A DRUNKEN DICK

Dear Roommate, 

Thanks for being such a douche. I really appreciate how you lick & suck your dirty silverware "clean" before throwing it back in our drawer without washing it. Your tongue isn't a dishwasher, you filthy f*ck! I love how you snatch our TV remote away from my side while I'm in the middle of watching a fuc*ing movie, dick. You "wanna see if somethin' else is on"??? What the fu*k did you think I was doing? Admiring the wall behind it? Get your gay DVDs off the TV, stop walking your fat ass around the house with no shirt on & your ass crack showing. Stop thinking I stole your cheap fuc*ing wine, douche. You just drink that red cuntwater until you pass out & forget where you left the bottle. Do you honestly think Bonnie won't fu*k you because she's gotta bf? SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOUR FAT ASS!!!! Stop putting dirty dishes back in the cabinet, lard ass. "Can't tell that they're dirty" ? Fucking look at them!!! There's spots and food all over them!! What the fuck is wrong with you? I truly hope you enjoy brushing your teeth every night & morning with my cum & piss, fucktard. 

P.S: Recipe for roommate vengeance

 

STEP 1: Piss on toothbrush, squeeze dry with toilet paper so he won't notice a wet brush.

STEP 2: Cum in a cup & pour into the toothpaste container, put cap back on. Squeeze and squish container until the paste & cum become homogenous. 

A Dick That Intimidates

Dear Roommate,

I used to be an atheist but since meeting you I have been forced to believe in
God because you are the fuc*ing devil. In the unfortunate year I have lived with
your ass, you have threatened to kill me, threatened to burn down our house,
threatened to steal all of my shit (a lot of which you have stolen), threatened
to sleep with my boyfriend and threatened to move out (at LEAST 6 times.)
Important here is the word "threatened" because your bitch ass would never do
any of these things; especially the last, because even though your parents pay
your rent (because you are unemployed and have failed out of two colleges) your own parents have refused to let you move back in with them. They'd rather pay to keep you away.

By the way, I've been lying about how much our rent is every month. Figured your mom and dad could spare the extra $50. The way I see it, it covers all of the cleaning I have to do to make this house bearable. The smell that comes from your room has actually made me throw up. Twice.

Exhibit A: Our bathroom sink, the day after I cleaned the bathroom.

Thanks bitch,

Your roommate

A Tone Deaf Dick

Dear Singing Dick Roommate,

NO ONE wants to hear you sing! You are an emo piece of sh*t. Your "lyrics" are lame and confirm what a fuc*ing loser you are. Get a life and grow some balls.

Sincerely,

Your Roommate who is plotting your rapidly approaching death.

The Douche Rangler

Dear Roomie,

Clean up your damn douche-city. It's the one by your bed. And stop bitching about not "having any clean coffee mugs." I just found you one. Don't wanna clean? Hire a maid-oh, wait, you'd need a job that actually pays.

Signed, Yours Truly,

The Useful Roommate

The Bouncing Dick

Dear Roommate,

Yet again you have screwed me over. I thought I was done with you finally, but you have somehow managed to come back. With what, you may ask?

Oh come on guess, it's not that hard.

Ok, you dumb fuck, you have succeeded in BOUNCING another check. This is the 5th. 5 out of 8 checks! That's more than half.

More than half.

Are you fucking stupid? Do you think that there's imaginary money in your back account? You sat over there at the other house bitching about cable and internet. I bounced one single check. One in my entire life, and you have the audacity to bitch and moan about it. I am positively sure now the 5 you have bounced here were not your first.

You think its okay to stiff all 5 of us by not paying rent for February, and moving out on the 5th. Let's play the common sense game. Don't worry, I'll spell it out for you:

Yes, I agree with you - for once - that I said that if you pay first month and security I would let you have the 3rd month free. This was okay because you told me and everyone else that you were only staying that long. I knew exactly when I would have to come up with the other 340 dollars. Then you decided to stay. That's where your free month stopped being part of the deal. You said you were staying for the whole time, meaning June, since that's when we signed the lease until. Are you an idiot? You can't just move out without giving notice when you had made further plans to stay until June. No one knew you were moving out until Feb 4th. (DEFINITION OF NOTICE: Not the 4th day into the month you are already late paying for. Simple enough for you?)

