Monday, October 30, 2017

This Roommate Don't Give a Shit

Dear Roommate,

I truly cannot thank you enough for the call I received from “Alex in Kappa Sig” explaining how you were in dire need of assistance, forcing me take a $60 Uber back to campus during the best Mardi Gras parade. 
After placing your ass directly on the toilet per your request, you truly iced the cake by dropping this fat deuce. I never thought you could be this shitty. I was wrong.

Eat more Raisin Bran before you shit where I shower! 

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

A Psycho-tic Roommate

Dear creepy 50 year-old roommate,

I'm not your mommy. Stop telling me that you like it when I wear skirts and wear my hair a certain way, both like your dead mother did. Lots of women wear skirts and yes, I need a new haircut asap, but I'm not your mommy, you creep. And no, my food is not disg
usting because it's not like your dead mother's. You're just a creep.

Get a therapist,

Your moving-out-asap-and-before-you-skin-me-alive-to-wear-my-skin roommate

Friday, July 25, 2014

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! A Possessive Dick

Dear Roommate,

OK, I get it...the red bull and margarita mix is MINE, and the rest is YOURS. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Good, Good, Vibrations

Dear Roommate,

Oh my god! Oh my god! What were you possibly thinking?? Did it really seem alright for you to clean "that" in there. You are a filthy human being. You're buying us all new plates and silverware!! I mean...FILTHY!!

This Bitch is a Dick

Dear Roomate,

Thanks for letting your dog eat my $210 shoes. Bitch.

Smokey the Bear says your roommate is a dick

Dear Roommate,

3:30 am + smoke machine + yelling fire = one dick roommate.

BTW - I blew my interview. Good luck getting my rent.

Dick Diesel

Dear Roommate,
Puh-lease stop flexing everytime you take a photo with our crew. We get it. You go to the gym. We're all really impressed. I'm gonna start photoshopping you out if you don't stop.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014


Dear Roommate,

Get a job. All you do is play videogames in your underwear. I don't care if you are my brother. I'm telling mom.

Your Brother.


Dear (soon to be) Ex-Roommate,

There's a certain amount of laziness that I can deal with. Dishes in the sink… fine. Forgetting to replace the toilet paper… it happens. Ev
en leaving your moldy food in the fridge… it was pushed all the way in the back. But what I cannot and will not stand for is the complete lack of consideration for others as well as the blatant disregard for what is known as common human decency! Who does this?!!! If I had to choose something to sum up our entire relationship as friends and roommates, it would have to be this photograph. You knew it was wrong yet you continued to tear and tear even though you could have gone back at any moment to remedy the situation. Good luck in your new apartment and your new life. Just know that I won't be there to straighten out your messes any longer.

A "trying to get you assaulted by random foreign guy" Dick

Dear Roommate,

Listing the apartment on Airbnb without my permission, then informing me that a strange man would be coming into the house while you were out of town, was absolutely not cool. I'm in a foreign country, can't speak the language very well, and am female in a society where this is a distinct disadvantage. 

REALLY not cool.

I can't wait to report your ass to the landlord. 


Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Thank God He Didn't Leave His Dog

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for watering the plant while I was away on Christmas vacation.

Saturday, August 10, 2013






Dear Roommates:

The two of you have turned into the utterly lazy drunks since your wedding October 2012. Which is when you also stopped living like roommates and started living like two dirty hamsters in a cage and when approached about the situation you ignored your other roommates requests about cleaning up after yourselves. We got sick of cleaning up after you, and caring for you like children. So this is what has become of your living area in the upstairs portion of the house we share. I hope your happy with your selves. Oh and we recently found out that your sleeping in separate rooms, I guess divorce is in the future? Congrats! 


Your (soon to be ex) roommates

Monday, July 30, 2012

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

A High Calorie Dick

Dear Roommate,

Our new years resolution was to drop twenty pounds each. Why would you do this to us?

Bedroom Borrowing Dick

Dear Roommate,

Yes I was away for one weekend. And yes, I said your cousin can stay in room. And yes u owe me an explantion as to what the hell happened!

