Call Me When You're Not a Dick

Dear Roommate,

The telephone line running to your room was 40 years old, and bound to snap eventually. That gave you NO excuse to "retaliate" by cutting through the ethernet cable going into my room, which I'm sure you did while you were high. Thank Goodness you're a total moron and didn't realize that that cable went to our OTHER roommate's room, so HE'S the one who hasn't had internet for three weeks. We'll be meeting today to talk about kicking your sorry ass to the street. Eat the curb, Dick!

Small Undies, Big Ass, Huge Dick

Dear Roommate,

Just because the first time we were getting rid of all the crap we didn't need we had a rental truck at the time... does NOT mean we only get rid of crap only when we have a rental truck. YOU HAVE WAY TOO MUCH SHIT SO GET IT OUT OF MY LIVING ROOM, KITCHEN, AND BATHROOM.

You also steal my underwear. It's one thing to steal a girl's underwear, but when you take them out of the dirty clothes hamper in my room... that's what we all call "creepy". It's also weird considering you've got a bigger ass than mine. I got a lock on my door so you're stop going into my room and stealing things (oh and denying it when I ask you if you've seen something, because you know very well I've never accused you of anything before), and then wearing my things, stretching them out because I'm an extra small/small while you're a medium/large...

Stop trying to convince everyone that I'm delusional and making things up because you never want to own up to anything. I have a mood disorder called Bipolar Disorder not a severe psychological disorder call psychosis or schizophrenia... PLUS I'M HEAVILY MEDICATED AND YOU'RE NOT. By the way, you STOLE my $700 pearl earrings, you didn't "borrow" them thinking I wouldn't mind. You also acknowledged that you went through my dirty underwear to make up the story that resulted in you going through my underwear drawer and finding said earrings. Funny, I had told you two or three days before hand how I never wear them because I'm scared of losing them, but they're insured. Hmm... and I don't make sense? Just because you got mad/disagree about the police report I filed against you doesn't make what you did okay. You were wrong, not me.

P.S. Quit making fun of my music because it's not some shitty music I heard on college radio. I'll listen to my Radiohead as fucking loud as I want to. Your emo music is whiny, not Thom Yorke. Whore.

Don't Let a Dick Touch Your Pooh

When I said you could borrow my Pooh doll for an art project, I didn't have this in mind. Dick

Colon-Blow

Dear Roommate, 

This isn't what I had in mind when you told me you were finally "cleaning up" your life! 

Outside of grossing me out, this new years resolution is clogging our toilet. 

YOU WRITE THE LETTER!

Sometimes we get a submission from a roommate who is SO upset, he/she has forgotten to include the letter. When this happens, we invite you to help write it! 

More High Pitched than High!

Dear Roommate, 

Not sure if this makes you a dick or just a straight up retard, but THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING AS NITROUS!! When you said you could "hook it up" and you only needed $10 bucks from me, I shoulda known. Judging by this incident its probably best you screwed this one up, you need all the brain cells you can hold onto. 

CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER DICK ROOMMATE

Dear Former Roommate,

I'd like to clear my conscience with a confessional. When we lived together, it was the late 90's. There was no website like this for us to turn to...otherwise I'm sure that we would have. Unfortunately, digital photography was in it's infancy and we were poor college students with no cameras, so the picture is a recreation.

I remember how you kept house...clean when sex was on the line (sex for you anyway). When it was on the line, it was like a hospital. When it wasn't...well we had some phantom odors on occasion. When it was bad enough, in home or car, you would clean it to get rid of as you'd say "ass smell". Usually the rotting garbage in your car would get your attention on a weekly basis. Sometimes, the apartment wouldn't get your attention as easily.

When I couldn't get you to clean the house, I decided to take matters in my own hands. The recipe from what I recall was the following: 1. Pour 1-2 capfuls of milk between garbage can and liner. 2. wait several days.
In those several days, I watched in amazement as you sterilized all that was violated only days before.

All good things come to an end. You discovered the source of the "ass smell". I don't know if it was confusion or confrontation, but when you asked if I had an idea of what caused that odor, I bit my lip hard enough to bleed in an effort to keep from laughing.

I apologize for my dick ways. I hope in some way, that I've reformed...for the sake of my current roommate - my wife.

Signed
Formerly Dickly but still friends...

