The Dick Cave

Dear Dick Roommate,

You are the roommate from hell!

Initially I chose to overlook the disgusting state of your room, the bongs and booze mess everywhere, the complete disregard to the house, the abuse, the back stabbing, the messyness because I too am a bit messy, I too have little quirks that need ironing out but over the months I ironed them out, you did not and in fact became WORSE!! I overlooked most things because I couldnt afford to pay the rent on my own but now you have caused me to hate coming home, to be afraid to come home or even to go to bed at night. YOU ARE EVIL AND PURE POISON! You bring drugs into your house, drink copius amounts of alcohol and vomit everywhere. You will refuse to pay bills but expect the place to be immaculately clean. You happily sleep with married women and brings them home without any cause for concern in regards to what the respective husbands may do. You use your things and then treat them like crap, you're abusive, attempt to break things, threaten me, and continue to partake in ilegal activities.

Worse than anything, you drag my boyfriend out to your "man cave" and buy his friendship by giving him weed and booze and then to add insult to injury you sit there bagging me to him to try and convince him to dump me! All i have is one thing to say to you, I work in a prison bitch so don't mess with me!

A Crappy DIck

Dear Shitmonster,

You shit all the time! Guess how I know? The trash can is filled with toilet paper rolls. You claim to use none of it, but the evidence points otherwise! Why lie? Either shit less or start coughing up some money for the toilet paper. I suggest laying off the oatmeal and coffee.

Vincent Van Dick

Dear Roommate,

Just because you paid $70 bucks for this DOESN'T make it Art. I get it, you like smoking weed, now put it back in the closet!

Besides, this nice bong doesn't make up for your small dick.

- Tom

This Dick Needs A Kennel

Dear Roommate,

I was cool when you and your boyfriend decided to get the first dog. In fact, I actually liked him. I was even kinda o.k. with you getting the second one. But then you started putting pee-pads on the floor in the dining room, "just in case" you couldn't let them out in time. After that, you just turned into a lazy piece of shit! I love coming home for lunch, only to find trash torn up on the floor, and dog shit that you have left there since last night. Whatever, I just started staying in my room more often.

Then one day, I come home to find that you have decided to use MY bathroom as a damn dog kennel. Thank you so much. When I opened the door to take a shower, I almost puked in my mouth from the stench of dog shit smeared all over the blanket you left in there for them. So, since I'm in a hurry, I just decided to drag the blanket out in the hall so I could take a shower. While I was in the shower, you came home and saw that I put the blanket in the hallway. When I got out of the shower, you had the nerve to bitch at ME for not cleaning up the shit!!!!!! @#$% you! You're a stupid bitch! I know that you went through my jewelry. I know that you went through my trash. And I also know how many times you've had sex on my couch. I also recall cleaning the apartment every weekend, while you leave your blood stained panties on the living room floor.

I was willing to over look most things, but I'll be damned if someone is going to use my bathroom as a kennel. I'm even gonna post a picture. You're such a skank, I can't believe you even have a boyfriend, cause you're such a dirty bitch! You better thank GOD that we're all in the military, cause that's the only thing that kept me from beating the living shit out of you (I'm not a big fan of Article 15's).

Love,

The girl that's not a dirty bitch...

P.S. I'm the one that let your dogs chew up your debit card, and your fancy cloth napkins, and your gym shoes, and your favorite bra, and your orange nightie :) You're welcome.

AMANDA S.

A Crazy, Controlling, Pyscho, Bitch Ass, DICK!

Dear Roommate,

I overlooked the fact that you are a psycho bitch, and that your fiance is shady and self-absorbed, because me and my boyfriend couldn't make rent on our own and you were a pretty fun 'friend' to party with back in college. Not only do you verbally abuse my boyfriend and treat your fiance like crap in front of us (which is embarrassing for everyone), you act like you are queen of the townhouse and we are merely peasants compared to you! After your last princess-esque meltdown directed towards me and my boyfriend over ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKING OVER AND SPILLING YOUR CHEAP VODKA COOLER, I'd had enough and left the house for a few days to get away from you. Now you are trying to break the lease and leave me and my boyfriend on the streets??? The fact that you are acting like we 'did you wrong' and you need to get on with your life is BULLSHIT! You are in for a rude awakening because the law is on our side and you and your fiance can't just bounce on the lease. Also, if you keep this up, I'll tell your family the REAL and much more sordid reason you dropped out of college. Is screwing over me and my boyfriend worth being ex-communicated by your family once and for all; the only people that ACTUALLY like you (because they have to, though they have kicked you out enough times - which is why we are living together by the way!)??? Sure, shame on me for agreeing to live with you knowing full well how you can be. Shame on me again for picking up after you and your fiance and looking the other way when you break the house rules that YOU set in regards to pretty much everything!

