Dear Roommate,
Thanks for the unique opportunity to share an apartment with you. How could I imagine that all your stuff you first put down when we moved in, was really where you wanted it to be....
How could I also imagine that you would blame me for trying to have a clean/organized apartment? What was I thinking???
Dear Roommate, (aka "angry face" as everyone calls you behind your back)
What is the point of stockpiling all your food in your own room when theres a kitchen? We don't eat your stuff because we know what a bitch you'd be about it, and hell, half the time you eat our shit. Stop being such a paranoid, selfish, glutton and maybe people would stop hating you for being a self centered prick.
P.S. It may not seem like it but, everyone hates you. Everyone.
Dear Roommate,
My laundry basket is not the puke bucket, which was inches away.
Thanks for not cleaning up your mess or at least paying me the 5 bucks in quarters it took to do my laundry
You’re a dick!
Dear Roommate,
Those cleaning products I installed in the bathroom? That was a hint for you to clean the fucker! You don't flush, which is bad enough, but why is there dried toothpaste up the shower walls and splattered all over the roller blind? I also put soap and a fresh white towel in there with the hope that you would wash. You obviously took the hint, the towel is now black. Furthermore, whenever you open your bedroom door, everyone wants to throw up from the smell. It looks like a bomb dropped in there. You haven't washed your bedding since we moved in, in September (its now march), and you only washed your clothes when i told you it was vile to sleep in them then wear them for class. That stupid turmeric powder has stained everything in the kitchen yellow, there is sugar and coffee encrusted onto the counter and rice in the sink. and why dont you just go shopping instead of eating MY food?! And yes, we all LOVE to hear you jumping around the kitchen singing Savage Garden at all hours of the day. Good luck with the music career you so wish to pursue. You sound like a strangled cat. We know you study fine art, but surely theres no need to cover every available surface in various shades of the rainbow. Thats right, in case you hadn't noticed, our house is not a canvas and theres paint over every fucking thing. Finally... we do not appreciate you telling us how gorgeous you are. Hate to break it to you but your an ugly bitch with a fat ass and WAY too much body hair, and why does nothing you wear ever match? You think you could be a model?! Your 23 years old, stop acting like a damn child. Stop staring at your ugly self in every reflective surface and taking photos of yourself. Here is a picture of you. I'm sure plenty of modelling agencies will be wanting to snap you up now. You complete and utter dick.
Dear Roommate,
Ya know its bad enough I forbid you from using my pots and pans because you leave them in the sink for weeks at a time but now you won't clean the diahrea splatter on the underside of the toilet seat, from your recent F%&k budy that came to visit last weekend... I hope your boyfriend finds out you are cheating on him well as a matter of fact I think a little birdy may have already told him.... Grow up! Your 25 and you act like your 12. Oh no do I see another tantrum coming?!!!!
Waaa Waaaa Waaa
P.S your new nickname is Dirty Sanchez and I am telling everyone till you clean up your crap!
Dear Roommate,
When I said I would split groceries with you, I didn't think it would include the box of condoms. Not only that, you put your initials on 6 of em. What the fuck is that all about. At least be happy one of us in the house is getting laid you cheap f*ck.
Dear Roommate,
Dear Roommate,
Dear Roommate,
The telephone line running to your room was 40 years old, and bound to snap eventually. That gave you NO excuse to "retaliate" by cutting through the ethernet cable going into my room, which I'm sure you did while you were high. Thank Goodness you're a total moron and didn't realize that that cable went to our OTHER roommate's room, so HE'S the one who hasn't had internet for three weeks. We'll be meeting today to talk about kicking your sorry ass to the street. Eat the curb, Dick!
Dear Roommate,
Just because the first time we were getting rid of all the crap we didn't need we had a rental truck at the time... does NOT mean we only get rid of crap only when we have a rental truck. YOU HAVE WAY TOO MUCH SHIT SO GET IT OUT OF MY LIVING ROOM, KITCHEN, AND BATHROOM.
You also steal my underwear. It's one thing to steal a girl's underwear, but when you take them out of the dirty clothes hamper in my room... that's what we all call "creepy". It's also weird considering you've got a bigger ass than mine. I got a lock on my door so you're stop going into my room and stealing things (oh and denying it when I ask you if you've seen something, because you know very well I've never accused you of anything before), and then wearing my things, stretching them out because I'm an extra small/small while you're a medium/large...
Stop trying to convince everyone that I'm delusional and making things up because you never want to own up to anything. I have a mood disorder called Bipolar Disorder not a severe psychological disorder call psychosis or schizophrenia... PLUS I'M HEAVILY MEDICATED AND YOU'RE NOT. By the way, you STOLE my $700 pearl earrings, you didn't "borrow" them thinking I wouldn't mind. You also acknowledged that you went through my dirty underwear to make up the story that resulted in you going through my underwear drawer and finding said earrings. Funny, I had told you two or three days before hand how I never wear them because I'm scared of losing them, but they're insured. Hmm... and I don't make sense? Just because you got mad/disagree about the police report I filed against you doesn't make what you did okay. You were wrong, not me.
P.S. Quit making fun of my music because it's not some shitty music I heard on college radio. I'll listen to my Radiohead as fucking loud as I want to. Your emo music is whiny, not Thom Yorke. Whore.
When I said you could borrow my Pooh doll for an art project, I didn't have this in mind. Dick
Dear Roommate,
Sometimes we get a submission from a roommate who is SO upset, he/she has forgotten to include the letter. When this happens, we invite you to help write it!