Saint Dick

Dear Roommate, 

Remember that day we were all psyched about finally restocking our bar. Yeah that was awesome! 

Sooo...what the f*ck happened between December 24th and December 25th? I was gone one day!

Thanks for the Christmas gift, asshole.

 

A Fat Dick

Dear Roommate, 

Until your fat ass decides to lose some weight, your privilege of riding my scooter has hear-by been REVOKED. Thanks for putting the air pump in the tire and all, but when you've already popped the fuc*ing tire under your 260 pound lard ass, it makes filling it up with air kinda difficult. 

P.S Can making you walk and actually get some exercise be a bad thing?!  

A Dick that Likes to Bitch

Dear Roommate, 

Door, my roommate....my roommate, the door. I'd like the two of you to meet because I think you've misunderstood the door's purpose. When its closed, that means STAY THE F*CK AWAY!!  

It doesn't mean come knocking at 1 in the morning bitching that your boyfriend (who's across the country) has been ignoring you for 2 days. You two live 2,000 miles apart, I hate to break it to you but he's banging other girls. 

The door closed also means to stay out of it when I'm not home. Doesn't mean come in and pull whatever clothes you want out of my closet. You're easily 30 pounds heavier than me, and you're stretching all my stuff out!! 

An International Dick

Dear Roommate (or wombmate since you can't say R's)

Please stop being a thief. Now that you have left with a new bike, jersey, 2x pants, rugby socks, washing basket, iPod, tennis raquet, untold numbers of Mitch's T shirts, nike shoes and possibly a guitar tuner, please stop stealing stuff!

When you pulled a bit off your car and threw it away and then the door didn't stay closed we thought you were just random. When mitch asked for his shirt back after you said you'd give it back, and then you said you lost it, we thought it was funny enough to let it slide. But then you took so much other stuff when you went back to your home country, we have decided you are not a good friend!

September and November payments to the flat bank account were pretty much optional so thats okay that you missed them. And because you don't pay towards the upkeep of the flat you aren't allowed to do any cleaning. Dont you dare do any! You already cleaned the toilet once back in June, that is more than enough, Bucko!

The landlord and a representative from the city council both want money from you as well.

Good luck with being a policeman in your home country.

Dick Trying to Kill the Pussy

Dear Roommate,

When I find the person that thought it was funny to give my cat a fu*kin Xanax, I’m gonna give him an $800 ass whoopin!!! I know it was one of your high friends who would take it up the ass for some weed and pills. I can’t believe I would leave you alone with my cat long enough for me to go to wal-mart let alone to the beach with my family. Did you even feed him while I was gone…anything besides pills, that is?!! If you don’t turn over the person that led to me gettin an $800 vet bill, I’m gonna kick your ass…again, you fu*kin pussy!

PS: You need to pack your shit and get out!
PSS: We’re breaking up!!!
PSS: I cleaned out the litter box goodies and baked you a treat. I hope you enjoyed those oatmeal cookies, you hungry bitch!!!!

A MOLDY DICK

Dear Roommate, 

How do I know you haven't been washing your dishes? How about when mold starts growing inside the glass!!! Your a filthy human being. Tonight, I'm throwing every damn piece of glassware out and replacing it with paper cups and plates. Your clearly just not ready for the BIG responsibility of washing your dishes. 

P.S I'm nauseous now! 

ROCK DICK...ROCKS ON

Dear Roommate, 

As if listening to you "rock out" at 2 in the morning wasn't bad enough, NOW YOU HAVE A FU*KING BAND?!! Are you kidding me with this fu*king shit. 

GET OUTSIDE...ALL YOU YOU!! 

  

A Dealing Dick

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for starting to deal drugs again. I really love tons of strangers and old dudes coming into our house at all hours, especially since you can't hear them pounding on the door and I constantly have to get it. 

Also, thanks for just being a douchebag in general by throwing raw meat in our garbage which makes our whole house smell like ass and NEVER taking it out!!! And thanks for being a sexist dickwad and just f*ck Saadia already, the sexual tension between you two is starting to make me sick. The secret is wait until she has 4 beers, she'll open up for anyone.

p.s. Enjoy your lonely weekend bottle of jack daniels, fat ass!