You know what? Lets break this down a little:

YOU:
-Verbally and mentally abusive to everyone in the house
-Physically abusive TO YOUR OWN FIANCE!
-Think its ok to take out your anger on EVERYONE!
-Lock out me and my boyfriend ON A REGULAR BASIS
-Don't do any housework
-Think screaming at the top of your lungs "because it feels good to scream" is acceptable (even after noise complaints)
-Make your fiance pay for your ENTIRE share of rent and cable (even though you make just as much as him)
-Act like we have to completely bend to your will or we are "doing you wrong"
-Are a blatant and open racist towards our multi-cultural neighbors
-Two words: Control FREAK!
-Seem to be PROUD of the fact you are a psycho bitch and get mad at US for "not understanding"

ME:
-I had enough of you and left without saying goodbye for a few days which upset you...leading you to try to put me and my boyfriend out on the streets.

Guess what princess...KARMA IS A BITCH!!! Everything is going to catch up with you and then I'll be laughing. The fact that you are pretty is only going to get you by for so long until people can't forgive your ugly insides anymore; then you will be left in the dust! Even your fiance will get tired of your crap and leave you, heck, he already did once...who says he wont again?! Look around sweetie: I was your only friend left! I am NOT conceded enough to think you'll never make another friend in your life, but I can say with confidence you will NEVER have another good friend who unconditionally loves you and always have your back like I did...nobody did before me, so shame on ME for being so foolish!

I hope you don't go through with trying to break our lease because I NEED you right now. But I also hope that several months from now when the lease is expired and me and my boyfriend have enough money to live on our own, that I NEVER SEE YOUR CRAZY CONTROLLING PSYCHO BITCH ASS again!


From your FORMERLY caring and understanding roommate :-)

Fat Dick on a Little Bike...

Dear Roommate, I find it awesome how everyone in the fucking house pays for your share of the rent. Never mind that you have a perfectly good (PAID FOR) car but decided that instead of paying rent, a new motorcycle would be better. Oh, and we all realized the shit you were pulling whenever one day we gave you money to pay the $200 overdue cable bill (overdue because your lazy ass never bothered to tell us about the bills that were piling up) and our cable still got shut off but miraculously, your cell phone bill and motorcycle payment got made on the same day. And we couldn't believe you had the balls to ask us for ANOTHER $200 for "the rest of what we owed the cable company". We are sick of your broke ass, and we are sick of you telling stupid "he-said-she-said" lies about all of us to the others behind our backs to pit us against each other for the fun of it. We aren't your goddamned entertainment, so stop making shit up to make us fight. None of us even believes you anymore. We hate your loud-ass bitchy girlfriend that acts like she's better than everyone, and we are sick of you inviting fucking rude high school tramps over, you pedophile pervert. You are 24 years old! That is sick!! Stop walking around the house in your underwear with 4 inches of your fat crack hanging out and GTFO of our house!!! Sincerely, Your roommates who up to this point, have had saintly patience. P.S. Included is not a picture of you, but a picture of what you look like on that stupid motorcycle.

A Fair and Balanced Dick

Dear Roommate,

Maybe I should have seen your psycho bitchiness coming, since you lived alone last year. Maybe I should have hightailed it out of here when you were mad at ME after YOU bought an ugly ass painting for the living room. Maybe when your boyfriend kept ringing our bell to summon you and then spending all his time here talking about himself, I should have just taken the loss and left. But no, I've been stuck with you all year long and it's gotten worse and worse as time goes on. I have HAD it!

