The Three Dick-Migos

Dear Roommates,

Roommate number 1:

You've been here so long that you pretend that we're friends. You sit around the house all day drinking yourself stupid. I can hear the shit you say about me behind my back because you talk so fucking loud. Sober or not, you're such a fucking loud mouth. You told my fiancee', the owner of the house, that if he married me and my name gets added as an owner of the house that you would move out because you can't stand me having any control over you. What kind of souless monster insults someone's marriage before they get married? You! I am above you because my fiancee' owns this house. If you insult me then you insult him you nimrod. You stumble around this house as if you own it. You don't! You pay rent here so your ass isn't homeless and that's it! Every time there's an argument in this house you say that if your girlfriend was here that she'd kick my ass. I'm tired of hearing about your ex-stripper jailbird girlfriend. She's in jail for a reason. If she ever laid her hands on me I'd knock out her skinny ass and then throw her back in jail for assault. So don't mess with me. Stop borrowing money from my fiancee' and get a fucking job! Your college loan money isn't going to last forever and you're going to have to pay that shit back you idiot. I wish you'd pay what you out and then get the fuck out. Eventually everyone else will agree that it's time for you to go and I won't have to deal with you anymore. I plan to replace you with someone who's more nice, doesn't talk shit, and pays their rent on time like roommate number 3.

Roommate number 2:

You call yourself Playboy because you've cheated on every girl that you've dated. That is nothing to be proud of. You moved in and never paid us a fucking dime! My fiancee' is this close to kicking you out. He hates you and has made that very clear to me. Stop flirting with me because it isn't going to work. I've met players before and your sucking up is just pathetic. I heard you making fun of me for coughing this morning. How immature are you? You and roommate number 1 are laughing now, but not for long. When my fiancee' wakes up he's going to know how stupid you were being when I tell him. Roommate number 2, I should make fun of you. You've eaten almost all of the food that we just bought a week ago. You bought more to replace it and you've eaten that too. You smoke so much pot that it makes me fucking sick. If I owned this house I would have told you to take your pot and pills and get out. I'm tired of your mouth, and I'm not the only one that thinks that. Everytime you open your mouth nothing but lies and excuses pour out. You mumble and no one can understand what the fuck you are saying! You want to make fun of me for having a cold? Lets talk about how sick you are. You do so many fucking drugs that puke everyday. You are just like our last roommate and you'll be just as gone as she is when we boot you out. You say you don't like fighting, yet you keep making people hate you. My fiancee' has been nice enough to go and do temp. jobs with you and you don't pay him his fair share. Yesterday when you told my fiancee' that he's lazy and doesn't do shit on the job he was this fucking close to kicking you out that very second. Oh, speaking of which, I don't give a shit how much of a neat freak your "bootycall/girlfriend' is. I was a professional maid and I know how to clean just fine thank you very much. Your skank isn't here so don't tell me that my house is embarrassingly dirty. You almost got kicked out that last time my guy heard you say that, so you better not say it again. By the way, you owe us more money than what the rent costs. Stop borrowing money and shit that you can't afford. If you move out without paying us for your stay here than you'll be nothing but a bum. You don't move into someone's house promising them rent and then just up and leave at the end of the month. You will be such a disgrace if you do that. I hope we never get another roommate like you ever again.

Roommate number 3:

You have done nothing wrong yet. Thank you. You paid 2 months rent up front when you moved in, you're not messy, and you haven't eaten all our food. I'm sorry that roommate number 2 says that your girlfriend is fatter than me. It's an isult to both me and your girlfriend. You don't talk much and keep to yourself, but that's how I like it. It's not your fault my fiancee' stayed up with you until 4 a.m. playing video games and kept me up so long that I was too tired to go out on mother's day with my fiancee's mom. That was my guy's fault, but we're still working on that issue on "How late is too late?" when we have stuff to do in the morning. But so far you have been great and I hope we can replace roommate #1 and roommate #2 with people that are more like you. Thank you for keeping a steady job and being a role model for these other two idiots.