Dear Roommate,
Dear Former Roommate,
I'd like to clear my conscience with a confessional. When we lived together, it was the late 90's. There was no website like this for us to turn to...otherwise I'm sure that we would have. Unfortunately, digital photography was in it's infancy and we were poor college students with no cameras, so the picture is a recreation.
I remember how you kept house...clean when sex was on the line (sex for you anyway). When it was on the line, it was like a hospital. When it wasn't...well we had some phantom odors on occasion. When it was bad enough, in home or car, you would clean it to get rid of as you'd say "ass smell". Usually the rotting garbage in your car would get your attention on a weekly basis. Sometimes, the apartment wouldn't get your attention as easily.
When I couldn't get you to clean the house, I decided to take matters in my own hands. The recipe from what I recall was the following: 1. Pour 1-2 capfuls of milk between garbage can and liner. 2. wait several days.
In those several days, I watched in amazement as you sterilized all that was violated only days before.
All good things come to an end. You discovered the source of the "ass smell". I don't know if it was confusion or confrontation, but when you asked if I had an idea of what caused that odor, I bit my lip hard enough to bleed in an effort to keep from laughing.
I apologize for my dick ways. I hope in some way, that I've reformed...for the sake of my current roommate - my wife.
Signed
Formerly Dickly but still friends...
Dear Roommate,
Thanks for watering the plant while I was away on Christmas vacation.
Dear Roommate,
Dear Roommate,
Dear Roommate (or wombmate since you can't say R's)
Please stop being a thief. Now that you have left with a new bike, jersey, 2x pants, rugby socks, washing basket, iPod, tennis raquet, untold numbers of Mitch's T shirts, nike shoes and possibly a guitar tuner, please stop stealing stuff!
When you pulled a bit off your car and threw it away and then the door didn't stay closed we thought you were just random. When mitch asked for his shirt back after you said you'd give it back, and then you said you lost it, we thought it was funny enough to let it slide. But then you took so much other stuff when you went back to your home country, we have decided you are not a good friend!
September and November payments to the flat bank account were pretty much optional so thats okay that you missed them. And because you don't pay towards the upkeep of the flat you aren't allowed to do any cleaning. Dont you dare do any! You already cleaned the toilet once back in June, that is more than enough, Bucko!
The landlord and a representative from the city council both want money from you as well.
Good luck with being a policeman in your home country.
Dear Roommate,
When I find the person that thought it was funny to give my cat a fu*kin Xanax, I’m gonna give him an $800 ass whoopin!!! I know it was one of your high friends who would take it up the ass for some weed and pills. I can’t believe I would leave you alone with my cat long enough for me to go to wal-mart let alone to the beach with my family. Did you even feed him while I was gone…anything besides pills, that is?!! If you don’t turn over the person that led to me gettin an $800 vet bill, I’m gonna kick your ass…again, you fu*kin pussy!
PS: You need to pack your shit and get out!
PSS: We’re breaking up!!!
PSS: I cleaned out the litter box goodies and baked you a treat. I hope you enjoyed those oatmeal cookies, you hungry bitch!!!!
Dear Roommate,
Dear Roommate,
Dear Roommate,
Oh my god! Oh my god! What were you possibly thinking?? Did it really seem alright for you to clean "that" in there. You are a filthy human being. You're buying us all new plates and silverware!! I mean...FILTHY!!
Dear Roommate,
Thanks for starting to deal drugs again. I really love tons of strangers and old dudes coming into our house at all hours, especially since you can't hear them pounding on the door and I constantly have to get it.
Dear Roommate,
It fu*kin pisses me off when I go home for Thanksgiving break, and I come back to find that you have completely destroyed the couch with some kind of sh*t stain. I'm not worried about the fact that the apartment was clean when I left, but how the hell did that damn cooch smelling stain get all up and down the side of the couch like that.....FU*KING FREAK!!!.....I knew yo girl was dirty, I told you several times, yet you refuse to listen. I'm calling the cleaners and your fu*kin paying for it........
P.S: My Grandma saw the damn couch and started crying because that's the couch my grandpa died on..........she gave us the couch and you defiled it with yo nasty ho-bag.......you inconsiderate fu*k!!!
Dear Roommate,
Dear Roommate,
You wanna know why I do sh*t like throw your things into a huge pile at the bottom of the stairs? It's because you're a disgusting pig and I happened to be having people over. I know you think you're clever and maybe getting "revenge" by going into my room and writing all over my dry-erase board, but all I do is laugh at your ass cause you clearly have no clue HOW TO SPELL!!
Dear Roommate,
Dear Roommate,
Dear Roommate,
It's November in Wisconsin, not nuclear winter in Siberia. There's no reason to turn the thermostat up to 90 degrees unless you're dying in your bedroom or something. And if you are, go to the fucking hospital and pay your own damn bill!
Sincerely,
The Person Who Puts on Socks and Sweaters When She Gets Cold, You Stupid, Lazy Dick.
Dear Roommate,
Having that first girlfriend is a rememberable event in one's life. Especially if that first girlfriend let's you f*ck her on the first date. I'm happy for you. Truly. But f*cking her like clockwork at 6:45 AM every f*cking day, including Saturdays and Sundays for the past 3 f*cking weeks when I'm in the f*cking room is a bit f*cking ridiculous. Could you at least wait until I take a shower? Or put a gag over her f$cking mouth so I don't wake up. Hopefully you've been inspecting those condoms a little closer lately! I'm guessing you'll start to cut down once she starts "showing." HAHA...suck it bitch!