You have shut lights out on me, shut doors on me, attempted to lock me out of the apartment, and ruined a pan of mine. You are very close-minded about politics and don't understand the basic structure of the American government system. I would rather get a root canal sans anesthesia than try to explain to you something about politics, because it's clear so much Fox News has inundated your brain that there's nothing left in there but pundits and their "fair and balanced" news and basic anatomical structures to keep your body from shutting down.

You apologize and then demand things in the same breath. I've had to hear you and your boyfriend have make-up sex because he was being a condescending asshole again not once, but THREE times! It's too bad you didn't see the fact that even though he bought you a promise ring (or so you told a friend of yours), he was still going to be a complete doucheknuckle. If I have to hear him come over to whine about getting food like he always does, or talk about himself, I will kick you both in the face repeatedly!

You're messy and have the responsibility skills of an infant. I have yet to seen you clean a single dish without leaving food stuck on, and it's nasty. You can't even lock the front door, and you always leave your light on just to piss me off. And you wonder why I said, "No" to having coffee with you last week? Go to hell!

Wishing you a long, miserable, and lonely life,

Your roommate

EDITOR'S NOTE: THIS DICK IS HOT, RIGHT?!

The Three Dick-Migos

Dear Roommates,

Roommate number 1:

You've been here so long that you pretend that we're friends. You sit around the house all day drinking yourself stupid. I can hear the shit you say about me behind my back because you talk so fucking loud. Sober or not, you're such a fucking loud mouth. You told my fiancee', the owner of the house, that if he married me and my name gets added as an owner of the house that you would move out because you can't stand me having any control over you. What kind of souless monster insults someone's marriage before they get married? You! I am above you because my fiancee' owns this house. If you insult me then you insult him you nimrod. You stumble around this house as if you own it. You don't! You pay rent here so your ass isn't homeless and that's it! Every time there's an argument in this house you say that if your girlfriend was here that she'd kick my ass. I'm tired of hearing about your ex-stripper jailbird girlfriend. She's in jail for a reason. If she ever laid her hands on me I'd knock out her skinny ass and then throw her back in jail for assault. So don't mess with me. Stop borrowing money from my fiancee' and get a fucking job! Your college loan money isn't going to last forever and you're going to have to pay that shit back you idiot. I wish you'd pay what you out and then get the fuck out. Eventually everyone else will agree that it's time for you to go and I won't have to deal with you anymore. I plan to replace you with someone who's more nice, doesn't talk shit, and pays their rent on time like roommate number 3.

Roommate number 2:

You call yourself Playboy because you've cheated on every girl that you've dated. That is nothing to be proud of. You moved in and never paid us a fucking dime! My fiancee' is this close to kicking you out. He hates you and has made that very clear to me. Stop flirting with me because it isn't going to work. I've met players before and your sucking up is just pathetic. I heard you making fun of me for coughing this morning. How immature are you? You and roommate number 1 are laughing now, but not for long. When my fiancee' wakes up he's going to know how stupid you were being when I tell him. Roommate number 2, I should make fun of you. You've eaten almost all of the food that we just bought a week ago. You bought more to replace it and you've eaten that too. You smoke so much pot that it makes me fucking sick. If I owned this house I would have told you to take your pot and pills and get out. I'm tired of your mouth, and I'm not the only one that thinks that. Everytime you open your mouth nothing but lies and excuses pour out. You mumble and no one can understand what the fuck you are saying! You want to make fun of me for having a cold? Lets talk about how sick you are. You do so many fucking drugs that puke everyday. You are just like our last roommate and you'll be just as gone as she is when we boot you out. You say you don't like fighting, yet you keep making people hate you. My fiancee' has been nice enough to go and do temp. jobs with you and you don't pay him his fair share. Yesterday when you told my fiancee' that he's lazy and doesn't do shit on the job he was this fucking close to kicking you out that very second. Oh, speaking of which, I don't give a shit how much of a neat freak your "bootycall/girlfriend' is. I was a professional maid and I know how to clean just fine thank you very much. Your skank isn't here so don't tell me that my house is embarrassingly dirty. You almost got kicked out that last time my guy heard you say that, so you better not say it again. By the way, you owe us more money than what the rent costs. Stop borrowing money and shit that you can't afford. If you move out without paying us for your stay here than you'll be nothing but a bum. You don't move into someone's house promising them rent and then just up and leave at the end of the month. You will be such a disgrace if you do that. I hope we never get another roommate like you ever again.

