Saturday, October 13, 2007

When Dicks Multitask...

Dear Roommate,

Does flossing in the shower really save you THAT much time. I'm gald you're trying to improve your oral hygiene, but give me a f%cking break.

Yesterday one of your "Floss Leavins" touched me and I threw up in my mouth. I can't take it anymore - I'm moving out this week.

Friday, October 12, 2007

A Doggone Dick

Dear Roommate,

You shit on the bathroom floor and drink from the toilet. I hope you don't leave any flees or mites on the seat. Then you want to sit next on me. Your nails are so long and make so much noise when you walk, that I wake up at 3am. I also hate waking up with your toilet tongue on my face. What is it with you and the bathroom? You stole a whole roll of toilet paper and ripped it into little tiny bits all over the living room.

P.S. The dog catcher is coming!!!

An Un-Handy Dick

Dear Roommate,

Showing me how to turn on the water with "just a screwdriver" is not "fixing" it. You broke it, you call the landlord, dick!

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! Keyboard Never Saw it Coming

Dear Roommate,

Thank you for allowing me to walk in on you masturbating to gay porn, in my room, on MY COMPUTER. It has granted me the pleasure of never feeling safe or comfortable in this room again. And the fact that you "cleaned up after doing it times before", does not console me in the least. I can't believe my mom paid for your dinner after that. You're a dick, please keep you genitals away from my keyboard and mouse. Also, you owe me at least $50 for all the toilet paper I've bought this year, so stop cheaping out on rent by claiming you paid for some groceries one time.


Dear Roommate,

What did I tell you about messing with my computer when I'm not around. You caused my site to crash. You truly are a Dick!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Dick Wears Prada

Dear Roommate,

Our bathtub is not your personal trash can! Where the hell were you raised? Six months you've been tossing hangers in the tub - I can't take it!! I'm gonna go "Mommy Dearest" on your ass.

Rifle, Paper, Sledgehammer -- Shoot

Dicks Beware! This was in the news today...

Moss Bluff - A 56-year-old man accused of beating his roommate to death with a sledgehammer and a claw hammer was arrested Monday morning.

Franklin Paul Crow was charged with homicide in the weekend death of Kenneth Matthews, 58. Crow is being held without bond in the Marion County Jail. Authorities with the Marion County Sheriff's Office said the suspect beat the victim in the head with a sledgehammer in their Southeast 95th Street Road after getting upset there was NO TOILET TISSUE in the home.

According to an arrest affidavit, Crow told detectives the two were arguing over the TOILET TISSUE when Matthews PULLED A RIFLE on him. Crow added he knocked the rifle out of Matthews' hand with the handle of a sledgehammer before striking him several times. Then he said that he picked up a claw hammer and hit the victim twice with the claw end, according to the affidavit.

Thomas Bibb said the suspect initially denied his involvement with the crime, at first blaming it on a local motorcycle gang. Bibb said after detectives were able to knock holes in his story and alibi, Crow confessed to the crime and was charged around 4 a.m. Monday. The sledgehammer was found in the backyard of the home.


Dear Roommate,

BIG difference between butler and roommate. Go buy your own f%cking beer!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

A Sea of Red - One Whale of a Dick

Dear Roommate,

You threw a party while I was gone, no worries. In fact, I'm pissed I missed it. It looked f'n sweet. How do I know? Maybe cause I've been staring at the MESS for TWELVE DAYS!!!

BTW - A freshman stopped by yesterday asking if he could pledge our house. What the hell happened during this party!?

Monday, October 8, 2007

Shit, That's a Busy Week

Dear Roommate,

A) I was only gone for one week - how did you use up ALL the toilet paper!

B) If you use it all - why wouldn't you buy more!!!

C) I wouldn't use your wash cloth for some time -- sorry you left me no other choice.

Feet Don't Fail Me Now

Dicks Beware! This Was In The News Today...

A Texas man is accused of stabbing his roommate to death because the man complained about his "stinky feet," local media reports. The two men rented a small bedroom in a Houston apartment from a married couple with a baby.

The mother and child were sitting outside Saturday evening when the men started drinking in their room, the Houston Chronicle reported Monday. They started fighting about the man's "stinky feet" and the woman peered into the room to see one of the men holding a knife in his hands, said Sgt. M. Sosa of the homicide squad.

"By the time she got inside, he was on top of the other man," he told the paper.

The women fled and called for help, and then the roommate "comes after her and says, 'I didn't mean to do it, I didn't mean to do it,'" Sosa said.

William Antonio Serrano, 22, was charged with murder. The victim's identity was not released. He was pronounced dead at the scene with multiple stab wounds.

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