OF course you decided to come Feb 5th to move your shit out, and of course I wasn't here to make sure you knew exactly how much you owed me. Not to mention you let that stupid cunt bitch of a whore *Gina into my house. (Yes, Gina, I called you a cunt. I'm not planning on getting back in your good graces, so I don't really care if you still hold that against me two years later. Sometimes, there just isn't a better word.)

Oh, and your room. Your messy, smelly fucking, shitty paint job of a room. Are you a fucking schizo? Two different ugly colors? Why would you paint your room like that? Why would you attempt to paint your room at all? You suck at it. Yes, you smell like shit. Soap and water, it's not a hard concept, so wash your feet. The mess you left was just ridiculous. Your nasty period blood on the sheets, crap all over the floor, the paint job of course, and your smell. Just gross. Actually, it kind of reminded me of your mouth.

While cleaning up the mess that wasn't mine I discovered you were a klepto. Not really surprising after everything else. *Cara's make-up that you told her you didn't have was lying behind the dresser. The spaghetti spoon *Melissa and I bought and have been looking for was lying under the futon with that ugly red paint all over the handle. WHY WOULD YOU STIR PAINT WITH A KITCHEN UTENSIL? Why would you ruin something that wasn't yours? Who taught you to be so incredibly inconsiderate? Seriously. Did you have a nice little giggle when your first grade mindset gave you the idea to hide it under the bed?

Anyway. The moral of this story is you owe me another $350 dollars for the 5th bounced check. In cash. I feel like I have to explain that, since I'm not the retarded one here. By Friday. This Friday. I don't want to see your face, so just leave it under the "LEAVE" mat in front of our door, then do what the mat says.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of owed money, start saving up for your portion of the heat bill. You better believe we're going to have you sign something that guarantees your cheap ass is going to chip in for that.

* NAMES CHANGED....

Dick-Gyver

Dear Roommate,

Grow the fu*k up and gain some maturity so that when my friends come over to visit and need a place to sit, you stop tying your chair to the desk. Why did you tie it with thread? WHY THREAD!? If I was that fucking stupid I would at least use rope or something substantial to make me use a bit of effort to regain access to the chair. And your intense paranoia that I'm going to steal your shit is getting old too. Who did I catch stealing my books, clothes, and condoms? Yes douche bag, it was you. But somehow you felt it was necessary to not so strategically place pieces of tapes on all your drawers and closet? Seriously? Rot in hell thieving dick.

Hugs and Kisses,

Your Roommate

A Broke Ass Dick

Dear Roommate,

Ahh, where do I begin? Let's start with when we met, and you were 10s of thousands of dollars in debt. I decided to be cool and invite you out, even offering to pay for your drinks. Yes, I'm awesome. Or how about the dozens of times that you asked to borrow money? Hell, why not? I'm a responsible adult with a job....and you...well, you're you. I definitely appreciate all of the times that I bought weed, and you smoked as much as you could, and never offered to pay anything. Not to mention all of the times that you stole it from me, and then on the rare occasions when you bought for yourself, never offered to share. I'll leave out all of the filth you leave all over the f**king place, since you're apparently too fucking stupid to clean anything. I love the fact that you buy the absolute cheapest sh*t you can find for the house...the paper towels that couldn't clean up mouse piss with an entire roll, the trashbags that tear if you put anything in them that weighs more than 4 ounces, or the awesome puerto rican food that smells like rice mixed with dog sh*t. By far, the best part is having your disgustingly hideous girlfriend living in the house for the past 3 months, and saying that she is going to pay part of the utilities. Damn right she's paying part of the utilities....MY part, since I'm not giving you any money for this month or last. I and my girlfriend don't work our asses off to support you and yours, especially when yours hasn't had a job since you met her. The creepiest thing....your "girl"friend looks exactly like you...only more ugly, and with smaller tits. 10 more days, and I will have absolutely no contact with you ever again, unless it's to beat your ass and collect a check. By the way, you can say that you used to do muay thai all you want, but we all know that you're one lip away from being a 5'10" vagina.