A Sh*tty Dick

Dear Roommate,

It fu*kin pisses me off when I go home for Thanksgiving break, and I come back to find that you have completely destroyed the couch with some kind of sh*t stain. I'm not worried about the fact that the apartment was clean when I left, but how the hell did that damn cooch smelling stain get all up and down the side of the couch like that.....FU*KING FREAK!!!.....I knew yo girl was dirty, I told you several times, yet you refuse to listen. I'm calling the cleaners and your fu*kin paying for it........

P.S: My Grandma saw the damn couch and started crying because that's the couch my grandpa died on..........she gave us the couch and you defiled it with yo nasty ho-bag.......you inconsiderate fu*k!!!

An Enterprise-ing Dick

Dear Roommate, 

What the f*ck?!!! I can no longer try and explain why there are Star Trek photos ALL OVER OUR HOUSE!

That show's been off the air for like 10 years, let it go! I don't even know who the hell this bitch is.  Keep your photos in the bedroom, and out of our den! 

P.S  I found your Spock ears in my room and flushed em' down the shitter!! Good luck at the convention. 

My Roomate is a Dyck

Dear Roommate, 

You wanna know why I do sh*t like throw your things into a huge pile at the bottom of the stairs? It's because you're a disgusting pig and I happened to be having people over. I know you think you're clever and maybe getting "revenge" by going into my room and writing all over my dry-erase board, but all I do is laugh at your ass cause you clearly have no clue HOW TO SPELL!!

GET A LIFE! 

Par for a Dick

Dear Roommate, 

It's December...we live in Massachusetts...why the hell are you golf clubs still sitting in our hallway?! If I'm still looking at these over Christmas I'm cracking your $400 dollar "Cleveland" driver on top of your head!!

Why doesn't this bother you? 

Dick of the Sea

Dear Roommate, 

Please don't leave your smelly tuna fish out for more than one day. You got it the sink, that's step one. Step two is washing it!! 

We live in a house full of girls, you've succeeded in making it smell like a yeast infection in here. 

THANKS DICK!! 

A Roommate's Boiling Point

Dear Roommate,

It's November in Wisconsin, not nuclear winter in Siberia. There's no reason to turn the thermostat up to 90 degrees unless you're dying in your bedroom or something. And if you are, go to the fucking hospital and pay your own damn bill!

Sincerely,
The Person Who Puts on Socks and Sweaters When She Gets Cold, You Stupid, Lazy Dick.

THIS BLOGGER IS A DICK

SORRY GUYS...BEEN AWAY ON VACATION


BACK TO THE REAL DICKS....

Revenge of the Roommate II

Payback is a Bitch

Dear Roommate,

Having that first girlfriend is a rememberable event in one's life. Especially if that first girlfriend let's you f*ck her on the first date. I'm happy for you. Truly. But f*cking her like clockwork at 6:45 AM every f*cking day, including Saturdays and Sundays for the past 3 f*cking weeks when I'm in the f*cking room is a bit f*cking ridiculous. Could you at least wait until I take a shower? Or put a gag over her f$cking mouth so I don't wake up. Hopefully you've been inspecting those condoms a little closer lately! I'm guessing you'll start to cut down once she starts "showing." HAHA...suck it bitch!

Spray On Dick

Dear Roommate,

Just wanted to say THANKS! I really enjoyed coming back into town to find cigarette butts in my room, things in my bathroom broken, half of my food eaten, and let’s not forget the new Spraypaint theme on our walls. Cool man…cool.

And the Award for Angriest Roommate goes to...

My room mate is an psuedo accountant bitch who thinks she is Jesus (Their supplied title)

Dear Roommate,

Thank you again for deciding that we won't pay rent month to month. Thanks for making the choice that instead of paying monthly you will pay the first 2 months ahead of time and just fucking let me pay two entire months rent by myself. Because lets face it, a 21 year old male loves to fucking stare at money in his account he can't touch because you're too fucking stupid to budget it yourself.

I really appreciate that. Hey also, you know how you and your boyfriend are long distance for the last year and you think that makes you fucking Zeus? Well fuck off, your long distance because no one can fucking stand you more then 2 days. How do I know? Ever notice how when he comes down he fucking stops talking to you Sunday afternoon and comesto kick it with me? Its not my Xbox 360 you bitch, its just that hehates you.