This Dick Ain't Got One

Note to self: Never get a girl roommate again. Ever.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

DICK ROOMMATE HALL OF FAME: Surprisingly the one with the cock isn't the dick

Dear Roommate,

Hey, thanks for the surprise you left for me when I brought my parents home during graduation weekend. I've never been happier to move out of the apartment.

P.S. you can keep the couch.

P.S.S. and where did you find that scrappy looking white boy???

Wednesday, February 29, 2012



Don't be telling me you're strapped for cash and can't be throwing in on the electric bill --- I know you buy new kicks EVERY weekend. Quit being a bitch. Either start saving some dough or start selling on E-Bay.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


Dick, Where's My Car?!

Dear Dick Roommate,

I always explain to people that living with you is like living with the king of the world. You can do no wrong and everything and I mean EVERYTHING is all about you.

I remember that I moved in while you were unemployed and piled up a debt of over $2000. Being the 15 year friend that I am, I told you that there was no debt and to buy yourself a car. WHERE IS YOUR CAR DUDE!? This is also AFTER my parents paid for your legal services to keep you from jail time.

Now I'm unemployed and you have use of MY car. Under the 1 and only 1 condition (not even keep the car clean) that you CALL me when your going to be late in case I need the car or to make plans. This is the 5th fucking time you are more than 3 hours late. I needed the car HOURS ago for an EMERGENCY dental appointment (ow, and FUCK). Good thing I have a couple decent friends, one of them got me there. I really hope your OK (and my car also) but if your not, I may beat your ass anyway. I tried calling you on your phone but you left it here.

I think to start with there will be some car restrictions: You will not drive it. I will drive you. $10 ride to work and $20 ride from work. In the rare case that I cannot do this, I feel its reasonable to charge you $100 if your more than 1 hr late without a call. PER TIME. Or get your own fucking car.

On the list of not cool things you have done is get extremely drunk at the bar we were at and when I felt it was time to go. You refused. So I asked my friends to give you a ride home. So after you get home you decide to kick in my door (doors still broken) and when I barricaded it (with my sofa) you decided to turn off every breaker in the house. (IT WAS COLD THAT NIGHT) because I didn't leave when you wanted to.This is only one "for instance" PLEASE DO NOT DRINK ANY MORE (or bug me about my drinking, you have no right)

F*&# you,

LIVID Roommate

PS I don't have a picture of my car because its NOT THERE!

A Dick-Poster

Dear Dick Roomate,

(Thank God you aren't actually a ROOMmate... I'd rather live in the streets than sharing a ROOM with you!)

You hacked into my boyfriend's computer while we were away and when found out, instead of saying "Sorry", you said, "If I didn't guess your password in the first time round, I wouldn't have continued to use it! I was just using your computer to scan and print some pictures!" Hello??? Did anyone say you were allowed to "borrow" his computer and his printer when you wanted it? And you certainly did NOT just use the scanner and printer but were browsing his Facebook messages, using Spotify and your own Facebook. And you're shocked how we found out? If only you had a brain to remember to at least log yourself off Facebook after using others' computers (and we're not asking you to delete the browsing history!!). And you still do all this after you've got it so full of viruses that every single programme decided not to function!

Attached is a beautiful picture of your Highness, NOT (!!!!!) Ha, it makes me want to puke each time I receive a letter from the Chocolate Club addressed to "Lady (your surname)" Seriously, who do you think you are!?

Stop being such an ass and keep your hands off our things!! But you MAY keep the makeup that you've stolen from MY drawer, you lowly thuggish creature. I cannot emphasize how much of a nuisance you are to us and to our neighbours! Maybe I should ring your Mummy and Daddy up so they can re-educate you and hopefully kick some discipline into your fat ass

Monday, February 27, 2012

A De-Caffeinated Dick!

Dear Roommate,

So happy to see you finally bought some coffee for the house this morning, until I dumped out the box and realized all you got was DECAF! Seriously, are you f*#*@ brain dead?! Why not pick up a six pack of non alcoholic beer next time you're at it, dick.


Dear Roommate,

Doesn't matter how much of this shit you chug, nothing is helping that breathe. You eat Doritos all day and rinse once. Here's a tip, IT'S NOT THE SAME AS BRUSHING. Dick!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Dick Cave

Dear Dick Roommate,

You are the roommate from hell!

