Thursday, March 1, 2012

DICK ROOMMATE HALL OF FAME: Surprisingly the one with the cock isn't the dick

Dear Roommate,

Hey, thanks for the surprise you left for me when I brought my parents home during graduation weekend. I've never been happier to move out of the apartment.

P.S. you can keep the couch.

P.S.S. and where did you find that scrappy looking white boy???

Wednesday, February 29, 2012



Don't be telling me you're strapped for cash and can't be throwing in on the electric bill --- I know you buy new kicks EVERY weekend. Quit being a bitch. Either start saving some dough or start selling on E-Bay.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012


Dick, Where's My Car?!

Dear Dick Roommate,

I always explain to people that living with you is like living with the king of the world. You can do no wrong and everything and I mean EVERYTHING is all about you.

I remember that I moved in while you were unemployed and piled up a debt of over $2000. Being the 15 year friend that I am, I told you that there was no debt and to buy yourself a car. WHERE IS YOUR CAR DUDE!? This is also AFTER my parents paid for your legal services to keep you from jail time.

Now I'm unemployed and you have use of MY car. Under the 1 and only 1 condition (not even keep the car clean) that you CALL me when your going to be late in case I need the car or to make plans. This is the 5th fucking time you are more than 3 hours late. I needed the car HOURS ago for an EMERGENCY dental appointment (ow, and FUCK). Good thing I have a couple decent friends, one of them got me there. I really hope your OK (and my car also) but if your not, I may beat your ass anyway. I tried calling you on your phone but you left it here.

I think to start with there will be some car restrictions: You will not drive it. I will drive you. $10 ride to work and $20 ride from work. In the rare case that I cannot do this, I feel its reasonable to charge you $100 if your more than 1 hr late without a call. PER TIME. Or get your own fucking car.

On the list of not cool things you have done is get extremely drunk at the bar we were at and when I felt it was time to go. You refused. So I asked my friends to give you a ride home. So after you get home you decide to kick in my door (doors still broken) and when I barricaded it (with my sofa) you decided to turn off every breaker in the house. (IT WAS COLD THAT NIGHT) because I didn't leave when you wanted to.This is only one "for instance" PLEASE DO NOT DRINK ANY MORE (or bug me about my drinking, you have no right)

F*&# you,

LIVID Roommate

PS I don't have a picture of my car because its NOT THERE!

A Dick-Poster

Dear Dick Roomate,

(Thank God you aren't actually a ROOMmate... I'd rather live in the streets than sharing a ROOM with you!)

You hacked into my boyfriend's computer while we were away and when found out, instead of saying "Sorry", you said, "If I didn't guess your password in the first time round, I wouldn't have continued to use it! I was just using your computer to scan and print some pictures!" Hello??? Did anyone say you were allowed to "borrow" his computer and his printer when you wanted it? And you certainly did NOT just use the scanner and printer but were browsing his Facebook messages, using Spotify and your own Facebook. And you're shocked how we found out? If only you had a brain to remember to at least log yourself off Facebook after using others' computers (and we're not asking you to delete the browsing history!!). And you still do all this after you've got it so full of viruses that every single programme decided not to function!

Attached is a beautiful picture of your Highness, NOT (!!!!!) Ha, it makes me want to puke each time I receive a letter from the Chocolate Club addressed to "Lady (your surname)" Seriously, who do you think you are!?

Stop being such an ass and keep your hands off our things!! But you MAY keep the makeup that you've stolen from MY drawer, you lowly thuggish creature. I cannot emphasize how much of a nuisance you are to us and to our neighbours! Maybe I should ring your Mummy and Daddy up so they can re-educate you and hopefully kick some discipline into your fat ass

Monday, February 27, 2012

A De-Caffeinated Dick!

Dear Roommate,

So happy to see you finally bought some coffee for the house this morning, until I dumped out the box and realized all you got was DECAF! Seriously, are you f*#*@ brain dead?! Why not pick up a six pack of non alcoholic beer next time you're at it, dick.


Dear Roommate,

Doesn't matter how much of this shit you chug, nothing is helping that breathe. You eat Doritos all day and rinse once. Here's a tip, IT'S NOT THE SAME AS BRUSHING. Dick!

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