Spray On Dick

Dear Roommate,

Just wanted to say THANKS! I really enjoyed coming back into town to find cigarette butts in my room, things in my bathroom broken, half of my food eaten, and let’s not forget the new Spraypaint theme on our walls. Cool man…cool.

And the Award for Angriest Roommate goes to...

My room mate is an psuedo accountant bitch who thinks she is Jesus (Their supplied title)

Dear Roommate,

Thank you again for deciding that we won't pay rent month to month. Thanks for making the choice that instead of paying monthly you will pay the first 2 months ahead of time and just fucking let me pay two entire months rent by myself. Because lets face it, a 21 year old male loves to fucking stare at money in his account he can't touch because you're too fucking stupid to budget it yourself.

I really appreciate that. Hey also, you know how you and your boyfriend are long distance for the last year and you think that makes you fucking Zeus? Well fuck off, your long distance because no one can fucking stand you more then 2 days. How do I know? Ever notice how when he comes down he fucking stops talking to you Sunday afternoon and comesto kick it with me? Its not my Xbox 360 you bitch, its just that hehates you.

Remember those little fucking flower lights you put over MY entertainment stand that houses MY HDTV, MY Xbox 360, MY media PC, MY wii, MY stereo? Ya well get this: There only fucking lights if your dumb ass plugs them in, if you don't.. guess what! THERE JUST FUCKING GAY. You think I drink too much beer? You try living with you, seewhat the fuck you drink. I use to fucking drink once a week, now I drink 3 times a god damn day to prevent myself from throwing your goddamn dog out the window.

Oh that reminds me, ever heard of dogtraining? I know you fucking never did it, the god damn dog breed house breaks it self. Don't fucking believe me? Check Wikipedia you cunt. You think its cute how it won't bark, it just whines really loud. I think its the fucking worst noise ever created, next to your stupid arrogant bitch voice. You know that doggy door you made ME install because you fucking couldn't understand weather stripping and silicon seal? Guess what, it fucking blows. It just makes it about 400 times easier to fucking rob us. Now, not only does our slidingglass door lock NOT FUCKING WORK, there is a god damn 14 inch by 8inch HOLE they can fucking reach in through. That little plastic cover does SHIT to stop it. I FUCKING SHOWED YOU. So your idea was to use a wood shelf to wedge the god damn door close was it? Good idea, EXCEPT for the fucking HOLE in the DOOR because of YOUR DOG.

Remember that one time you sent me the wrong text bitching about how I always short you for money? Maybe I should start splitting the rent so that you actually pay more then half. You do fucking live in the master room. Why did you need to live there again?? You have more clothes? I've only ever see you wear the same fucking 8 shirts and 5 pants. What the FUCK is the rest for?! And by the way, giving you 80$ for a bill that's 81.23$ isn't shorting you.It would be shorting you if you fucking accepted visa and I could charge that much. But you don't, you want cash. Who the fuck carries 1.23$ in there pocket?! NO ONE. Take the fucking 80$ and let me buy you a god damn double cheese burger in exchange. Jesus fuck. You cheap cunt.

Last thing, you know those two stupid ass water jugs you ALWAYS keep in the fridge? THERE NOT YOURS. We fill them back up with the water from the fountain. THE WATER WE PAY FOR. So you have two jugs, ONE OF THEM SHOULD BE MINE. So if I fucking want to drink OUT OF IT because refilling the TINY ass cups you keep is a HUGE fucking annoyance, then you can go to hell.

Sincerely,
The guy who drinks "All the time" and always "shorts you on bills", Fucking Mad as Hell at the Bitch in OV.

P.S. I fucking moved in with a girl because they were suppose to be cleaner and calmer. What the fuck happened to you? And if you callme a woman infront of anyone ever again, I will fucking kill that bitchy ass dog of yours.

A Hustling Dick

Dear Roommate,

Stop sleeping on the fucking couch in your underwear. I've already asked you to SLEEP IN YOUR FUCKING BED. It wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't of told me that you quit your full time job to have sex for money. The fact that you think I believe women pay YOU for sex is insulting. Please, I know you suck dick; you also left your email open on my computer. It was really nice reading about all the men who want to jizz all over you, and then finding you 'napping' in my bed. Also, clean up the fucking bathroom, when you piss on the seat wipe it off and stop leaving your cum scraper on the counter. Seriously. Oh yeah and one more thing, stop using my fucking phone to arrange your 'work'.