Initially I chose to overlook the disgusting state of your room, the bongs and booze mess everywhere, the complete disregard to the house, the abuse, the back stabbing, the messyness because I too am a bit messy, I too have little quirks that need ironing out but over the months I ironed them out, you did not and in fact became WORSE!! I overlooked most things because I couldnt afford to pay the rent on my own but now you have caused me to hate coming home, to be afraid to come home or even to go to bed at night. YOU ARE EVIL AND PURE POISON! You bring drugs into your house, drink copius amounts of alcohol and vomit everywhere. You will refuse to pay bills but expect the place to be immaculately clean. You happily sleep with married women and brings them home without any cause for concern in regards to what the respective husbands may do. You use your things and then treat them like crap, you're abusive, attempt to break things, threaten me, and continue to partake in ilegal activities.

Worse than anything, you drag my boyfriend out to your "man cave" and buy his friendship by giving him weed and booze and then to add insult to injury you sit there bagging me to him to try and convince him to dump me! All i have is one thing to say to you, I work in a prison bitch so don't mess with me!

Monday, August 9, 2010

A Crappy DIck

Dear Shitmonster,

You shit all the time! Guess how I know? The trash can is filled with toilet paper rolls. You claim to use none of it, but the evidence points otherwise! Why lie? Either shit less or start coughing up some money for the toilet paper. I suggest laying off the oatmeal and coffee.

Vincent Van Dick

Dear Roommate,

Just because you paid $70 bucks for this DOESN'T make it Art. I get it, you like smoking weed, now put it back in the closet!

Besides, this nice bong doesn't make up for your small dick.

- Tom

Monday, August 2, 2010

This Dick Needs A Kennel

Dear Roommate,

I was cool when you and your boyfriend decided to get the first dog. In fact, I actually liked him. I was even kinda o.k. with you getting the second one. But then you started putting pee-pads on the floor in the dining room, "just in case" you couldn't let them out in time. After that, you just turned into a lazy piece of shit! I love coming home for lunch, only to find trash torn up on the floor, and dog shit that you have left there since last night. Whatever, I just started staying in my room more often.
Then one day, I come home to find that you have decided to use MY bathroom as a damn dog kennel. Thank you so much. When I opened the door to take a shower, I almost puked in my mouth from the stench of dog shit smeared all over the blanket you left in there for them. So, since I'm in a hurry, I just decided to drag the blanket out in the hall so I could take a shower. While I was in the shower, you came home and saw that I put the blanket in the hallway. When I got out of the shower, you had the nerve to bitch at ME for not cleaning up the shit!!!!!! @#$% you! You're a stupid bitch! I know that you went through my jewelry. I know that you went through my trash. And I also know how many times you've had sex on my couch. I also recall cleaning the apartment every weekend, while you leave your blood stained panties on the living room floor.
I was willing to over look most things, but I'll be damned if someone is going to use my bathroom as a kennel. I'm even gonna post a picture. You're such a skank, I can't believe you even have a boyfriend, cause you're such a dirty bitch! You better thank GOD that we're all in the military, cause that's the only thing that kept me from beating the living shit out of you (I'm not a big fan of Article 15's).
The girl that's not a dirty bitch...
P.S. I'm the one that let your dogs chew up your debit card, and your fancy cloth napkins, and your gym shoes, and your favorite bra, and your orange nightie :) You're welcome.


A Crazy, Controlling, Pyscho, Bitch Ass, DICK!

Dear Roommate,

I overlooked the fact that you are a psycho bitch, and that your fiance is shady and self-absorbed, because me and my boyfriend couldn't make rent on our own and you were a pretty fun 'friend' to party with back in college. Not only do you verbally abuse my boyfriend and treat your fiance like crap in front of us (which is embarrassing for everyone), you act like you are queen of the townhouse and we are merely peasants compared to you! After your last princess-esque meltdown directed towards me and my boyfriend over ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKING OVER AND SPILLING YOUR CHEAP VODKA COOLER, I'd had enough and left the house for a few days to get away from you. Now you are trying to break the lease and leave me and my boyfriend on the streets??? The fact that you are acting like we 'did you wrong' and you need to get on with your life is BULLSHIT! You are in for a rude awakening because the law is on our side and you and your fiance can't just bounce on the lease. Also, if you keep this up, I'll tell your family the REAL and much more sordid reason you dropped out of college. Is screwing over me and my boyfriend worth being ex-communicated by your family once and for all; the only people that ACTUALLY like you (because they have to, though they have kicked you out enough times - which is why we are living together by the way!)??? Sure, shame on me for agreeing to live with you knowing full well how you can be. Shame on me again for picking up after you and your fiance and looking the other way when you break the house rules that YOU set in regards to pretty much everything!

