH ASS again!

From your FORMERLY caring and understanding roommate :-)

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