A Wadded Up Dick

Dear Roomate,

Thank you for leaving all your f*cking garbage all over your room and bailing on the rent for this month. I truly appreciate it. I also appreciate the fact that you decided you're not going to be paying rent for the next few months (ok then get the hell out!) and went to another effing city before saying you won't be coming back for your crap, leaving your crap laying around, and of course, leaving the fantastic bottle of lotion and balled up kleenex (circled) for me to clean up. F*cking sick. Who the hell does that? Seriously! walking into your room was like walking into a pile of stale sweaty laundry. open a damn window if you're going to stay locked in your room playing WoW all day, and take a freaking shower. My god.

Thanks,
your (former) roommate

Junk Yard Roommate

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for the unique opportunity to share an apartment with you. How could I imagine that all your stuff you first put down when we moved in, was really where you wanted it to be....

How could I also imagine that you would blame me for trying to have a clean/organized apartment? What was I thinking???

Besides that, I can only be happy when you point out to me that I didn't do *YOUR* dishes...shame on me, of course...

The Angry Face

Dear Roommate, (aka "angry face" as everyone calls you behind your back)

What is the point of stockpiling all your food in your own room when theres a kitchen? We don't eat your stuff because we know what a bitch you'd be about it, and hell, half the time you eat our shit. Stop being such a paranoid, selfish, glutton and maybe people would stop hating you for being a self centered prick.

P.S. It may not seem like it but, everyone hates you. Everyone.

The Puke Bucket

Dear Roommate,

My laundry basket is not the puke bucket, which was inches away.

Thanks for not cleaning up your mess or at least paying me the 5 bucks in quarters it took to do my laundry

You’re a dick!

A Dick Looking for His Runway

Dear Roommate,

Those cleaning products I installed in the bathroom? That was a hint for you to clean the fucker! You don't flush, which is bad enough, but why is there dried toothpaste up the shower walls and splattered all over the roller blind? I also put soap and a fresh white towel in there with the hope that you would wash. You obviously took the hint, the towel is now black. Furthermore, whenever you open your bedroom door, everyone wants to throw up from the smell. It looks like a bomb dropped in there. You haven't washed your bedding since we moved in, in September (its now march), and you only washed your clothes when i told you it was vile to sleep in them then wear them for class. That stupid turmeric powder has stained everything in the kitchen yellow, there is sugar and coffee encrusted onto the counter and rice in the sink. and why dont you just go shopping instead of eating MY food?! And yes, we all LOVE to hear you jumping around the kitchen singing Savage Garden at all hours of the day. Good luck with the music career you so wish to pursue. You sound like a strangled cat. We know you study fine art, but surely theres no need to cover every available surface in various shades of the rainbow. Thats right, in case you hadn't noticed, our house is not a canvas and theres paint over every fucking thing. Finally... we do not appreciate you telling us how gorgeous you are. Hate to break it to you but your an ugly bitch with a fat ass and WAY too much body hair, and why does nothing you wear ever match? You think you could be a model?! Your 23 years old, stop acting like a damn child. Stop staring at your ugly self in every reflective surface and taking photos of yourself. Here is a picture of you. I'm sure plenty of modelling agencies will be wanting to snap you up now. You complete and utter dick.

An Ingrown Dick

Dear Roommate, 

Showing you the "My Roommate is a Dick" website was so you'd get the HINT! The house smells like your dirty dishes and your dog's piss! Also Do Your Fucking Dishes! And just because I let you use my gravy mix twice, does not mean that you can use all but one serving! And while you are at it, DO NOT CALL ME INTO THE BATHROOM WHILE YOU ARE NAKED BECAUSE YOU HAVE AN IN GROWN HAIR ON YOUR BOOB!

