When Dicks Box...There Are No Winners

Dear Roommate,

Hey dick, our living room isn't a storage locker.

We live four miles from your mother's house. Go drop your crap off in her garage with the rest of your worthless shit.

Hung Up Over the Little Things

Dear Roommate,

I'm not sure if I should laugh, or hide the sharp objects. How do you know how to tie a real noose?

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! Someone Got Trashed

Dear Roommate,

Listen, we're all totally psyched you nabbed a boy-toy! And we're glad you're finally having sex....but there's no need to PROVE IT to us by leaving your used condoms in the KITCHEN TRASH!!! UR Nasty Girl!

Red Envelope = Dick

Dear Roommate,

Hmmm...remember when I asked you to move my car while I was away...and you said you would.

Thanks, Bitch.

This Music Blows

Dear Roommate,

Your new "trinket" is extremely annoying at night.

Dick Licker

Dear Roommate,

You're also my boyfriend. Stop kissing the dog. I don't want to taste doggie crotch anymore.

(Now you know why I bought the Listerine -- sorry, but it's gross)

Corporate Cowboy

Dear Roommate,

Get this the F*ck out of our home!

You work in finance you f*ckin tool. Lose the "peacemaker"!

A Dick's Guide to Decorating

Dear Roommate,

Please stop using milk crates as shelves. You're nearly 30 and not in college anymore. I would bring home some chicks if I weren't embarrassed by our decor.

Bring Out the Gimp

Dear Roommate,

If you're going to bring six people in the room to get high on ecstasy
and chain a girl to the bed naked for six hours, please don't do it at
7 in the morning on the day of my Calculus midterm, and for your sake try to find a hotter girl.

Sincerely,
A passive-aggresive jerk with a cameraphone

The Laundry, the Dick, and the Wardrobe

Dear Roommate,

I know it's your own room and all, but can you please close the fu%*ing door!! Better yet, try getting a dresser and folding your fu%*ing clothes.

Hope He's Using Rubber Bands...

Dear Roommate,

You keep causing me to have fights with my girlfriend!!! Every time you steal a condom my girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her. I'd rather you steal my wallet at this point and buy yourself your own stash.

BTW, I've seen you naked a ton of times...Your tiny dick swimming in that oversized balloon is gonna get some girl pregnant.

Pencil Dick

Dear Roommate,

Why do you have so many pens, pencils, and markers? Where do you get them from? Do you have a secret job at Office Depot? This is really starting to annoy me!!

A New Kind of Water Torture...

Dear Roommate,

I thought it was cool at first when you decided to get spring water delivered to our apartment every month, but either cut down on the order or fu%ing drink some.

Maxim-um Dick

Dear Roommate,

Why do you still have SEVEN year old Maxim magazines? Since your 27 years old, I'll let you in on a little secret...Maxim hasn't been cool for at least 5 years! Stop being a dick and start reading Playboy like a real man.

Someone Had the Sniffles

Dear Roommate,

I was cool enough to let you use my computer 'cause yours won't go online. But it's not like I don't know what you're doing when a zillion pop ups fill my screen.

My real problem, though, is when you leave your fu#%ing cum tissue on my desk! Hope you enjoyed your shower this morning - I put nair in your shampoo.

FU#%ING DICK!

A Homicidal Dick

Dear Roommate,

Your penchant for taking ambien and leaving me homicidal notes is getting a little scary. I don't like waking up to these every morning. Part of me wants to get you help and the other part of me just wants to get you a book on proper grammer. I'm glad the world now knows my roommate is a DICK...just in case my body shows up in the woods one day.

A Wart-thless Dick!

Dear Roommate,

I had the pleasure of tasting my breakfast for a second time when I saw you used a picture of your foot as my desktop background. It wouldn't have been so bad if you didn't just have wart removal surgery. I'm going to get you back, bitch. GAME ON!!!!