Friday, November 2, 2007

A Manipulative Dick

Dear Roommate,

Before I lived with you, I was happily debt-free. Somehow, after constantly paying rent, utilities, and food money with absolutely no help, I have depleted all my regular hard-earned money and resorted to taking out loans that I can barely afford to pay back. I wish I would at least get to have sex to substantiate having to support a 29 year old child. For some reason, you feel that manipulating people by making them feel like shit because you are such a fu*king loser is a good time.

Have fun telling future employers why you have a 10 year gap in employment. I guess you can always work for mommy and daddy! Here is a picture when you weren’t bald, a complete lard ass, and have bigger tits than your ex-girlfriend.

Forget Something?

Dear Roommate, 

Why was this in my DVD player when I got home?!!! This isn't mine. What the fu*k else do you do in my room when I'm not around? Keep you "alone" time to your our room! 

P.S I watched it last night...not bad.  

The Poser

Dear Roommate,

Hey Dick, why do you own 2 guitars when you can't even play one? I know you think it helps you get laid, but its CLEARLY not working. I haven't seen a girl come out of your room in months. Stop bitching about not having money and sell them already! 

Thursday, November 1, 2007

A Daddy's Dick

Dear Roommate,

Just because you don't know how to use zip-lock bags or rubbermaid containers, doesn't mean you can move all MY stuff off the top shelf of the refrigerator so you can fit in your fucking pizza boxes!

Oh, and since your daddy owns the apartment, go ahead and tell him how you and the other roomie did ALL the cleaning and I did none and I was the evil one. Since he's as big of a dick as you are, he'll believe it, despite the fact that you and your butt buddy vacuumed the place one more time than I did during the year (bringing the grand total to TWICE)... 


Dear Roommate,

I thought finding this in the shower this morning was funny until I saw the hole you cut. I'll be at the Motel 6 until our lease is up. You can keep my shower supplies.

Trashy Dick

Dear Roommate,

Trash Can, Roommate... Roommate, Trash Can. I'm glad you two have finally met. Now, share your shit with it and take it out every once it a while, make it feel special.

Oh, your smoking in the apartment is awesome, btw-- Keep it up. You smoke two packs a day (I thought that only happened in the movies) and the ash tray is always full, no matter how often I (ME! MYSELF! I!) take it out... really adds to the look we're going for in the living room.

Actually, right now, as I type this, I smell smoke. And you're not smoking. It's like the gift that keeps on giving.



Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Revenge of the Roommate

A Balding Dick

Dear Roommate, 

If I have to pick one more of your huge hair-balls out of the drain in the shower, I am going to shave your head while you sleep. I understand that your hair is thick and falling out, but that doesn't render you incapable of removing your hair on your own when you finish showering. I am on my way to the store right now to buy the   hair clippers...hope you don't screw up after one of the three showers you take daily. 

                                           - Your New Hair Stylist 

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

A Girlfriend Blitz

Dear Roommate, 

Sundays are made for one thing, and that's doing jack shit but lying on the couch and watching football. I LIVE for this day every week...AND YOU ARE FUC*ING IT UP!!! Stop inviting your girlfriend to sit and watch the games with us. I have to blast the volume of the announcers just so I don't have to listen to her innane questions every 2 minutes. YES, it hurts when the players get tackled and NO, they aren't gossiping about each other in the huddles. Just kill me! 

No Use Crying Over a Dick Roommate

Dear Roommate, 

It's pretty simple really...MILK SPOILS!!! Whether its in the fridge or not, putting the cap back on is kinda necessary to keeping it fresh. I wouldn't bitch if you didn't do this EVERY TIME. What the hell is wrong with you? 

Monday, October 29, 2007

Roommate Rule #154: Stealing Beer Gets You Stabbed

Dick's Beware!! This was in the news today...

A Kenner man has been booked with attempted murder after he stabbed his roommate in an argument over a beer, Kenner police said.

Lazaro Castro, 25, accused Luis Salvador, 26, of drinking one of his beers, according to Detective Shaun Watson, a Kenner Police Department spokesman. The verbal argument escalated into a physical altercation when Castro hit Salvador in the face with his fist and at least once in the head with a 5-gallon plastic bucket, Watson said in a news release. Salvador armed himself with a kitchen knife after occupants in the apartment intervened and separated the two, the release said.

Salvador ran from the apartment to summon police, but because he spoke very little English, 911 dispatchers had a hard time determining the nature of his complaint, the release said. Salvador returned to the apartment where he was attacked from behind by Castro, which caused him to drop the kitchen knife. Castro retrieved the kitchen knife and began cutting and stabbing Salvador numerous times, the statement said. Salvador managed to escape the attack and flag down an officer in the street. He sustained severe lacerations to the head, face, arms, and legs and was transported to East Jefferson General Hospital in stable condition, the news release said.

G.I. Dick

Dear Roommate,

Buy some civilian bed sheets, brush your teeth, take a shower after PT, stop sleeping in your army issued sleeping bad, stop watching so much porno and jerking off while I am trying to sleep, I can see your silhouette on the ceiling beating off. Stop spending 600 dollars on lap dances, buy a damn car, stop leaving your shit in my car, we ain't that cool. Stop watching wrestling, stop leaving your hairs in the sink when you shave, flush the toilet when you piss, get a man's voice and stop squeaking when you talk, and just f*ck you...get out and go live in CQ.

PS: The Army offers free dental service.

A Litter-al Dick

Dear Roommate,

Since its become clear you're a little confused, allow me to explain. Just because it's a self-cleaning litter box doesn't mean it's going to sprout legs and dump itself into the trash can. Next time you let this smell up the apartment, I'm dumping it in your pillow.

Out of Tune Dick

Dear Roommate.

I didn’t mind it at first when you brought over hot guys that I could ogle at but once I realized they were part of your shitty band, all bets were off.
When I get home from work you guys are banging away on half a drum kit and out-of-tune instruments, which only adds to the unbearable noise you guys think is music. You and your cronies haven’t done jack all day but smoke pot and eat what food I do keep around. You’re 35–years-old and a loser…get a job and break up the band or I am burning your instruments.
Oh…and you’re a dick

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