YOU CRAZY PYSCHO BITCH YOU ARE NASTY,

YOUR ROOMMATE

The Dirty Sanchez

Dear Roommate,

Ya know its bad enough I forbid you from using my pots and pans because you leave them in the sink for weeks at a time but now you won't clean the diahrea splatter on the underside of the toilet seat, from your recent F%&k budy that came to visit last weekend... I hope your boyfriend finds out you are cheating on him well as a matter of fact I think a little birdy may have already told him.... Grow up! Your 25 and you act like your 12. Oh no do I see another tantrum coming?!!!!

Waaa Waaaa Waaa


P.S your new nickname is Dirty Sanchez and I am telling everyone till you clean up your crap!

Roommates Headed for a Rubber Match

Dear Roommate,

When I said I would split groceries with you, I didn't think it would include the box of condoms. Not only that, you put your initials on 6 of em. What the fuck is that all about. At least be happy one of us in the house is getting laid you cheap f*ck.

The Dick Mitten

Dear Roommate, 

Listen we share a dorm room and I could clearly hear you jerking off last night. What was more revolting, though, was waking up this morning and finding this "thing" and realizing you were drilling a RUBBER VAGINA! 

I may never sleep soundly in this room again. 

 

Nintendick

Dear Roommate, 

 

You love video games, I get it. This is a little ridiculous, though. Can you please explain why we're home to the "video game museum." I mean, really? What the F*ck is a Dreamcast? Its bad enough having a veritable jungle of wires and consoles scattered across our apartment, but HALF OF 'EM DON'T EVEN WORK. How do I know? I hear you "blowing" in the nintendo cartridges and watch you hit reset a thousand times on every cd based system. You wanna know the worst part -- and it's not telling girls "there not mine" like it's some sort of dirty porn -- it's watching my parents eyes drift to the mountain of video games as I explain that I may be flunking accounting. Long story short, they no longer pay for my tutor ( they think the money is going somewhere else). 

PS. I'm using this same photo to post all your shit on e-bay. Thanks for paying for my tutor.

Call Me When You're Not a Dick

Dear Roommate,

The telephone line running to your room was 40 years old, and bound to snap eventually. That gave you NO excuse to "retaliate" by cutting through the ethernet cable going into my room, which I'm sure you did while you were high. Thank Goodness you're a total moron and didn't realize that that cable went to our OTHER roommate's room, so HE'S the one who hasn't had internet for three weeks. We'll be meeting today to talk about kicking your sorry ass to the street. Eat the curb, Dick!

Small Undies, Big Ass, Huge Dick

Dear Roommate,

Just because the first time we were getting rid of all the crap we didn't need we had a rental truck at the time... does NOT mean we only get rid of crap only when we have a rental truck. YOU HAVE WAY TOO MUCH SHIT SO GET IT OUT OF MY LIVING ROOM, KITCHEN, AND BATHROOM.

You also steal my underwear. It's one thing to steal a girl's underwear, but when you take them out of the dirty clothes hamper in my room... that's what we all call "creepy". It's also weird considering you've got a bigger ass than mine. I got a lock on my door so you're stop going into my room and stealing things (oh and denying it when I ask you if you've seen something, because you know very well I've never accused you of anything before), and then wearing my things, stretching them out because I'm an extra small/small while you're a medium/large...

Stop trying to convince everyone that I'm delusional and making things up because you never want to own up to anything. I have a mood disorder called Bipolar Disorder not a severe psychological disorder call psychosis or schizophrenia... PLUS I'M HEAVILY MEDICATED AND YOU'RE NOT. By the way, you STOLE my $700 pearl earrings, you didn't "borrow" them thinking I wouldn't mind. You also acknowledged that you went through my dirty underwear to make up the story that resulted in you going through my underwear drawer and finding said earrings. Funny, I had told you two or three days before hand how I never wear them because I'm scared of losing them, but they're insured. Hmm... and I don't make sense? Just because you got mad/disagree about the police report I filed against you doesn't make what you did okay. You were wrong, not me.

