Saturday, October 6, 2007

Role Playing Dick

Dear Roommate,

You are the laziest person that I know. You will come up with excuses for EVERYTHING – if it means you don’t have to do anything or buy anything. You call out of work because you stay up till all hours of the night playing World of Warcraft and don’t want to turn the game off b/c you can’t pause it. You expect everyone to do your dishes – because if you just leave them sit long enough, one of us will get sick of looking at them and do them. You let the trash pile up and don’t take it out. You use the last of the TP, go get another role to finish wiping, but you can’t put the new roll on the thing and throw the old one out. Not to mention that when it’s your turn to buy new TP, everyone has to wait 3 weeks to wipe their ass because you refuse to do it until you actually decide that it might be time to wipe your own. You’re too busy playing World of Warcraft to even worry about cleaning that habitat you call a room. You wear the same clothes over and over again…sometimes, I don’t even know if they’re clean considering there’s really no separation between the trash strewn about on the floor of your room and clean and/or dirty clothes.


Friday, October 5, 2007

Dick Foreman

Dear Roommate,

The George Foreman is absolutely nasty!

C'mon, TWO plates filled with congealed charred fat!

Dishwasher Says it All

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for giving your fugly boyfriend a key to OUR apartment. I love awkwardly making small talk with him when you're not here and he is. BTW, his boobs are definitely a C cup. Probably larger. Also, the dishwasher isn't hard to open. How long are you going to leave your dishes laying around? When you get them out of the dishwasher and lament that there's still food stuck on them, I'm going to remind you, that had you washed them three weeks ago, there wouldn't be. WHY DO YOU DRIVE TO CLASS? You have gotten 13 parking violations - two TODAY. IN ONE DAY. WE LIVE ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE CAMPUS - LITERALLY. HOW LAZY ARE YOU? Why are you so dumb? You set off the smoke dectector "making pancakes"and had to WAKE ME UP to get it to stop. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? There's more, OH THERE'S MORE, but I think everyone gets the point. YOU'RE A DICK.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! Jizz Rags Off the Carpet

Dear Roommate,

You're such a disgusting slob who refuses to wash your clothes. Rather than picking up your dirty laundry off the floor, you buy new clothes. You've done this through an entire school year, but the kicker was when you had to clean it all up for move-out day....By the time you got down to the carpet, you were ripping your dirty panties and jiz rags off the carpet. Lots of them. As in, after months of being compacted into the floor they had stuck to it. Needless to say, by the time you were through, the carpet was ruined. The icing on the cake was when you called over the summer to say that the school had sent a bill to replace the carpet and YOU wanted me to pay half. What a dick!

Pawn Dick

Dear Roommate,

You and your boyfriend "found" this TV outside our apartment and brought it inside to see if it worked. When you discovered that it was broken, you decided to either take it to a pawn shop or take it to the dumpster, which apparently exists TEN FEET FROM OUR DOOR. That was three weeks ago. Now its been transformed into a table. Get it out of the house, or I'm breaking it and putting the pieces of glass in your bed.

An Open-Shut Case, You're a Dick

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for kicking our door in when you were stupid enough to leave your keys inside. Knocking is one thing you might wanna try next time. It was also awesome of you to wait for a week to get it fixed. Thanks a lot door breaker.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Disrespectful Dick

Dear Roommate,

You got away with making the kitchen filthy to the point that I bought my own fridge for my room. I didn't mind you blasting WoW at all hours of the night, or having LAN parties that leave the place reeking of old chicken and BO. You did, however, cross a line when you BARGED in on my girlfriend and me and started screaming about disrespect like a goddamn ape. That line was bent over and violated when you refused to make good on that incident, and tried to raise the rent by $250. Whenever you decide to BARGE into my room for the rent, you'll be greeted with a couple little gifts from me. I wish I could be there to receive your thanks, but I'll be in California, finding myself a future. Enjoy your WoW, and sleeping alone on an air mattress on your 28th birthday.

Sloppy Dick

Dear Roommate,
I love being away for two weeks to find you sitting in our living room with all your garbage piled up around your 'desk'. Stop smiling at me when I ask you to clean it up. You're the reason we have rats! You're such a dick!

Little Dick in Da House

Dear Roommate aka little brother,

I'm sick of you trying to hang with my friends you're not 20 you're 13. Go jack off or just hang with your little 13 year old friends. Get a life. Plus stop hitting on my girlfriend she doesn't like you and she wishes you will just get one of your own.

P.S. i rubbed my ass on your tooth brush, enjoy

Cowboy Dick

Dear Roommate,

Three questions:
1. Why do I have to walk in on this?
2. What kind of sick fantasy were you acting out?
3. Where did you get those clothes?

Monday, October 1, 2007

Small Island, Big Tolerance

Dear Roommate,

Stop trying to regulate my beer drinking. I'm not a seventeen year old girl. 4 beers is nothing to a 6'1" Hawaiian.

A Forgetful Dick

Dear Roommate,

Take your god damn F #*ing keys with you...

I hope your new roommates are as easy going as I have been with you, especially when you go out
and forget to take your keys and then resort to either ringing my mobile or the door bell for 10 mins at 3 am until I let you in.

P.S No i dont have any change for the bus!

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