Dear Dick Of A Roommate,
I just wanted to send you a quick thank you note for being such a great roommate. You drinking in our dorm cluster until 3 AM on a Wednesday did such wonders for my grades. And when you left me that voicemail of "eat shit and die, faggot", you raised a good point. I probably am a faggot seeing I don't f$ck any trash that roams into my field of vision like you. I was a bit worried about your gorgeous girlfriend back home, but you erased my doubts again by quoting Aristotle and saying "My hotdog needs a bun". I really can't argue with that logic. I could go on about the foul-smelling weed, your loser friends eating all of my food, destroying my hat rack, and stealing the TV, but I won't. I feel as though I've praised you enough. I did leave you a "thank you" present when I left. I hope you enjoyed it.
Hugs n Kisses,Your Favorite Roommate
PS - Enjoy your toothbrush