Roommate number 3:

You have done nothing wrong yet. Thank you. You paid 2 months rent up front when you moved in, you're not messy, and you haven't eaten all our food. I'm sorry that roommate number 2 says that your girlfriend is fatter than me. It's an isult to both me and your girlfriend. You don't talk much and keep to yourself, but that's how I like it. It's not your fault my fiancee' stayed up with you until 4 a.m. playing video games and kept me up so long that I was too tired to go out on mother's day with my fiancee's mom. That was my guy's fault, but we're still working on that issue on "How late is too late?" when we have stuff to do in the morning. But so far you have been great and I hope we can replace roommate #1 and roommate #2 with people that are more like you. Thank you for keeping a steady job and being a role model for these other two idiots.

A Greasy Dick

Dear Roommate,

You are seriously disgusting. I’m glad that you overheard my friend saying that you smelled because ever since you’ve actually showered daily instead of once a week. Your hair is still a gross mess and looks like you wash your hair with vegetable oil its so greasy. You’re so rude to all of my friends and you think that its ok to stick your nose up at people when they walk by. Your ex knows that you cheated on him- twice. He hates you almost as much as I do. The best part is that you think that he would do anything for you. I’m surprised he hasn’t shoved peanut butter in your face to kill you. I find it hilarious that you own so many different body washes but you constantly smell like ass because you never wear deodorant because you “don’t sweat” and in the “off chance that [you] do” because it “doesn’t smell”. Newsflash- you literally smell like ass.

I seriously love that we have not spoken in six days. This has been the most amazing six days of my life. Also, please stop spilling Coke underneath the futon- I’m sick of cleaning up your messes when I leave to go home and find a puddle of almost solidified coke on the floor. Take a fucking shower and wash your greasy ass hair, then maybe you’ll be bearable since people can’t fucking stand you and your snooty attitude.

Patiently awaiting your slow and painful death,

Your Roommate

A DRUNKEN DICK

Dear Roommate, 

Thanks for being such a douche. I really appreciate how you lick & suck your dirty silverware "clean" before throwing it back in our drawer without washing it. Your tongue isn't a dishwasher, you filthy f*ck! I love how you snatch our TV remote away from my side while I'm in the middle of watching a fuc*ing movie, dick. You "wanna see if somethin' else is on"??? What the fu*k did you think I was doing? Admiring the wall behind it? Get your gay DVDs off the TV, stop walking your fat ass around the house with no shirt on & your ass crack showing. Stop thinking I stole your cheap fuc*ing wine, douche. You just drink that red cuntwater until you pass out & forget where you left the bottle. Do you honestly think Bonnie won't fu*k you because she's gotta bf? SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOUR FAT ASS!!!! Stop putting dirty dishes back in the cabinet, lard ass. "Can't tell that they're dirty" ? Fucking look at them!!! There's spots and food all over them!! What the fuck is wrong with you? I truly hope you enjoy brushing your teeth every night & morning with my cum & piss, fucktard. 

P.S: Recipe for roommate vengeance

 

STEP 1: Piss on toothbrush, squeeze dry with toilet paper so he won't notice a wet brush.

STEP 2: Cum in a cup & pour into the toothpaste container, put cap back on. Squeeze and squish container until the paste & cum become homogenous. 

A Dick That Intimidates

Dear Roommate,

I used to be an atheist but since meeting you I have been forced to believe in
God because you are the fuc*ing devil. In the unfortunate year I have lived with
your ass, you have threatened to kill me, threatened to burn down our house,
threatened to steal all of my shit (a lot of which you have stolen), threatened
to sleep with my boyfriend and threatened to move out (at LEAST 6 times.)
Important here is the word "threatened" because your bitch ass would never do
any of these things; especially the last, because even though your parents pay
your rent (because you are unemployed and have failed out of two colleges) your own parents have refused to let you move back in with them. They'd rather pay to keep you away.