Remember those little fucking flower lights you put over MY entertainment stand that houses MY HDTV, MY Xbox 360, MY media PC, MY wii, MY stereo? Ya well get this: There only fucking lights if your dumb ass plugs them in, if you don't.. guess what! THERE JUST FUCKING GAY. You think I drink too much beer? You try living with you, seewhat the fuck you drink. I use to fucking drink once a week, now I drink 3 times a god damn day to prevent myself from throwing your goddamn dog out the window.

Oh that reminds me, ever heard of dogtraining? I know you fucking never did it, the god damn dog breed house breaks it self. Don't fucking believe me? Check Wikipedia you cunt. You think its cute how it won't bark, it just whines really loud. I think its the fucking worst noise ever created, next to your stupid arrogant bitch voice. You know that doggy door you made ME install because you fucking couldn't understand weather stripping and silicon seal? Guess what, it fucking blows. It just makes it about 400 times easier to fucking rob us. Now, not only does our slidingglass door lock NOT FUCKING WORK, there is a god damn 14 inch by 8inch HOLE they can fucking reach in through. That little plastic cover does SHIT to stop it. I FUCKING SHOWED YOU. So your idea was to use a wood shelf to wedge the god damn door close was it? Good idea, EXCEPT for the fucking HOLE in the DOOR because of YOUR DOG.

Remember that one time you sent me the wrong text bitching about how I always short you for money? Maybe I should start splitting the rent so that you actually pay more then half. You do fucking live in the master room. Why did you need to live there again?? You have more clothes? I've only ever see you wear the same fucking 8 shirts and 5 pants. What the FUCK is the rest for?! And by the way, giving you 80$ for a bill that's 81.23$ isn't shorting you.It would be shorting you if you fucking accepted visa and I could charge that much. But you don't, you want cash. Who the fuck carries 1.23$ in there pocket?! NO ONE. Take the fucking 80$ and let me buy you a god damn double cheese burger in exchange. Jesus fuck. You cheap cunt.

Last thing, you know those two stupid ass water jugs you ALWAYS keep in the fridge? THERE NOT YOURS. We fill them back up with the water from the fountain. THE WATER WE PAY FOR. So you have two jugs, ONE OF THEM SHOULD BE MINE. So if I fucking want to drink OUT OF IT because refilling the TINY ass cups you keep is a HUGE fucking annoyance, then you can go to hell.

Sincerely,
The guy who drinks "All the time" and always "shorts you on bills", Fucking Mad as Hell at the Bitch in OV.

P.S. I fucking moved in with a girl because they were suppose to be cleaner and calmer. What the fuck happened to you? And if you callme a woman infront of anyone ever again, I will fucking kill that bitchy ass dog of yours.

A Hustling Dick

Dear Roommate,

Stop sleeping on the fucking couch in your underwear. I've already asked you to SLEEP IN YOUR FUCKING BED. It wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't of told me that you quit your full time job to have sex for money. The fact that you think I believe women pay YOU for sex is insulting. Please, I know you suck dick; you also left your email open on my computer. It was really nice reading about all the men who want to jizz all over you, and then finding you 'napping' in my bed. Also, clean up the fucking bathroom, when you piss on the seat wipe it off and stop leaving your cum scraper on the counter. Seriously. Oh yeah and one more thing, stop using my fucking phone to arrange your 'work'.

This Dick's Got Tits

Dear Roommate,

1. A shower every other day, normal. not once a week.2. Why do you brush your teeth while in the shower???(for the warmwater... cuz it comes outta the faucet)3. You left your dishes on the side of the sink for a week and a half.My family came that weekend, and yours but still it took you untilsunday (dirty since LAST thursday)
* This is getting to the good part *Yes, I do it too. When I am fixing my hair, i may drop some hair onthe ground. You see the difference is that ... I PICK UP AFTER MYSELF.Dont even try to say its my hair. I have short wavy black hair, youhave long, straight brown hair, no difference. And i know it is hardfor you do, but you lied and said you like to clean. I have not seenit yet. and your over 18, and are FULLY capable of washing your ownclothes. stop taking them home to your parents.
Did your parents ever teach you that when you go out into public, youshould cover your boobs so you dont look like a hoe? Oh .. Wellwonderful rommie of mine I am here to tell you to cover your tits(which are too big and nasty for all our good). i have 2 of my own tolook at. Fat + leggings + low-cut tops = me holding back from throwingand callin you a skanky wanna be hoe.
P.s.~~I'm buying you a broom for christmas.
P.P.s ~~ I disinfect the room as much as I can, I dont like dirty people... YOU
Look at the 2d picture. Our room looks like there is a shedding dogliving in there. Oh, its you.