This Dick's Got Tits

Dear Roommate,

1. A shower every other day, normal. not once a week.2. Why do you brush your teeth while in the shower???(for the warmwater... cuz it comes outta the faucet)3. You left your dishes on the side of the sink for a week and a half.My family came that weekend, and yours but still it took you untilsunday (dirty since LAST thursday)
* This is getting to the good part *Yes, I do it too. When I am fixing my hair, i may drop some hair onthe ground. You see the difference is that ... I PICK UP AFTER MYSELF.Dont even try to say its my hair. I have short wavy black hair, youhave long, straight brown hair, no difference. And i know it is hardfor you do, but you lied and said you like to clean. I have not seenit yet. and your over 18, and are FULLY capable of washing your ownclothes. stop taking them home to your parents.
Did your parents ever teach you that when you go out into public, youshould cover your boobs so you dont look like a hoe? Oh .. Wellwonderful rommie of mine I am here to tell you to cover your tits(which are too big and nasty for all our good). i have 2 of my own tolook at. Fat + leggings + low-cut tops = me holding back from throwingand callin you a skanky wanna be hoe.
P.s.~~I'm buying you a broom for christmas.
P.P.s ~~ I disinfect the room as much as I can, I dont like dirty people... YOU
Look at the 2d picture. Our room looks like there is a shedding dogliving in there. Oh, its you.

DICK ROOMMATES IN THE NEWS!!!

A Brisbane darts club manager was bashed to death after throwing a bonsai plant at his flatmate, a court has heard. Beenleigh Darts Association head Philip James McMillan, 51, died of a heart attack on the floor of his Woodridge unit on March 22 last year. Doctors concluded his death was likely triggered by a violent row with troubled youngster Darren William Dwyer, a part-time barman at the club who also shared Mr McMillan's home. Dwyer, 23, was jailed today for 10 years after he admitted to punching and kicking his former boss several times in the head in response to having an imitation bonsai plant and a bottle of scotch thrown at him.
Despite knocking him unconscious with severe head and facial injuries, Dwyer waited more than an hour to call an ambulance. "It wasn't as though he punched the person and left," Crown prosecutor David Meredith said over the callous nature of the attack. "He stayed even when he knew they were incapacitated. It was a conscious decision (not to call for help)."
The court heard Dwyer had returned home late from a drinking session with a friend and had begun playing music that reminded him of his former girlfriend when Mr McMillan, who was also heavily intoxicated, told him to "move on". He also criticised him about being too drunk to go to work. The pair argued and when the friend left, Dwyer claims Mr McMillan became aggressive.
As well as Mr McMillan's manslaughter, Dwyer also pleaded guilty today to assaulting an threateneing a woman with a knife, hitting a neighbour in his car while doing burn-outs and driving while disqualified.
He must serve at least 80 per cent of his 10-year jail term and will be declared a serious violent offender.

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! The Projecting Dick

Dear Roommate,

 

You know, most freshmen would leave their war vet roommate alone but not you. I like how you decided to drink a bottle of mouthwash and proceed down to the dorm front desk to projectile vomit all over the place. I guess since I ignored your constant requests for alcohol, in only makes sense you told the EMTs and campus security that I gave you beer and thats what made you sick. I really appreciated getting hauled down to the campus police station in the middle of the night and sitting in a room for three hours until they contacted the hospital and learned just how insanely stupid you are. Special Dick points for campus security making me walk through a cold rainstorm and in shorts to get back to my room. Oh son, I can't wait for you to get out of the hospital...I'm gonna beat the stupid out of you!!  

Where's Wal-Dick?

Dear Roommate,

This is why I don't want to live with you anymore. If this picture isn't self-explanatory, then you're a hopeless dick.

P.S.
Can you find the cat in this picture?

Recipe for Disaster

Dear Roommate,

You added with booze and a dash of coke. Mix that with some late night mail sorting. Stir it all together and you have, SHREDDING OUR ELECTRIC BILL and MY CREDIT CARD BILL

Stop doing drugs and cleaning the house!

That's One Hard Dick

Dear Roommate,

So I had a horrible nights sleep last night. My heart was racing, I had hot flashes...and I was mysteriously kept awake by a raging erection. Remind me to never split an "adderol" with you EVER again. I know we were trashed on Saturday night, but how the fu*k could you get those two mixed up?! If I find out you did it on purpose you're dead!! Why do you even have those anyways?!

P.S I rubbed it out like four times last night - didn't go down. 

A Roommate Lint-ching

Dear Roommate, 

It took me a while to figure out why our dryer wasn't working so well.  It just never dawned on me that my roommate was too fu*king retarded to know that a lint screen needs to be cleaned between loads. How about driving home and letting your mom do it for you. She's been paying your rent the last 3 months anyways, whats one more favor you worthless dick!   

When Roommates Attack...

Dicks Beware!! This was in the news today...

A roommate fight over a power bill ended with one roommate, a female University student, being arrested by ACC Police and charged with battery.