P.S. Quit making fun of my music because it's not some shitty music I heard on college radio. I'll listen to my Radiohead as fucking loud as I want to. Your emo music is whiny, not Thom Yorke. Whore.

Don't Let a Dick Touch Your Pooh

When I said you could borrow my Pooh doll for an art project, I didn't have this in mind. Dick

Colon-Blow

Dear Roommate, 

This isn't what I had in mind when you told me you were finally "cleaning up" your life! 

Outside of grossing me out, this new years resolution is clogging our toilet. 

YOU WRITE THE LETTER!

Sometimes we get a submission from a roommate who is SO upset, he/she has forgotten to include the letter. When this happens, we invite you to help write it! 

More High Pitched than High!

Dear Roommate, 

Not sure if this makes you a dick or just a straight up retard, but THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS NITROUS!! When you said you could "hook it up" and you only needed $10 bucks from me, I shoulda known. Judging by this incident its probably best you screwed this one up, you need all the brain cells you can hold onto. 

CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER DICK ROOMMATE

Dear Former Roommate,

I'd like to clear my conscience with a confessional. When we lived together, it was the late 90's. There was no website like this for us to turn to...otherwise I'm sure that we would have. Unfortunately, digital photography was in it's infancy and we were poor college students with no cameras, so the picture is a recreation.

I remember how you kept house...clean when sex was on the line (sex for you anyway). When it was on the line, it was like a hospital. When it wasn't...well we had some phantom odors on occasion. When it was bad enough, in home or car, you would clean it to get rid of as you'd say "ass smell". Usually the rotting garbage in your car would get your attention on a weekly basis. Sometimes, the apartment wouldn't get your attention as easily.

When I couldn't get you to clean the house, I decided to take matters in my own hands. The recipe from what I recall was the following: 1. Pour 1-2 capfuls of milk between garbage can and liner. 2. wait several days.
In those several days, I watched in amazement as you sterilized all that was violated only days before.

All good things come to an end. You discovered the source of the "ass smell". I don't know if it was confusion or confrontation, but when you asked if I had an idea of what caused that odor, I bit my lip hard enough to bleed in an effort to keep from laughing.

I apologize for my dick ways. I hope in some way, that I've reformed...for the sake of my current roommate - my wife.

Signed
Formerly Dickly but still friends...

Thank God He Didn't Leave His Dog

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for watering the plant while I was away on Christmas vacation.

Saint Dick

Dear Roommate, 

Remember that day we were all psyched about finally restocking our bar. Yeah that was awesome! 

Sooo...what the f*ck happened between December 24th and December 25th? I was gone one day!

Thanks for the Christmas gift, asshole.

 

A Fat Dick

Dear Roommate, 

Until your fat ass decides to lose some weight, your privilege of riding my scooter has hear-by been REVOKED. Thanks for putting the air pump in the tire and all, but when you've already popped the fuc*ing tire under your 260 pound lard ass, it makes filling it up with air kinda difficult. 

P.S Can making you walk and actually get some exercise be a bad thing?!  

A Dick that Likes to Bitch

Dear Roommate, 

Door, my roommate....my roommate, the door. I'd like the two of you to meet because I think you've misunderstood the door's purpose. When its closed, that means STAY THE F*CK AWAY!!  

It doesn't mean come knocking at 1 in the morning bitching that your boyfriend (who's across the country) has been ignoring you for 2 days. You two live 2,000 miles apart, I hate to break it to you but he's banging other girls. 

The door closed also means to stay out of it when I'm not home. Doesn't mean come in and pull whatever clothes you want out of my closet. You're easily 30 pounds heavier than me, and you're stretching all my stuff out!! 

