A Dick that Likes to Bitch

Dear Roommate, 

Door, my roommate....my roommate, the door. I'd like the two of you to meet because I think you've misunderstood the door's purpose. When its closed, that means STAY THE F*CK AWAY!!  

It doesn't mean come knocking at 1 in the morning bitching that your boyfriend (who's across the country) has been ignoring you for 2 days. You two live 2,000 miles apart, I hate to break it to you but he's banging other girls. 

The door closed also means to stay out of it when I'm not home. Doesn't mean come in and pull whatever clothes you want out of my closet. You're easily 30 pounds heavier than me, and you're stretching all my stuff out!! 

An International Dick

Dear Roommate (or wombmate since you can't say R's)

Please stop being a thief. Now that you have left with a new bike, jersey, 2x pants, rugby socks, washing basket, iPod, tennis raquet, untold numbers of Mitch's T shirts, nike shoes and possibly a guitar tuner, please stop stealing stuff!

When you pulled a bit off your car and threw it away and then the door didn't stay closed we thought you were just random. When mitch asked for his shirt back after you said you'd give it back, and then you said you lost it, we thought it was funny enough to let it slide. But then you took so much other stuff when you went back to your home country, we have decided you are not a good friend!

September and November payments to the flat bank account were pretty much optional so thats okay that you missed them. And because you don't pay towards the upkeep of the flat you aren't allowed to do any cleaning. Dont you dare do any! You already cleaned the toilet once back in June, that is more than enough, Bucko!

The landlord and a representative from the city council both want money from you as well.

Good luck with being a policeman in your home country.

Dick Trying to Kill the Pussy

Dear Roommate,

When I find the person that thought it was funny to give my cat a fu*kin Xanax, I’m gonna give him an $800 ass whoopin!!! I know it was one of your high friends who would take it up the ass for some weed and pills. I can’t believe I would leave you alone with my cat long enough for me to go to wal-mart let alone to the beach with my family. Did you even feed him while I was gone…anything besides pills, that is?!! If you don’t turn over the person that led to me gettin an $800 vet bill, I’m gonna kick your ass…again, you fu*kin pussy!

PS: You need to pack your shit and get out!
PSS: We’re breaking up!!!
PSS: I cleaned out the litter box goodies and baked you a treat. I hope you enjoyed those oatmeal cookies, you hungry bitch!!!!

A MOLDY DICK

Dear Roommate, 

How do I know you haven't been washing your dishes? How about when mold starts growing inside the glass!!! Your a filthy human being. Tonight, I'm throwing every damn piece of glassware out and replacing it with paper cups and plates. Your clearly just not ready for the BIG responsibility of washing your dishes. 

P.S I'm nauseous now! 

ROCK DICK...ROCKS ON

Dear Roommate, 

As if listening to you "rock out" at 2 in the morning wasn't bad enough, NOW YOU HAVE A FU*KING BAND?!! Are you kidding me with this fu*king shit. 

GET OUTSIDE...ALL YOU YOU!! 

  

A Dealing Dick

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for starting to deal drugs again. I really love tons of strangers and old dudes coming into our house at all hours, especially since you can't hear them pounding on the door and I constantly have to get it. 

Also, thanks for just being a douchebag in general by throwing raw meat in our garbage which makes our whole house smell like ass and NEVER taking it out!!! And thanks for being a sexist dickwad and just f*ck Saadia already, the sexual tension between you two is starting to make me sick. The secret is wait until she has 4 beers, she'll open up for anyone.

p.s. Enjoy your lonely weekend bottle of jack daniels, fat ass!

A Sh*tty Dick

Dear Roommate,

It fu*kin pisses me off when I go home for Thanksgiving break, and I come back to find that you have completely destroyed the couch with some kind of sh*t stain. I'm not worried about the fact that the apartment was clean when I left, but how the hell did that damn cooch smelling stain get all up and down the side of the couch like that.....FU*KING FREAK!!!.....I knew yo girl was dirty, I told you several times, yet you refuse to listen. I'm calling the cleaners and your fu*kin paying for it........

P.S: My Grandma saw the damn couch and started crying because that's the couch my grandpa died on..........she gave us the couch and you defiled it with yo nasty ho-bag.......you inconsiderate fu*k!!!