By the way, I've been lying about how much our rent is every month. Figured your mom and dad could spare the extra $50. The way I see it, it covers all of the cleaning I have to do to make this house bearable. The smell that comes from your room has actually made me throw up. Twice.

Exhibit A: Our bathroom sink, the day after I cleaned the bathroom.

Thanks bitch,

Your roommate

A Tone Deaf Dick

Dear Singing Dick Roommate,

NO ONE wants to hear you sing! You are an emo piece of sh*t. Your "lyrics" are lame and confirm what a fuc*ing loser you are. Get a life and grow some balls.

Sincerely,

Your Roommate who is plotting your rapidly approaching death.

The Douche Rangler

Dear Roomie,

Clean up your damn douche-city. It's the one by your bed. And stop bitching about not "having any clean coffee mugs." I just found you one. Don't wanna clean? Hire a maid-oh, wait, you'd need a job that actually pays.

Signed, Yours Truly,

The Useful Roommate

The Bouncing Dick

Dear Roommate,

Yet again you have screwed me over. I thought I was done with you finally, but you have somehow managed to come back. With what, you may ask?

Oh come on guess, it's not that hard.

Ok, you dumb fuck, you have succeeded in BOUNCING another check. This is the 5th. 5 out of 8 checks! That's more than half.

More than half.

Are you fucking stupid? Do you think that there's imaginary money in your back account? You sat over there at the other house bitching about cable and internet. I bounced one single check. One in my entire life, and you have the audacity to bitch and moan about it. I am positively sure now the 5 you have bounced here were not your first.

You think its okay to stiff all 5 of us by not paying rent for February, and moving out on the 5th. Let's play the common sense game. Don't worry, I'll spell it out for you:

Yes, I agree with you - for once - that I said that if you pay first month and security I would let you have the 3rd month free. This was okay because you told me and everyone else that you were only staying that long. I knew exactly when I would have to come up with the other 340 dollars. Then you decided to stay. That's where your free month stopped being part of the deal. You said you were staying for the whole time, meaning June, since that's when we signed the lease until. Are you an idiot? You can't just move out without giving notice when you had made further plans to stay until June. No one knew you were moving out until Feb 4th. (DEFINITION OF NOTICE: Not the 4th day into the month you are already late paying for. Simple enough for you?)

OF course you decided to come Feb 5th to move your shit out, and of course I wasn't here to make sure you knew exactly how much you owed me. Not to mention you let that stupid cunt bitch of a whore *Gina into my house. (Yes, Gina, I called you a cunt. I'm not planning on getting back in your good graces, so I don't really care if you still hold that against me two years later. Sometimes, there just isn't a better word.)

Oh, and your room. Your messy, smelly fucking, shitty paint job of a room. Are you a fucking schizo? Two different ugly colors? Why would you paint your room like that? Why would you attempt to paint your room at all? You suck at it. Yes, you smell like shit. Soap and water, it's not a hard concept, so wash your feet. The mess you left was just ridiculous. Your nasty period blood on the sheets, crap all over the floor, the paint job of course, and your smell. Just gross. Actually, it kind of reminded me of your mouth.

While cleaning up the mess that wasn't mine I discovered you were a klepto. Not really surprising after everything else. *Cara's make-up that you told her you didn't have was lying behind the dresser. The spaghetti spoon *Melissa and I bought and have been looking for was lying under the futon with that ugly red paint all over the handle. WHY WOULD YOU STIR PAINT WITH A KITCHEN UTENSIL? Why would you ruin something that wasn't yours? Who taught you to be so incredibly inconsiderate? Seriously. Did you have a nice little giggle when your first grade mindset gave you the idea to hide it under the bed?

Anyway. The moral of this story is you owe me another $350 dollars for the 5th bounced check. In cash. I feel like I have to explain that, since I'm not the retarded one here. By Friday. This Friday. I don't want to see your face, so just leave it under the "LEAVE" mat in front of our door, then do what the mat says.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of owed money, start saving up for your portion of the heat bill. You better believe we're going to have you sign something that guarantees your cheap ass is going to chip in for that.

* NAMES CHANGED....

