Dick-Gyver

Dear Roommate,

Grow the fu*k up and gain some maturity so that when my friends come over to visit and need a place to sit, you stop tying your chair to the desk. Why did you tie it with thread? WHY THREAD!? If I was that fucking stupid I would at least use rope or something substantial to make me use a bit of effort to regain access to the chair. And your intense paranoia that I'm going to steal your shit is getting old too. Who did I catch stealing my books, clothes, and condoms? Yes douche bag, it was you. But somehow you felt it was necessary to not so strategically place pieces of tapes on all your drawers and closet? Seriously? Rot in hell thieving dick.

Hugs and Kisses,

Your Roommate

A Broke Ass Dick

Dear Roommate,

Ahh, where do I begin? Let's start with when we met, and you were 10s of thousands of dollars in debt. I decided to be cool and invite you out, even offering to pay for your drinks. Yes, I'm awesome. Or how about the dozens of times that you asked to borrow money? Hell, why not? I'm a responsible adult with a job....and you...well, you're you. I definitely appreciate all of the times that I bought weed, and you smoked as much as you could, and never offered to pay anything. Not to mention all of the times that you stole it from me, and then on the rare occasions when you bought for yourself, never offered to share. I'll leave out all of the filth you leave all over the f**king place, since you're apparently too fucking stupid to clean anything. I love the fact that you buy the absolute cheapest sh*t you can find for the house...the paper towels that couldn't clean up mouse piss with an entire roll, the trashbags that tear if you put anything in them that weighs more than 4 ounces, or the awesome puerto rican food that smells like rice mixed with dog sh*t. By far, the best part is having your disgustingly hideous girlfriend living in the house for the past 3 months, and saying that she is going to pay part of the utilities. Damn right she's paying part of the utilities....MY part, since I'm not giving you any money for this month or last. I and my girlfriend don't work our asses off to support you and yours, especially when yours hasn't had a job since you met her. The creepiest thing....your "girl"friend looks exactly like you...only more ugly, and with smaller tits. 10 more days, and I will have absolutely no contact with you ever again, unless it's to beat your ass and collect a check. By the way, you can say that you used to do muay thai all you want, but we all know that you're one lip away from being a 5'10" vagina.