THIS WEEK'S "YOU WRITE THE LETTER" WINNER!!

Dear Roommate,

I thought finding this in the shower this morning was funny until I saw the hole you cut. I'll be at the Motel 6 until our lease is up. You can keep my shower supplies.

Trashy Dick

Dear Roommate,

Trash Can, Roommate... Roommate, Trash Can. I'm glad you two have finally met. Now, share your shit with it and take it out every once it a while, make it feel special.

Oh, your smoking in the apartment is awesome, btw-- Keep it up. You smoke two packs a day (I thought that only happened in the movies) and the ash tray is always full, no matter how often I (ME! MYSELF! I!) take it out... really adds to the look we're going for in the living room.

Actually, right now, as I type this, I smell smoke. And you're not smoking. It's like the gift that keeps on giving.

Thanks.

Dick.

Revenge of the Roommate

A Balding Dick

Dear Roommate, 

If I have to pick one more of your huge hair-balls out of the drain in the shower, I am going to shave your head while you sleep. I understand that your hair is thick and falling out, but that doesn't render you incapable of removing your hair on your own when you finish showering. I am on my way to the store right now to buy the   hair clippers...hope you don't screw up after one of the three showers you take daily. 

                                           - Your New Hair Stylist 

A Girlfriend Blitz

Dear Roommate, 

Sundays are made for one thing, and that's doing jack shit but lying on the couch and watching football. I LIVE for this day every week...AND YOU ARE FUC*ING IT UP!!! Stop inviting your girlfriend to sit and watch the games with us. I have to blast the volume of the announcers just so I don't have to listen to her innane questions every 2 minutes. YES, it hurts when the players get tackled and NO, they aren't gossiping about each other in the huddles. Just kill me! 

No Use Crying Over a Dick Roommate

Dear Roommate, 

It's pretty simple really...MILK SPOILS!!! Whether its in the fridge or not, putting the cap back on is kinda necessary to keeping it fresh. I wouldn't bitch if you didn't do this EVERY TIME. What the hell is wrong with you? 

Roommate Rule #154: Stealing Beer Gets You Stabbed

Dick's Beware!! This was in the news today...

A Kenner man has been booked with attempted murder after he stabbed his roommate in an argument over a beer, Kenner police said.

Lazaro Castro, 25, accused Luis Salvador, 26, of drinking one of his beers, according to Detective Shaun Watson, a Kenner Police Department spokesman. The verbal argument escalated into a physical altercation when Castro hit Salvador in the face with his fist and at least once in the head with a 5-gallon plastic bucket, Watson said in a news release. Salvador armed himself with a kitchen knife after occupants in the apartment intervened and separated the two, the release said.

Salvador ran from the apartment to summon police, but because he spoke very little English, 911 dispatchers had a hard time determining the nature of his complaint, the release said. Salvador returned to the apartment where he was attacked from behind by Castro, which caused him to drop the kitchen knife. Castro retrieved the kitchen knife and began cutting and stabbing Salvador numerous times, the statement said. Salvador managed to escape the attack and flag down an officer in the street. He sustained severe lacerations to the head, face, arms, and legs and was transported to East Jefferson General Hospital in stable condition, the news release said.

G.I. Dick

Dear Roommate,

Buy some civilian bed sheets, brush your teeth, take a shower after PT, stop sleeping in your army issued sleeping bad, stop watching so much porno and jerking off while I am trying to sleep, I can see your silhouette on the ceiling beating off. Stop spending 600 dollars on lap dances, buy a damn car, stop leaving your shit in my car, we ain't that cool. Stop watching wrestling, stop leaving your hairs in the sink when you shave, flush the toilet when you piss, get a man's voice and stop squeaking when you talk, and just f*ck you...get out and go live in CQ.

PS: The Army offers free dental service.

A Litter-al Dick

Dear Roommate,

Since its become clear you're a little confused, allow me to explain. Just because it's a self-cleaning litter box doesn't mean it's going to sprout legs and dump itself into the trash can. Next time you let this smell up the apartment, I'm dumping it in your pillow.

Out of Tune Dick

Dear Roommate.

I didn’t mind it at first when you brought over hot guys that I could ogle at but once I realized they were part of your shitty band, all bets were off.
When I get home from work you guys are banging away on half a drum kit and out-of-tune instruments, which only adds to the unbearable noise you guys think is music. You and your cronies haven’t done jack all day but smoke pot and eat what food I do keep around. You’re 35–years-old and a loser…get a job and break up the band or I am burning your instruments.
Oh…and you’re a dick

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! NO FLY ZONE

Dear Roommate,

When I tell you that YOUR dirty dishes are attracting flies, that's not me telling you to put up fly paper strips. It's me telling you to f$%cking wash the dishes!

This Just In...Your Roommate is a Dick

Dear Roommate,

RECYCLE!!!!

I'm sick of cleaning up your "trash corner".

A Chronic Liar

Dear roommate,

Stop telling me you are on your last bag of weed. I know and you know that you will never quit smoking. It's ok. It's part of your charm. You're a pothead. What isn't charming is hearing you constantly tell me that you've discovered the secret to quitting weed - a secret you will implement in your own life as soon as this last bag runs out...

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Dicks

Dear Roommate,

I honestly can't live in silence anymore.