Dick-Gyver

Dear Roommate,

Grow the fu*k up and gain some maturity so that when my friends come over to visit and need a place to sit, you stop tying your chair to the desk. Why did you tie it with thread? WHY THREAD!? If I was that fucking stupid I would at least use rope or something substantial to make me use a bit of effort to regain access to the chair. And your intense paranoia that I'm going to steal your shit is getting old too. Who did I catch stealing my books, clothes, and condoms? Yes douche bag, it was you. But somehow you felt it was necessary to not so strategically place pieces of tapes on all your drawers and closet? Seriously? Rot in hell thieving dick.

Hugs and Kisses,

Your Roommate

A Broke Ass Dick

Dear Roommate,

Ahh, where do I begin? Let's start with when we met, and you were 10s of thousands of dollars in debt. I decided to be cool and invite you out, even offering to pay for your drinks. Yes, I'm awesome. Or how about the dozens of times that you asked to borrow money? Hell, why not? I'm a responsible adult with a job....and you...well, you're you. I definitely appreciate all of the times that I bought weed, and you smoked as much as you could, and never offered to pay anything. Not to mention all of the times that you stole it from me, and then on the rare occasions when you bought for yourself, never offered to share. I'll leave out all of the filth you leave all over the f**king place, since you're apparently too fucking stupid to clean anything. I love the fact that you buy the absolute cheapest sh*t you can find for the house...the paper towels that couldn't clean up mouse piss with an entire roll, the trashbags that tear if you put anything in them that weighs more than 4 ounces, or the awesome puerto rican food that smells like rice mixed with dog sh*t. By far, the best part is having your disgustingly hideous girlfriend living in the house for the past 3 months, and saying that she is going to pay part of the utilities. Damn right she's paying part of the utilities....MY part, since I'm not giving you any money for this month or last. I and my girlfriend don't work our asses off to support you and yours, especially when yours hasn't had a job since you met her. The creepiest thing....your "girl"friend looks exactly like you...only more ugly, and with smaller tits. 10 more days, and I will have absolutely no contact with you ever again, unless it's to beat your ass and collect a check. By the way, you can say that you used to do muay thai all you want, but we all know that you're one lip away from being a 5'10" vagina.

A Wadded Up Dick

Dear Roomate,

Thank you for leaving all your f*cking garbage all over your room and bailing on the rent for this month. I truly appreciate it. I also appreciate the fact that you decided you're not going to be paying rent for the next few months (ok then get the hell out!) and went to another effing city before saying you won't be coming back for your crap, leaving your crap laying around, and of course, leaving the fantastic bottle of lotion and balled up kleenex (circled) for me to clean up. F*cking sick. Who the hell does that? Seriously! walking into your room was like walking into a pile of stale sweaty laundry. open a damn window if you're going to stay locked in your room playing WoW all day, and take a freaking shower. My god.

Thanks,
your (former) roommate

Junk Yard Roommate

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for the unique opportunity to share an apartment with you. How could I imagine that all your stuff you first put down when we moved in, was really where you wanted it to be....

How could I also imagine that you would blame me for trying to have a clean/organized apartment? What was I thinking???

Besides that, I can only be happy when you point out to me that I didn't do *YOUR* dishes...shame on me, of course...

The Angry Face

Dear Roommate, (aka "angry face" as everyone calls you behind your back)

What is the point of stockpiling all your food in your own room when theres a kitchen? We don't eat your stuff because we know what a bitch you'd be about it, and hell, half the time you eat our shit. Stop being such a paranoid, selfish, glutton and maybe people would stop hating you for being a self centered prick.

P.S. It may not seem like it but, everyone hates you. Everyone.

The Puke Bucket

Dear Roommate,

My laundry basket is not the puke bucket, which was inches away.

Thanks for not cleaning up your mess or at least paying me the 5 bucks in quarters it took to do my laundry

You’re a dick!