An International Dick

Dear Roommate (or wombmate since you can't say R's)

Please stop being a thief. Now that you have left with a new bike, jersey, 2x pants, rugby socks, washing basket, iPod, tennis raquet, untold numbers of Mitch's T shirts, nike shoes and possibly a guitar tuner, please stop stealing stuff!

When you pulled a bit off your car and threw it away and then the door didn't stay closed we thought you were just random. When mitch asked for his shirt back after you said you'd give it back, and then you said you lost it, we thought it was funny enough to let it slide. But then you took so much other stuff when you went back to your home country, we have decided you are not a good friend!

September and November payments to the flat bank account were pretty much optional so thats okay that you missed them. And because you don't pay towards the upkeep of the flat you aren't allowed to do any cleaning. Dont you dare do any! You already cleaned the toilet once back in June, that is more than enough, Bucko!

The landlord and a representative from the city council both want money from you as well.

Good luck with being a policeman in your home country.

Dick Trying to Kill the Pussy

Dear Roommate,

When I find the person that thought it was funny to give my cat a fu*kin Xanax, I’m gonna give him an $800 ass whoopin!!! I know it was one of your high friends who would take it up the ass for some weed and pills. I can’t believe I would leave you alone with my cat long enough for me to go to wal-mart let alone to the beach with my family. Did you even feed him while I was gone…anything besides pills, that is?!! If you don’t turn over the person that led to me gettin an $800 vet bill, I’m gonna kick your ass…again, you fu*kin pussy!

PS: You need to pack your shit and get out!
PSS: We’re breaking up!!!
PSS: I cleaned out the litter box goodies and baked you a treat. I hope you enjoyed those oatmeal cookies, you hungry bitch!!!!

A MOLDY DICK

Dear Roommate, 

How do I know you haven't been washing your dishes? How about when mold starts growing inside the glass!!! Your a filthy human being. Tonight, I'm throwing every damn piece of glassware out and replacing it with paper cups and plates. Your clearly just not ready for the BIG responsibility of washing your dishes. 

P.S I'm nauseous now! 

ROCK DICK...ROCKS ON

Dear Roommate, 

As if listening to you "rock out" at 2 in the morning wasn't bad enough, NOW YOU HAVE A FU*KING BAND?!! Are you kidding me with this fu*king shit. 

GET OUTSIDE...ALL YOU YOU!! 

  

DICK OF THE WEEK!! Good, Good, Vibrations

Dear Roommate,

Oh my god! Oh my god! What were you possibly thinking?? Did it really seem alright for you to clean "that" in there. You are a filthy human being. You're buying us all new plates and silverware!! I mean...FILTHY!!

A Dealing Dick

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for starting to deal drugs again. I really love tons of strangers and old dudes coming into our house at all hours, especially since you can't hear them pounding on the door and I constantly have to get it. 

Also, thanks for just being a douchebag in general by throwing raw meat in our garbage which makes our whole house smell like ass and NEVER taking it out!!! And thanks for being a sexist dickwad and just f*ck Saadia already, the sexual tension between you two is starting to make me sick. The secret is wait until she has 4 beers, she'll open up for anyone.

p.s. Enjoy your lonely weekend bottle of jack daniels, fat ass!

A Sh*tty Dick

Dear Roommate,

It fu*kin pisses me off when I go home for Thanksgiving break, and I come back to find that you have completely destroyed the couch with some kind of sh*t stain. I'm not worried about the fact that the apartment was clean when I left, but how the hell did that damn cooch smelling stain get all up and down the side of the couch like that.....FU*KING FREAK!!!.....I knew yo girl was dirty, I told you several times, yet you refuse to listen. I'm calling the cleaners and your fu*kin paying for it........

P.S: My Grandma saw the damn couch and started crying because that's the couch my grandpa died on..........she gave us the couch and you defiled it with yo nasty ho-bag.......you inconsiderate fu*k!!!