Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Fat Dick on a Little Bike...

Dear Roommate,

I find it awesome how everyone in the fucking house pays for your share of the rent. Never mind that you have a perfectly good (PAID FOR) car but decided that instead of paying rent, a new motorcycle would be better. Oh, and we all realized the shit you were pulling whenever one day we gave you money to pay the $200 overdue cable bill (overdue because your lazy ass never bothered to tell us about the bills that were piling up) and our cable still got shut off but miraculously, your cell phone bill and motorcycle payment got made on the same day. And we couldn't believe you had the balls to ask us for ANOTHER $200 for "the rest of what we owed the cable company". We are sick of your broke ass, and we are sick of you telling stupid "he-said-she-said" lies about all of us to the others behind our backs to pit us against each other for the fun of it. We aren't your goddamned entertainment, so stop making shit up to make us fight. None of us even believes you anymore. We hate your loud-ass bitchy girlfriend that acts like she's better than everyone, and we are sick of you inviting fucking rude high school tramps over, you pedophile pervert. You are 24 years old! That is sick!! Stop walking around the house in your underwear with 4 inches of your fat crack hanging out and GTFO of our house!!!

Your roommates who up to this point, have had saintly patience.

P.S. Included is not a picture of you, but a picture of what you look like on that stupid motorcycle.

A Fair and Balanced Dick

Dear Roommate,

Maybe I should have seen your psycho bitchiness coming, since you lived alone last year. Maybe I should have hightailed it out of here when you were mad at ME after YOU bought an ugly ass painting for the living room. Maybe when your boyfriend kept ringing our bell to summon you and then spending all his time here talking about himself, I should have just taken the loss and left. But no, I've been stuck with you all year long and it's gotten worse and worse as time goes on. I have HAD it!

You have shut lights out on me, shut doors on me, attempted to lock me out of the apartment, and ruined a pan of mine. You are very close-minded about politics and don't understand the basic structure of the American government system. I would rather get a root canal sans anesthesia than try to explain to you something about politics, because it's clear so much Fox News has inundated your brain that there's nothing left in there but pundits and their "fair and balanced" news and basic anatomical structures to keep your body from shutting down.

You apologize and then demand things in the same breath. I've had to hear you and your boyfriend have make-up sex because he was being a condescending asshole again not once, but THREE times! It's too bad you didn't see the fact that even though he bought you a promise ring (or so you told a friend of yours), he was still going to be a complete doucheknuckle. If I have to hear him come over to whine about getting food like he always does, or talk about himself, I will kick you both in the face repeatedly!

You're messy and have the responsibility skills of an infant. I have yet to seen you clean a single dish without leaving food stuck on, and it's nasty. You can't even lock the front door, and you always leave your light on just to piss me off. And you wonder why I said, "No" to having coffee with you last week? Go to hell!

Wishing you a long, miserable, and lonely life,

Your roommate


The Three Dick-Migos

Dear Roommates,

Roommate number 1:
You've been here so long that you pretend that we're friends. You sit around the house all day drinking yourself stupid. I can hear the shit you say about me behind my back because you talk so fucking loud. Sober or not, you're such a fucking loud mouth. You told my fiancee', the owner of the house, that if he married me and my name gets added as an owner of the house that you would move out because you can't stand me having any control over you. What kind of souless monster insults someone's marriage before they get married? You! I am above you because my fiancee' owns this house. If you insult me then you insult him you nimrod. You stumble around this house as if you own it. You don't! You pay rent here so your ass isn't homeless and that's it! Every time there's an argument in this house you say that if your girlfriend was here that she'd kick my ass. I'm tired of hearing about your ex-stripper jailbird girlfriend. She's in jail for a reason. If she ever laid her hands on me I'd knock out her skinny ass and then throw her back in jail for assault. So don't mess with me. Stop borrowing money from my fiancee' and get a fucking job! Your college loan money isn't going to last forever and you're going to have to pay that shit back you idiot. I wish you'd pay what you out and then get the fuck out. Eventually everyone else will agree that it's time for you to go and I won't have to deal with you anymore. I plan to replace you with someone who's more nice, doesn't talk shit, and pays their rent on time like roommate number 3.

Roommate number 2:
You call yourself Playboy because you've cheated on every girl that you've dated. That is nothing to be proud of. You moved in and never paid us a fucking dime! My fiancee' is this close to kicking you out. He hates you and has made that very clear to me. Stop flirting with me because it isn't going to work. I've met players before and your sucking up is just pathetic. I heard you making fun of me for coughing this morning. How immature are you? You and roommate number 1 are laughing now, but not for long. When my fiancee' wakes up he's going to know how stupid you were being when I tell him. Roommate number 2, I should make fun of you. You've eaten almost all of the food that we just bought a week ago. You bought more to replace it and you've eaten that too. You smoke so much pot that it makes me fucking sick. If I owned this house I would have told you to take your pot and pills and get out. I'm tired of your mouth, and I'm not the only one that thinks that. Everytime you open your mouth nothing but lies and excuses pour out. You mumble and no one can understand what the fuck you are saying! You want to make fun of me for having a cold? Lets talk about how sick you are. You do so many fucking drugs that puke everyday. You are just like our last roommate and you'll be just as gone as she is when we boot you out. You say you don't like fighting, yet you keep making people hate you. My fiancee' has been nice enough to go and do temp. jobs with you and you don't pay him his fair share. Yesterday when you told my fiancee' that he's lazy and doesn't do shit on the job he was this fucking close to kicking you out that very second. Oh, speaking of which, I don't give a shit how much of a neat freak your "bootycall/girlfriend' is. I was a professional maid and I know how to clean just fine thank you very much. Your skank isn't here so don't tell me that my house is embarrassingly dirty. You almost got kicked out that last time my guy heard you say that, so you better not say it again. By the way, you owe us more money than what the rent costs. Stop borrowing money and shit that you can't afford. If you move out without paying us for your stay here than you'll be nothing but a bum. You don't move into someone's house promising them rent and then just up and leave at the end of the month. You will be such a disgrace if you do that. I hope we never get another roommate like you ever again.

Roommate number 3:
You have done nothing wrong yet. Thank you. You paid 2 months rent up front when you moved in, you're not messy, and you haven't eaten all our food. I'm sorry that roommate number 2 says that your girlfriend is fatter than me. It's an isult to both me and your girlfriend. You don't talk much and keep to yourself, but that's how I like it. It's not your fault my fiancee' stayed up with you until 4 a.m. playing video games and kept me up so long that I was too tired to go out on mother's day with my fiancee's mom. That was my guy's fault, but we're still working on that issue on "How late is too late?" when we have stuff to do in the morning. But so far you have been great and I hope we can replace roommate #1 and roommate #2 with people that are more like you. Thank you for keeping a steady job and being a role model for these other two idiots.

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