A Dick Looking for His Runway

Dear Roommate,

Those cleaning products I installed in the bathroom? That was a hint for you to clean the fucker! You don't flush, which is bad enough, but why is there dried toothpaste up the shower walls and splattered all over the roller blind? I also put soap and a fresh white towel in there with the hope that you would wash. You obviously took the hint, the towel is now black. Furthermore, whenever you open your bedroom door, everyone wants to throw up from the smell. It looks like a bomb dropped in there. You haven't washed your bedding since we moved in, in September (its now march), and you only washed your clothes when i told you it was vile to sleep in them then wear them for class. That stupid turmeric powder has stained everything in the kitchen yellow, there is sugar and coffee encrusted onto the counter and rice in the sink. and why dont you just go shopping instead of eating MY food?! And yes, we all LOVE to hear you jumping around the kitchen singing Savage Garden at all hours of the day. Good luck with the music career you so wish to pursue. You sound like a strangled cat. We know you study fine art, but surely theres no need to cover every available surface in various shades of the rainbow. Thats right, in case you hadn't noticed, our house is not a canvas and theres paint over every fucking thing. Finally... we do not appreciate you telling us how gorgeous you are. Hate to break it to you but your an ugly bitch with a fat ass and WAY too much body hair, and why does nothing you wear ever match? You think you could be a model?! Your 23 years old, stop acting like a damn child. Stop staring at your ugly self in every reflective surface and taking photos of yourself. Here is a picture of you. I'm sure plenty of modelling agencies will be wanting to snap you up now. You complete and utter dick.

An Ingrown Dick

Dear Roommate, 

Showing you the "My Roommate is a Dick" website was so you'd get the HINT! The house smells like your dirty dishes and your dog's piss! Also Do Your Fucking Dishes! And just because I let you use my gravy mix twice, does not mean that you can use all but one serving! And while you are at it, DO NOT CALL ME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE YOU ARE NAKED BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN IN GROWN HAIR ON YOUR BOOB!

YOU CRAZY PYSCHO BITCH YOU ARE NASTY,

YOUR ROOMMATE

The Dirty Sanchez

Dear Roommate,

Ya know its bad enough I forbid you from using my pots and pans because you leave them in the sink for weeks at a time but now you won't clean the diahrea splatter on the underside of the toilet seat, from your recent F%&k budy that came to visit last weekend... I hope your boyfriend finds out you are cheating on him well as a matter of fact I think a little birdy may have already told him.... Grow up! Your 25 and you act like your 12. Oh no do I see another tantrum coming?!!!!

Waaa Waaaa Waaa


P.S your new nickname is Dirty Sanchez and I am telling everyone till you clean up your crap!

Roommates Headed for a Rubber Match

Dear Roommate,

When I said I would split groceries with you, I didn't think it would include the box of condoms. Not only that, you put your initials on 6 of em. What the fuck is that all about. At least be happy one of us in the house is getting laid you cheap f*ck.

The Dick Mitten

Dear Roommate, 

Listen we share a dorm room and I could clearly hear you jerking off last night. What was more revolting, though, was waking up this morning and finding this "thing" and realizing you were drilling a RUBBER VAGINA! 

I may never sleep soundly in this room again. 

 

Nintendick

Dear Roommate, 

 

You love video games, I get it. This is a little ridiculous, though. Can you please explain why we're home to the "video game museum." I mean, really? What the F*ck is a Dreamcast? Its bad enough having a veritable jungle of wires and consoles scattered across our apartment, but HALF OF 'EM DON'T EVEN WORK. How do I know? I hear you "blowing" in the nintendo cartridges and watch you hit reset a thousand times on every cd based system. You wanna know the worst part -- and it's not telling girls "there not mine" like it's some sort of dirty porn -- it's watching my parents eyes drift to the mountain of video games as I explain that I may be flunking accounting. Long story short, they no longer pay for my tutor ( they think the money is going somewhere else). 

PS. I'm using this same photo to post all your shit on e-bay. Thanks for paying for my tutor.

Call Me When You're Not a Dick

Dear Roommate,

The telephone line running to your room was 40 years old, and bound to snap eventually. That gave you NO excuse to "retaliate" by cutting through the ethernet cable going into my room, which I'm sure you did while you were high. Thank Goodness you're a total moron and didn't realize that that cable went to our OTHER roommate's room, so HE'S the one who hasn't had internet for three weeks. We'll be meeting today to talk about kicking your sorry ass to the street. Eat the curb, Dick!