Elyse McGregor told police she was arguing with her roommate about a power bill and became very angry, yelling and slamming doors. The roommate told police their other roommate stepped between them and McGregor attacked by punching, then clawing at her face.

Management told police they will seek to evict McGregor because she also has a boyfriend living with her who is not on the lease.

BUNK BEDS BITE

Dear Roommate,

Sharing a dorm room with you sucks! We have bunk beds! Stop having boys over and not telling me. I would rather sleep on the futon than listen to you screwing 5 feet above me. Also, please stop barging in at night drunk and pulling the covers off of me and my boyfriend. It’s not funny.

Sincerely,
              I’d rather live in hell.

Patriots Tight End

Dear Roommate,

Yes we were all excited about the Patriots beating the Colts last Sunday, yet I didn't feel the need to get completely hammered and rip my clothes off in celebration. While I'm used to your retardedly drunken antics, my co-workers were definitely not. Maybe me posting this picture for the world to see will finally make you realize what a DICK you really are. It just might be time to stop boozing! 

A Very Shagadelic Dick

Dear Roommate,

Yes, you might make a lot of money selling your weed, but after one of your 'buddies' got arrested for sexual assault i think its time to stop bringing over people that make me feel like I'm in the ghetto. Your plea's that your going to stop having sex with every guy that looks your way is starting to sound like a broken record and frankly, I'm tired of sleeping on the couch. But go ahead, hang your hippie bead from the doorways and buy those shagadelic rugs to put on the walls, because YOU, my stoner sexahaulic hippie roommate, are a DICK!!!!!

An Un-Environmental Dick

Dear Roommates,

Is it that hard to turn off the light in kitchen when you go to sleep, or the TV for that matter. Do you really need to set the A/C to 61 degrees? I spend 98% of my time at my girlfriend's apartment and almost never sleep here, yet the utility bill is $380.40! I stopped by the apartment when you were all gone for the weekend and every light was on, the TV was still on and the A/C was freezing.

THIS WEEK'S "YOU WRITE THE LETTER" WINNER!!

Dear Roommate,

I know how mistletoe works, but what do I get if I stand under this...herpes?

Clean up the apartment!

Someone's Not Preggers

Dear Roommate,

You got your period! Congrats! You’re officially a woman! Now could you please stop leaving your blood-residue streaked towels in the bathroom? No one wants to see that shit!

With Love and Midol,

Roomie

A Striking Dick

Dear Roommate,

I don't give a f*ck if you're on strike or not, you're not bringing your "movement" into our apartment. Start cleaning this place up!! You should have plenty of time now.

A Crabby Dick

Dear Roommate,

Just to make sure I got this straight. You had a hooker over, had sex on our futon, BROKE IT, and now you refuse to pay for a new one. No, I was not planning to get rid of it anyway! But thank you for fighting the good fight and buying crab shampoo. How can I thank you enough? You’re a dick.

Deep Throat Dick

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

An Itchy Dick

Dear Roommate,

I understand that you have dry scalp and your head gets itchy, but how about you use some Head and Shoulders? Your hair is falling out and gets all over my shit. Not only is it nasty, but it looks like your vagina sneezed pubes all over our room.

P.S Maybe this bottle I've left in the bathroom will give you the hint!

A Manipulative Dick

Dear Roommate,

Before I lived with you, I was happily debt-free. Somehow, after constantly paying rent, utilities, and food money with absolutely no help, I have depleted all my regular hard-earned money and resorted to taking out loans that I can barely afford to pay back. I wish I would at least get to have sex to substantiate having to support a 29 year old child. For some reason, you feel that manipulating people by making them feel like shit because you are such a fu*king loser is a good time.

Have fun telling future employers why you have a 10 year gap in employment. I guess you can always work for mommy and daddy! Here is a picture when you weren’t bald, a complete lard ass, and have bigger tits than your ex-girlfriend.

Forget Something?

Dear Roommate, 

Why was this in my DVD player when I got home?!!! This isn't mine. What the fu*k else do you do in my room when I'm not around? Keep you "alone" time to your our room! 

P.S I watched it last night...not bad.  

The Poser

Dear Roommate,

Hey Dick, why do you own 2 guitars when you can't even play one? I know you think it helps you get laid, but its CLEARLY not working. I haven't seen a girl come out of your room in months. Stop bitching about not having money and sell them already! 

A Daddy's Dick

Dear Roommate,

Just because you don't know how to use zip-lock bags or rubbermaid containers, doesn't mean you can move all MY stuff off the top shelf of the refrigerator so you can fit in your fucking pizza boxes!