You know what? Lets break this down a little:

-Verbally and mentally abusive to everyone in the house
-Physically abusive TO YOUR OWN FIANCE!
-Think its ok to take out your anger on EVERYONE!
-Lock out me and my boyfriend ON A REGULAR BASIS
-Don't do any housework
-Think screaming at the top of your lungs "because it feels good to scream" is acceptable (even after noise complaints)
-Make your fiance pay for your ENTIRE share of rent and cable (even though you make just as much as him)
-Act like we have to completely bend to your will or we are "doing you wrong"
-Are a blatant and open racist towards our multi-cultural neighbors
-Two words: Control FREAK!
-Seem to be PROUD of the fact you are a psycho bitch and get mad at US for "not understanding"

-I had enough of you and left without saying goodbye for a few days which upset you...leading you to try to put me and my boyfriend out on the streets.

Guess what princess...KARMA IS A BITCH!!! Everything is going to catch up with you and then I'll be laughing. The fact that you are pretty is only going to get you by for so long until people can't forgive your ugly insides anymore; then you will be left in the dust! Even your fiance will get tired of your crap and leave you, heck, he already did once...who says he wont again?! Look around sweetie: I was your only friend left! I am NOT conceded enough to think you'll never make another friend in your life, but I can say with confidence you will NEVER have another good friend who unconditionally loves you and always have your back like I did...nobody did before me, so shame on ME for being so foolish!

I hope you don't go through with trying to break our lease because I NEED you right now. But I also hope that several months from now when the lease is expired and me and my boyfriend have enough money to live on our own, that I NEVER SEE YOUR CRAZY CONTROLLING PSYCHO BITCH ASS again!

From your FORMERLY caring and understanding roommate :-)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Fat Dick on a Little Bike...

Dear Roommate,

I find it awesome how everyone in the fucking house pays for your share of the rent. Never mind that you have a perfectly good (PAID FOR) car but decided that instead of paying rent, a new motorcycle would be better. Oh, and we all realized the shit you were pulling whenever one day we gave you money to pay the $200 overdue cable bill (overdue because your lazy ass never bothered to tell us about the bills that were piling up) and our cable still got shut off but miraculously, your cell phone bill and motorcycle payment got made on the same day. And we couldn't believe you had the balls to ask us for ANOTHER $200 for "the rest of what we owed the cable company". We are sick of your broke ass, and we are sick of you telling stupid "he-said-she-said" lies about all of us to the others behind our backs to pit us against each other for the fun of it. We aren't your goddamned entertainment, so stop making shit up to make us fight. None of us even believes you anymore. We hate your loud-ass bitchy girlfriend that acts like she's better than everyone, and we are sick of you inviting fucking rude high school tramps over, you pedophile pervert. You are 24 years old! That is sick!! Stop walking around the house in your underwear with 4 inches of your fat crack hanging out and GTFO of our house!!!

Your roommates who up to this point, have had saintly patience.

P.S. Included is not a picture of you, but a picture of what you look like on that stupid motorcycle.

A Fair and Balanced Dick

Dear Roommate,

Maybe I should have seen your psycho bitchiness coming, since you lived alone last year. Maybe I should have hightailed it out of here when you were mad at ME after YOU bought an ugly ass painting for the living room. Maybe when your boyfriend kept ringing our bell to summon you and then spending all his time here talking about himself, I should have just taken the loss and left. But no, I've been stuck with you all year long and it's gotten worse and worse as time goes on. I have HAD it!

You have shut lights out on me, shut doors on me, attempted to lock me out of the apartment, and ruined a pan of mine. You are very close-minded about politics and don't understand the basic structure of the American government system. I would rather get a root canal sans anesthesia than try to explain to you something about politics, because it's clear so much Fox News has inundated your brain that there's nothing left in there but pundits and their "fair and balanced" news and basic anatomical structures to keep your body from shutting down.

