Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Douche Rangler

Dear Roomie,

Clean up your damn douche-city. It's the one by your bed. And stop bitching about not "having any clean coffee mugs." I just found you one. Don't wanna clean? Hire a maid-oh, wait, you'd need a job that actually pays.

Signed, Yours Truly,

The Useful Roommate

The Bouncing Dick

Dear Roommate,

Yet again you have screwed me over. I thought I was done with you finally, but you have somehow managed to come back. With what, you may ask?

Oh come on guess, it's not that hard.

Ok, you dumb fuck, you have succeeded in BOUNCING another check. This is the 5th. 5 out of 8 checks! That's more than half.

More than half.

Are you fucking stupid? Do you think that there's imaginary money in your back account? You sat over there at the other house bitching about cable and internet. I bounced one single check. One in my entire life, and you have the audacity to bitch and moan about it. I am positively sure now the 5 you have bounced here were not your first.

You think its okay to stiff all 5 of us by not paying rent for February, and moving out on the 5th. Let's play the common sense game. Don't worry, I'll spell it out for you:

Yes, I agree with you - for once - that I said that if you pay first month and security I would let you have the 3rd month free. This was okay because you told me and everyone else that you were only staying that long. I knew exactly when I would have to come up with the other 340 dollars. Then you decided to stay. That's where your free month stopped being part of the deal. You said you were staying for the whole time, meaning June, since that's when we signed the lease until. Are you an idiot? You can't just move out without giving notice when you had made further plans to stay until June. No one knew you were moving out until Feb 4th. (DEFINITION OF NOTICE: Not the 4th day into the month you are already late paying for. Simple enough for you?)

OF course you decided to come Feb 5th to move your shit out, and of course I wasn't here to make sure you knew exactly how much you owed me. Not to mention you let that stupid cunt bitch of a whore *Gina into my house. (Yes, Gina, I called you a cunt. I'm not planning on getting back in your good graces, so I don't really care if you still hold that against me two years later. Sometimes, there just isn't a better word.)

Oh, and your room. Your messy, smelly fucking, shitty paint job of a room. Are you a fucking schizo? Two different ugly colors? Why would you paint your room like that? Why would you attempt to paint your room at all? You suck at it. Yes, you smell like shit. Soap and water, it's not a hard concept, so wash your feet. The mess you left was just ridiculous. Your nasty period blood on the sheets, crap all over the floor, the paint job of course, and your smell. Just gross. Actually, it kind of reminded me of your mouth.

While cleaning up the mess that wasn't mine I discovered you were a klepto. Not really surprising after everything else. *Cara's make-up that you told her you didn't have was lying behind the dresser. The spaghetti spoon *Melissa and I bought and have been looking for was lying under the futon with that ugly red paint all over the handle. WHY WOULD YOU STIR PAINT WITH A KITCHEN UTENSIL? Why would you ruin something that wasn't yours? Who taught you to be so incredibly inconsiderate? Seriously. Did you have a nice little giggle when your first grade mindset gave you the idea to hide it under the bed?

Anyway. The moral of this story is you owe me another $350 dollars for the 5th bounced check. In cash. I feel like I have to explain that, since I'm not the retarded one here. By Friday. This Friday. I don't want to see your face, so just leave it under the "LEAVE" mat in front of our door, then do what the mat says.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of owed money, start saving up for your portion of the heat bill. You better believe we're going to have you sign something that guarantees your cheap ass is going to chip in for that.


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