DICK ROOMMATES IN THE NEWS!!!

A Brisbane darts club manager was bashed to death after throwing a bonsai plant at his flatmate, a court has heard. Beenleigh Darts Association head Philip James McMillan, 51, died of a heart attack on the floor of his Woodridge unit on March 22 last year. Doctors concluded his death was likely triggered by a violent row with troubled youngster Darren William Dwyer, a part-time barman at the club who also shared Mr McMillan's home. Dwyer, 23, was jailed today for 10 years after he admitted to punching and kicking his former boss several times in the head in response to having an imitation bonsai plant and a bottle of scotch thrown at him.
Despite knocking him unconscious with severe head and facial injuries, Dwyer waited more than an hour to call an ambulance. "It wasn't as though he punched the person and left," Crown prosecutor David Meredith said over the callous nature of the attack. "He stayed even when he knew they were incapacitated. It was a conscious decision (not to call for help)."
The court heard Dwyer had returned home late from a drinking session with a friend and had begun playing music that reminded him of his former girlfriend when Mr McMillan, who was also heavily intoxicated, told him to "move on". He also criticised him about being too drunk to go to work. The pair argued and when the friend left, Dwyer claims Mr McMillan became aggressive.
As well as Mr McMillan's manslaughter, Dwyer also pleaded guilty today to assaulting an threateneing a woman with a knife, hitting a neighbour in his car while doing burn-outs and driving while disqualified.
He must serve at least 80 per cent of his 10-year jail term and will be declared a serious violent offender.

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! The Projecting Dick

Dear Roommate,

 

You know, most freshmen would leave their war vet roommate alone but not you. I like how you decided to drink a bottle of mouthwash and proceed down to the dorm front desk to projectile vomit all over the place. I guess since I ignored your constant requests for alcohol, in only makes sense you told the EMTs and campus security that I gave you beer and thats what made you sick. I really appreciated getting hauled down to the campus police station in the middle of the night and sitting in a room for three hours until they contacted the hospital and learned just how insanely stupid you are. Special Dick points for campus security making me walk through a cold rainstorm and in shorts to get back to my room. Oh son, I can't wait for you to get out of the hospital...I'm gonna beat the stupid out of you!!  

Where's Wal-Dick?

Dear Roommate,

This is why I don't want to live with you anymore. If this picture isn't self-explanatory, then you're a hopeless dick.

P.S.
Can you find the cat in this picture?

Recipe for Disaster

Dear Roommate,

You added with booze and a dash of coke. Mix that with some late night mail sorting. Stir it all together and you have, SHREDDING OUR ELECTRIC BILL and MY CREDIT CARD BILL

Stop doing drugs and cleaning the house!

That's One Hard Dick

Dear Roommate,

So I had a horrible nights sleep last night. My heart was racing, I had hot flashes...and I was mysteriously kept awake by a raging erection. Remind me to never split an "adderol" with you EVER again. I know we were trashed on Saturday night, but how the fu*k could you get those two mixed up?! If I find out you did it on purpose you're dead!! Why do you even have those anyways?!

P.S I rubbed it out like four times last night - didn't go down. 

A Roommate Lint-ching

Dear Roommate, 

It took me a while to figure out why our dryer wasn't working so well.  It just never dawned on me that my roommate was too fu*king retarded to know that a lint screen needs to be cleaned between loads. How about driving home and letting your mom do it for you. She's been paying your rent the last 3 months anyways, whats one more favor you worthless dick!   

When Roommates Attack...

Dicks Beware!! This was in the news today...

A roommate fight over a power bill ended with one roommate, a female University student, being arrested by ACC Police and charged with battery.

Elyse McGregor told police she was arguing with her roommate about a power bill and became very angry, yelling and slamming doors. The roommate told police their other roommate stepped between them and McGregor attacked by punching, then clawing at her face.

Management told police they will seek to evict McGregor because she also has a boyfriend living with her who is not on the lease.