You apologize and then demand things in the same breath. I've had to hear you and your boyfriend have make-up sex because he was being a condescending asshole again not once, but THREE times! It's too bad you didn't see the fact that even though he bought you a promise ring (or so you told a friend of yours), he was still going to be a complete doucheknuckle. If I have to hear him come over to whine about getting food like he always does, or talk about himself, I will kick you both in the face repeatedly!

You're messy and have the responsibility skills of an infant. I have yet to seen you clean a single dish without leaving food stuck on, and it's nasty. You can't even lock the front door, and you always leave your light on just to piss me off. And you wonder why I said, "No" to having coffee with you last week? Go to hell!

Wishing you a long, miserable, and lonely life,

Your roommate


The Three Dick-Migos

Dear Roommates,

Roommate number 1:
You've been here so long that you pretend that we're friends. You sit around the house all day drinking yourself stupid. I can hear the shit you say about me behind my back because you talk so fucking loud. Sober or not, you're such a fucking loud mouth. You told my fiancee', the owner of the house, that if he married me and my name gets added as an owner of the house that you would move out because you can't stand me having any control over you. What kind of souless monster insults someone's marriage before they get married? You! I am above you because my fiancee' owns this house. If you insult me then you insult him you nimrod. You stumble around this house as if you own it. You don't! You pay rent here so your ass isn't homeless and that's it! Every time there's an argument in this house you say that if your girlfriend was here that she'd kick my ass. I'm tired of hearing about your ex-stripper jailbird girlfriend. She's in jail for a reason. If she ever laid her hands on me I'd knock out her skinny ass and then throw her back in jail for assault. So don't mess with me. Stop borrowing money from my fiancee' and get a fucking job! Your college loan money isn't going to last forever and you're going to have to pay that shit back you idiot. I wish you'd pay what you out and then get the fuck out. Eventually everyone else will agree that it's time for you to go and I won't have to deal with you anymore. I plan to replace you with someone who's more nice, doesn't talk shit, and pays their rent on time like roommate number 3.

Roommate number 2:
You call yourself Playboy because you've cheated on every girl that you've dated. That is nothing to be proud of. You moved in and never paid us a fucking dime! My fiancee' is this close to kicking you out. He hates you and has made that very clear to me. Stop flirting with me because it isn't going to work. I've met players before and your sucking up is just pathetic. I heard you making fun of me for coughing this morning. How immature are you? You and roommate number 1 are laughing now, but not for long. When my fiancee' wakes up he's going to know how stupid you were being when I tell him. Roommate number 2, I should make fun of you. You've eaten almost all of the food that we just bought a week ago. You bought more to replace it and you've eaten that too. You smoke so much pot that it makes me fucking sick. If I owned this house I would have told you to take your pot and pills and get out. I'm tired of your mouth, and I'm not the only one that thinks that. Everytime you open your mouth nothing but lies and excuses pour out. You mumble and no one can understand what the fuck you are saying! You want to make fun of me for having a cold? Lets talk about how sick you are. You do so many fucking drugs that puke everyday. You are just like our last roommate and you'll be just as gone as she is when we boot you out. You say you don't like fighting, yet you keep making people hate you. My fiancee' has been nice enough to go and do temp. jobs with you and you don't pay him his fair share. Yesterday when you told my fiancee' that he's lazy and doesn't do shit on the job he was this fucking close to kicking you out that very second. Oh, speaking of which, I don't give a shit how much of a neat freak your "bootycall/girlfriend' is. I was a professional maid and I know how to clean just fine thank you very much. Your skank isn't here so don't tell me that my house is embarrassingly dirty. You almost got kicked out that last time my guy heard you say that, so you better not say it again. By the way, you owe us more money than what the rent costs. Stop borrowing money and shit that you can't afford. If you move out without paying us for your stay here than you'll be nothing but a bum. You don't move into someone's house promising them rent and then just up and leave at the end of the month. You will be such a disgrace if you do that. I hope we never get another roommate like you ever again.