Somebody has to tell you that these portraits you paint of your girlfriend SUCK!!! It wouldn't bother me so much if you didn't insist on decorating our apartment with them.

Face it, you're getting a C- in art appreciation for a reason.

Baby Dick

Dear Roommate,

I told you not to mess with my Halo game while I was at class. You think you're so funny deleting my profile.

Hey, you wanna know what's really funny? Posting your dorky baby pictures! Suck it Biatch!

Don't mess with Master Chief.

THIS WEEK'S "YOU WRITE THE LETTER" WINNER!!

Dear Roommate,

I get shivers down my back everytime I hear you singing, "Shave and a Haircut -- Tooth Pubes!"

Please take the time to remove my toothbrush from your barber shop quartet.

Iron this Dick Out

Dear Roommate,

Ok, seriously bro, I think it's about time we talk about getting a REAL kitchen table.

This Dick "Belongs" on the Street

Dear Roommate,

Pots, pans, jars of spices, and sacks of flour belong in the kitchen, not the TV room. Ice cube trays belong in the freezer, not your bathroom floor. Tampons and over-the-counter yeast infection medication belong in your bathroom, not the coffee table. The back door screen belongs on the back door, not inexplicably torn out and propped up against the wall. And if you're going to be pissy about how you've had such a hard week and have to work 15-hour days and that I shouldn't start with you, please bear in mind that five hours before they have to get up on Monday morning, working adults belong in BED and not sucking down handles of Jim Beam in front of a week's worth of Tivoed shit.

When Dicks Box...There Are No Winners

Dear Roommate,

Hey dick, our living room isn't a storage locker.

We live four miles from your mother's house. Go drop your crap off in her garage with the rest of your worthless shit.

Hung Up Over the Little Things

Dear Roommate,

I'm not sure if I should laugh, or hide the sharp objects. How do you know how to tie a real noose?

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! Someone Got Trashed

Dear Roommate,

Listen, we're all totally psyched you nabbed a boy-toy! And we're glad you're finally having sex....but there's no need to PROVE IT to us by leaving your used condoms in the KITCHEN TRASH!!! UR Nasty Girl!

Red Envelope = Dick

Dear Roommate,

Hmmm...remember when I asked you to move my car while I was away...and you said you would.

Thanks, Bitch.

This Music Blows

Dear Roommate,

Your new "trinket" is extremely annoying at night.

Dick Licker

Dear Roommate,

You're also my boyfriend. Stop kissing the dog. I don't want to taste doggie crotch anymore.

(Now you know why I bought the Listerine -- sorry, but it's gross)

Corporate Cowboy

Dear Roommate,

Get this the F*ck out of our home!

You work in finance you f*ckin tool. Lose the "peacemaker"!

A Dick's Guide to Decorating

Dear Roommate,

Please stop using milk crates as shelves. You're nearly 30 and not in college anymore. I would bring home some chicks if I weren't embarrassed by our decor.

Bring Out the Gimp

Dear Roommate,

If you're going to bring six people in the room to get high on ecstasy
and chain a girl to the bed naked for six hours, please don't do it at
7 in the morning on the day of my Calculus midterm, and for your sake try to find a hotter girl.

Sincerely,
A passive-aggresive jerk with a cameraphone

The Laundry, the Dick, and the Wardrobe

Dear Roommate,

I know it's your own room and all, but can you please close the fu%*ing door!! Better yet, try getting a dresser and folding your fu%*ing clothes.

Hope He's Using Rubber Bands...

Dear Roommate,

You keep causing me to have fights with my girlfriend!!! Every time you steal a condom my girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her. I'd rather you steal my wallet at this point and buy yourself your own stash.

BTW, I've seen you naked a ton of times...Your tiny dick swimming in that oversized balloon is gonna get some girl pregnant.

Pencil Dick

Dear Roommate,

Why do you have so many pens, pencils, and markers? Where do you get them from? Do you have a secret job at Office Depot? This is really starting to annoy me!!

A New Kind of Water Torture...

Dear Roommate,

I thought it was cool at first when you decided to get spring water delivered to our apartment every month, but either cut down on the order or fu%ing drink some.

Maxim-um Dick

Dear Roommate,

Why do you still have SEVEN year old Maxim magazines? Since your 27 years old, I'll let you in on a little secret...Maxim hasn't been cool for at least 5 years! Stop being a dick and start reading Playboy like a real man.

Someone Had the Sniffles

Dear Roommate,

I was cool enough to let you use my computer 'cause yours won't go online. But it's not like I don't know what you're doing when a zillion pop ups fill my screen.

My real problem, though, is when you leave your fu#%ing cum tissue on my desk! Hope you enjoyed your shower this morning - I put nair in your shampoo.

FU#%ING DICK!

A Homicidal Dick

Dear Roommate,

Your penchant for taking ambien and leaving me homicidal notes is getting a little scary. I don't like waking up to these every morning. Part of me wants to get you help and the other part of me just wants to get you a book on proper grammer. I'm glad the world now knows my roommate is a DICK...just in case my body shows up in the woods one day.

A Wart-thless Dick!

Dear Roommate,

I had the pleasure of tasting my breakfast for a second time when I saw you used a picture of your foot as my desktop background. It wouldn't have been so bad if you didn't just have wart removal surgery. I'm going to get you back, bitch. GAME ON!!!!