This Roommate Don't Give a Shit

Dear Roommate,

I truly cannot thank you enough for the call I received from “Alex in Kappa Sig” explaining how you were in dire need of assistance, forcing me take a $60 Uber back to campus during the best Mardi Gras parade. 

After placing your ass directly on the toilet per your request, you truly iced the cake by dropping this fat deuce. I never thought you could be this shitty. I was wrong.

Eat more Raisin Bran before you shit where I shower! 

A Psycho-tic Roommate

Dear creepy 50 year-old roommate,

I'm not your mommy. Stop telling me that you like it when I wear skirts and wear my hair a certain way, both like your dead mother did. Lots of women wear skirts and yes, I need a new haircut asap, but I'm not your mommy, you creep. And no, my food is not disgusting because it's not like your dead mother's. You're just a creep.

Get a therapist,


Your moving-out-asap-and-before-you-skin-me-alive-to-wear-my-skin roommate

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! A Possessive Dick

Dear Roommate,

OK, I get it...the red bull and margarita mix is MINE, and the rest is YOURS. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Good, Good, Vibrations

Dear Roommate,

Oh my god! Oh my god! What were you possibly thinking?? Did it really seem alright for you to clean "that" in there. You are a filthy human being. You're buying us all new plates and silverware!! I mean...FILTHY!!

This Bitch is a Dick

Dear Roomate,

Thanks for letting your dog eat my $210 shoes. Bitch.

Smokey the Bear says your roommate is a dick

Dear Roommate,

3:30 am + smoke machine + yelling fire = one dick roommate.

BTW - I blew my interview. Good luck getting my rent.

Dick Diesel

Dear Roommate,

Puh-lease stop flexing everytime you take a photo with our crew. We get it. You go to the gym. We're all really impressed. I'm gonna start photoshopping you out if you don't stop.

DICK ROOMMATE HALL OF FAME: An Untidy Whitey

Dear Roommate,

Get a job. All you do is play videogames in your underwear. I don't care if you are my brother. I'm telling mom.

Your Brother.

A "BOUNTY" OF DICKS

Dear (soon to be) Ex-Roommate,

There's a certain amount of laziness that I can deal with. Dishes in the sink… fine. Forgetting to replace the toilet paper… it happens. Even leaving your moldy food in the fridge… it was pushed all the way in the back. But what I cannot and will not stand for is the complete lack of consideration for others as well as the blatant disregard for what is known as common human decency! Who does this?!!! If I had to choose something to sum up our entire relationship as friends and roommates, it would have to be this photograph. You knew it was wrong yet you continued to tear and tear even though you could have gone back at any moment to remedy the situation. Good luck in your new apartment and your new life. Just know that I won't be there to straighten out your messes any longer.

A "trying to get you assaulted by random foreign guy" Dick

Dear Roommate,

Listing the apartment on Airbnb without my permission, then informing me that a strange man would be coming into the house while you were out of town, was absolutely not cool. I'm in a foreign country, can't speak the language very well, and am female in a society where this is a distinct disadvantage. 

REALLY not cool.

I can't wait to report your ass to the landlord. 

-Anonymous

Thank God He Didn't Leave His Dog

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for watering the plant while I was away on Christmas vacation.

FAKE FARTING DICK

DEAR ROOMMATE - 

NOT SURE WHAT'S MORE EMBARRASSING, THE FACT THAT YOU PRANKED ME WHILE I HAD MY DATE OVER...OR EXPLAINING WHY I LIVED WITH SOMEONE WHO OWNS A FART MACHINE. 

BTW, PERFECT TIMING...IT WENT OFF JUST AS HE WAS ABOUT TO GO DOWN ON ME. THANKS. YOU OWE ME A PRE MED STUDENT

DIVORCED DICKS

Dear Roommates:

The two of you have turned into the utterly lazy drunks since your wedding October 2012. Which is when you also stopped living like roommates and started living like two dirty hamsters in a cage and when approached about the situation you ignored your other roommates requests about cleaning up after yourselves. We got sick of cleaning up after you, and caring for you like children. So this is what has become of your living area in the upstairs portion of the house we share. I hope your happy with your selves. Oh and we recently found out that your sleeping in separate rooms, I guess divorce is in the future? Congrats! 


Sincerely,

Your (soon to be ex) roommates

MY ROOMMATE IS AN A$$ CLOWN

A High Calorie Dick

Dear Roommate,

Our new years resolution was to drop twenty pounds each. Why would you do this to us?

Bedroom Borrowing Dick

Dear Roommate,

Yes I was away for one weekend. And yes, I said your cousin can stay in room. And yes u owe me an explantion as to what the hell happened!

This Dick Ain't Got One

Note to self: Never get a girl roommate again. Ever.

DICK ROOMMATE HALL OF FAME: Surprisingly the one with the cock isn't the dick

Dear Roommate,

Hey, thanks for the surprise you left for me when I brought my parents home during graduation weekend. I've never been happier to move out of the apartment.

P.S. you can keep the couch.

P.S.S. and where did you find that scrappy looking white boy???

A DICK SHOE-MATE

Yo!

Don't be telling me you're strapped for cash and can't be throwing in on the electric bill --- I know you buy new kicks EVERY weekend. Quit being a bitch. Either start saving some dough or start selling on E-Bay.

ROOMMATE REVENGE OF THE WEEK