Roommate number 3:
You have done nothing wrong yet. Thank you. You paid 2 months rent up front when you moved in, you're not messy, and you haven't eaten all our food. I'm sorry that roommate number 2 says that your girlfriend is fatter than me. It's an isult to both me and your girlfriend. You don't talk much and keep to yourself, but that's how I like it. It's not your fault my fiancee' stayed up with you until 4 a.m. playing video games and kept me up so long that I was too tired to go out on mother's day with my fiancee's mom. That was my guy's fault, but we're still working on that issue on "How late is too late?" when we have stuff to do in the morning. But so far you have been great and I hope we can replace roommate #1 and roommate #2 with people that are more like you. Thank you for keeping a steady job and being a role model for these other two idiots.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A Greasy Dick

Dear Roommate,

You are seriously disgusting. I’m glad that you overheard my friend saying that you smelled because ever since you’ve actually showered daily instead of once a week. Your hair is still a gross mess and looks like you wash your hair with vegetable oil its so greasy. You’re so rude to all of my friends and you think that its ok to stick your nose up at people when they walk by. Your ex knows that you cheated on him- twice. He hates you almost as much as I do. The best part is that you think that he would do anything for you. I’m surprised he hasn’t shoved peanut butter in your face to kill you. I find it hilarious that you own so many different body washes but you constantly smell like ass because you never wear deodorant because you “don’t sweat” and in the “off chance that [you] do” because it “doesn’t smell”. Newsflash- you literally smell like ass.

I seriously love that we have not spoken in six days. This has been the most amazing six days of my life. Also, please stop spilling Coke underneath the futon- I’m sick of cleaning up your messes when I leave to go home and find a puddle of almost solidified coke on the floor. Take a fucking shower and wash your greasy ass hair, then maybe you’ll be bearable since people can’t fucking stand you and your snooty attitude.

Patiently awaiting your slow and painful death,

Your Roommate

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


Dear Roommate, 

Thanks for being such a douche. I really appreciate how you lick & suck your dirty silverware "clean" before throwing it back in our drawer without washing it. Your tongue isn't a dishwasher, you filthy f*ck! I love how you snatch our TV remote away from my side while I'm in the middle of watching a fuc*ing movie, dick. You "wanna see if somethin' else is on"??? What the fu*k did you think I was doing? Admiring the wall behind it? Get your gay DVDs off the TV, stop walking your fat ass around the house with no shirt on & your ass crack showing. Stop thinking I stole your cheap fuc*ing wine, douche. You just drink that red cuntwater until you pass out & forget where you left the bottle. Do you honestly think Bonnie won't fu*k you because she's gotta bf? SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOUR FAT ASS!!!! Stop putting dirty dishes back in the cabinet, lard ass. "Can't tell that they're dirty" ? Fucking look at them!!! There's spots and food all over them!! What the fuck is wrong with you? I truly hope you enjoy brushing your teeth every night & morning with my cum & piss, fucktard. 

P.S: Recipe for roommate vengeance
STEP 1: Piss on toothbrush, squeeze dry with toilet paper so he won't notice a wet brush.
STEP 2: Cum in a cup & pour into the toothpaste container, put cap back on. Squeeze and squish container until the paste & cum become homogenous. 

Thursday, June 4, 2009

A Dick That Intimidates

Dear Roommate,

I used to be an atheist but since meeting you I have been forced to believe in
God because you are the fuc*ing devil. In the unfortunate year I have lived with
your ass, you have threatened to kill me, threatened to burn down our house,
threatened to steal all of my shit (a lot of which you have stolen), threatened
to sleep with my boyfriend and threatened to move out (at LEAST 6 times.)
Important here is the word "threatened" because your bitch ass would never do
any of these things; especially the last, because even though your parents pay
your rent (because you are unemployed and have failed out of two colleges) your own parents have refused to let you move back in with them. They'd rather pay to keep you away.

By the way, I've been lying about how much our rent is every month. Figured your mom and dad could spare the extra $50. The way I see it, it covers all of the cleaning I have to do to make this house bearable. The smell that comes from your room has actually made me throw up. Twice.

Exhibit A: Our bathroom sink, the day after I cleaned the bathroom.

Thanks bitch,

Your roommate

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