Oh, and since your daddy owns the apartment, go ahead and tell him how you and the other roomie did ALL the cleaning and I did none and I was the evil one. Since he's as big of a dick as you are, he'll believe it, despite the fact that you and your butt buddy vacuumed the place one more time than I did during the year (bringing the grand total to TWICE)... 

THIS WEEK'S "YOU WRITE THE LETTER" WINNER!!

Dear Roommate,

I thought finding this in the shower this morning was funny until I saw the hole you cut. I'll be at the Motel 6 until our lease is up. You can keep my shower supplies.

Trashy Dick

Dear Roommate,

Trash Can, Roommate... Roommate, Trash Can. I'm glad you two have finally met. Now, share your shit with it and take it out every once it a while, make it feel special.

Oh, your smoking in the apartment is awesome, btw-- Keep it up. You smoke two packs a day (I thought that only happened in the movies) and the ash tray is always full, no matter how often I (ME! MYSELF! I!) take it out... really adds to the look we're going for in the living room.

Actually, right now, as I type this, I smell smoke. And you're not smoking. It's like the gift that keeps on giving.

Thanks.

Dick.

Revenge of the Roommate

A Balding Dick

Dear Roommate, 

If I have to pick one more of your huge hair-balls out of the drain in the shower, I am going to shave your head while you sleep. I understand that your hair is thick and falling out, but that doesn't render you incapable of removing your hair on your own when you finish showering. I am on my way to the store right now to buy the   hair clippers...hope you don't screw up after one of the three showers you take daily. 

                                           - Your New Hair Stylist 

A Girlfriend Blitz

Dear Roommate, 

Sundays are made for one thing, and that's doing jack shit but lying on the couch and watching football. I LIVE for this day every week...AND YOU ARE FUC*ING IT UP!!! Stop inviting your girlfriend to sit and watch the games with us. I have to blast the volume of the announcers just so I don't have to listen to her innane questions every 2 minutes. YES, it hurts when the players get tackled and NO, they aren't gossiping about each other in the huddles. Just kill me! 

No Use Crying Over a Dick Roommate

Dear Roommate, 

It's pretty simple really...MILK SPOILS!!! Whether its in the fridge or not, putting the cap back on is kinda necessary to keeping it fresh. I wouldn't bitch if you didn't do this EVERY TIME. What the hell is wrong with you? 

Roommate Rule #154: Stealing Beer Gets You Stabbed

Dick's Beware!! This was in the news today...

A Kenner man has been booked with attempted murder after he stabbed his roommate in an argument over a beer, Kenner police said.

Lazaro Castro, 25, accused Luis Salvador, 26, of drinking one of his beers, according to Detective Shaun Watson, a Kenner Police Department spokesman. The verbal argument escalated into a physical altercation when Castro hit Salvador in the face with his fist and at least once in the head with a 5-gallon plastic bucket, Watson said in a news release. Salvador armed himself with a kitchen knife after occupants in the apartment intervened and separated the two, the release said.

Salvador ran from the apartment to summon police, but because he spoke very little English, 911 dispatchers had a hard time determining the nature of his complaint, the release said. Salvador returned to the apartment where he was attacked from behind by Castro, which caused him to drop the kitchen knife. Castro retrieved the kitchen knife and began cutting and stabbing Salvador numerous times, the statement said. Salvador managed to escape the attack and flag down an officer in the street. He sustained severe lacerations to the head, face, arms, and legs and was transported to East Jefferson General Hospital in stable condition, the news release said.

G.I. Dick

Dear Roommate,

Buy some civilian bed sheets, brush your teeth, take a shower after PT, stop sleeping in your army issued sleeping bad, stop watching so much porno and jerking off while I am trying to sleep, I can see your silhouette on the ceiling beating off. Stop spending 600 dollars on lap dances, buy a damn car, stop leaving your shit in my car, we ain't that cool. Stop watching wrestling, stop leaving your hairs in the sink when you shave, flush the toilet when you piss, get a man's voice and stop squeaking when you talk, and just f*ck you...get out and go live in CQ.

PS: The Army offers free dental service.

A Litter-al Dick

Dear Roommate,

Since its become clear you're a little confused, allow me to explain. Just because it's a self-cleaning litter box doesn't mean it's going to sprout legs and dump itself into the trash can. Next time you let this smell up the apartment, I'm dumping it in your pillow.

Out of Tune Dick

Dear Roommate.

I didn’t mind it at first when you brought over hot guys that I could ogle at but once I realized they were part of your shitty band, all bets were off.
When I get home from work you guys are banging away on half a drum kit and out-of-tune instruments, which only adds to the unbearable noise you guys think is music. You and your cronies haven’t done jack all day but smoke pot and eat what food I do keep around. You’re 35–years-old and a loser…get a job and break up the band or I am burning your instruments.
Oh…and you’re a dick