Small Undies, Big Ass, Huge Dick

Dear Roommate,

Just because the first time we were getting rid of all the crap we didn't need we had a rental truck at the time... does NOT mean we only get rid of crap only when we have a rental truck. YOU HAVE WAY TOO MUCH SHIT SO GET IT OUT OF MY LIVING ROOM, KITCHEN, AND BATHROOM.

You also steal my underwear. It's one thing to steal a girl's underwear, but when you take them out of the dirty clothes hamper in my room... that's what we all call "creepy". It's also weird considering you've got a bigger ass than mine. I got a lock on my door so you're stop going into my room and stealing things (oh and denying it when I ask you if you've seen something, because you know very well I've never accused you of anything before), and then wearing my things, stretching them out because I'm an extra small/small while you're a medium/large...

Stop trying to convince everyone that I'm delusional and making things up because you never want to own up to anything. I have a mood disorder called Bipolar Disorder not a severe psychological disorder call psychosis or schizophrenia... PLUS I'M HEAVILY MEDICATED AND YOU'RE NOT. By the way, you STOLE my $700 pearl earrings, you didn't "borrow" them thinking I wouldn't mind. You also acknowledged that you went through my dirty underwear to make up the story that resulted in you going through my underwear drawer and finding said earrings. Funny, I had told you two or three days before hand how I never wear them because I'm scared of losing them, but they're insured. Hmm... and I don't make sense? Just because you got mad/disagree about the police report I filed against you doesn't make what you did okay. You were wrong, not me.

P.S. Quit making fun of my music because it's not some shitty music I heard on college radio. I'll listen to my Radiohead as fucking loud as I want to. Your emo music is whiny, not Thom Yorke. Whore.

Don't Let a Dick Touch Your Pooh

When I said you could borrow my Pooh doll for an art project, I didn't have this in mind. Dick

Colon-Blow

Dear Roommate, 

This isn't what I had in mind when you told me you were finally "cleaning up" your life! 

Outside of grossing me out, this new years resolution is clogging our toilet. 

YOU WRITE THE LETTER!

Sometimes we get a submission from a roommate who is SO upset, he/she has forgotten to include the letter. When this happens, we invite you to help write it! 

More High Pitched than High!

Dear Roommate, 

Not sure if this makes you a dick or just a straight up retard, but THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS NITROUS!! When you said you could "hook it up" and you only needed $10 bucks from me, I shoulda known. Judging by this incident its probably best you screwed this one up, you need all the brain cells you can hold onto. 

CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER DICK ROOMMATE

Dear Former Roommate,

I'd like to clear my conscience with a confessional. When we lived together, it was the late 90's. There was no website like this for us to turn to...otherwise I'm sure that we would have. Unfortunately, digital photography was in it's infancy and we were poor college students with no cameras, so the picture is a recreation.

I remember how you kept house...clean when sex was on the line (sex for you anyway). When it was on the line, it was like a hospital. When it wasn't...well we had some phantom odors on occasion. When it was bad enough, in home or car, you would clean it to get rid of as you'd say "ass smell". Usually the rotting garbage in your car would get your attention on a weekly basis. Sometimes, the apartment wouldn't get your attention as easily.

When I couldn't get you to clean the house, I decided to take matters in my own hands. The recipe from what I recall was the following: 1. Pour 1-2 capfuls of milk between garbage can and liner. 2. wait several days.
In those several days, I watched in amazement as you sterilized all that was violated only days before.

All good things come to an end. You discovered the source of the "ass smell". I don't know if it was confusion or confrontation, but when you asked if I had an idea of what caused that odor, I bit my lip hard enough to bleed in an effort to keep from laughing.

I apologize for my dick ways. I hope in some way, that I've reformed...for the sake of my current roommate - my wife.

Signed
Formerly Dickly but still friends...

Thank God He Didn't Leave His Dog

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for watering the plant while I was away on Christmas vacation.

Saint Dick

Dear Roommate, 

Remember that day we were all psyched about finally restocking our bar. Yeah that was awesome! 

Sooo...what the f*ck happened between December 24th and December 25th? I was gone one day!

Thanks for the Christmas gift, asshole.