Role Playing Dick

Dear Roommate,

You are the laziest person that I know. You will come up with excuses for EVERYTHING – if it means you don’t have to do anything or buy anything. You call out of work because you stay up till all hours of the night playing World of Warcraft and don’t want to turn the game off b/c you can’t pause it. You expect everyone to do your dishes – because if you just leave them sit long enough, one of us will get sick of looking at them and do them. You let the trash pile up and don’t take it out. You use the last of the TP, go get another role to finish wiping, but you can’t put the new roll on the thing and throw the old one out. Not to mention that when it’s your turn to buy new TP, everyone has to wait 3 weeks to wipe their ass because you refuse to do it until you actually decide that it might be time to wipe your own. You’re too busy playing World of Warcraft to even worry about cleaning that habitat you call a room. You wear the same clothes over and over again…sometimes, I don’t even know if they’re clean considering there’s really no separation between the trash strewn about on the floor of your room and clean and/or dirty clothes.


YOU LIVE HERE TOO. (You pay the least amount of rent, coincidently) HAVE A LITTLE RESPECT FOR EVERYONE ELSE AND DO YOUR FAIR SHARE. YOU’RE PATHETIC.

Dick Foreman

Dear Roommate,

The George Foreman is absolutely nasty!

C'mon, TWO plates filled with congealed charred fat!

Dishwasher Says it All

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for giving your fugly boyfriend a key to OUR apartment. I love awkwardly making small talk with him when you're not here and he is. BTW, his boobs are definitely a C cup. Probably larger. Also, the dishwasher isn't hard to open. How long are you going to leave your dishes laying around? When you get them out of the dishwasher and lament that there's still food stuck on them, I'm going to remind you, that had you washed them three weeks ago, there wouldn't be. WHY DO YOU DRIVE TO CLASS? You have gotten 13 parking violations - two TODAY. IN ONE DAY. WE LIVE ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE CAMPUS - LITERALLY. HOW LAZY ARE YOU? Why are you so dumb? You set off the smoke dectector "making pancakes"and had to WAKE ME UP to get it to stop. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? There's more, OH THERE'S MORE, but I think everyone gets the point. YOU'RE A DICK.

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! Jizz Rags Off the Carpet

Dear Roommate,

You're such a disgusting slob who refuses to wash your clothes. Rather than picking up your dirty laundry off the floor, you buy new clothes. You've done this through an entire school year, but the kicker was when you had to clean it all up for move-out day....By the time you got down to the carpet, you were ripping your dirty panties and jiz rags off the carpet. Lots of them. As in, after months of being compacted into the floor they had stuck to it. Needless to say, by the time you were through, the carpet was ruined. The icing on the cake was when you called over the summer to say that the school had sent a bill to replace the carpet and YOU wanted me to pay half. What a dick!

Pawn Dick

Dear Roommate,

You and your boyfriend "found" this TV outside our apartment and brought it inside to see if it worked. When you discovered that it was broken, you decided to either take it to a pawn shop or take it to the dumpster, which apparently exists TEN FEET FROM OUR DOOR. That was three weeks ago. Now its been transformed into a table. Get it out of the house, or I'm breaking it and putting the pieces of glass in your bed.

An Open-Shut Case, You're a Dick

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for kicking our door in when you were stupid enough to leave your keys inside. Knocking is one thing you might wanna try next time. It was also awesome of you to wait for a week to get it fixed. Thanks a lot door breaker.

Disrespectful Dick

Dear Roommate,

You got away with making the kitchen filthy to the point that I bought my own fridge for my room. I didn't mind you blasting WoW at all hours of the night, or having LAN parties that leave the place reeking of old chicken and BO. You did, however, cross a line when you BARGED in on my girlfriend and me and started screaming about disrespect like a goddamn ape. That line was bent over and violated when you refused to make good on that incident, and tried to raise the rent by $250. Whenever you decide to BARGE into my room for the rent, you'll be greeted with a couple little gifts from me. I wish I could be there to receive your thanks, but I'll be in California, finding myself a future. Enjoy your WoW, and sleeping alone on an air mattress on your 28th birthday.

Sloppy Dick

Dear Roommate,
I love being away for two weeks to find you sitting in our living room with all your garbage piled up around your 'desk'. Stop smiling at me when I ask you to clean it up. You're the reason we have rats! You're such a dick!

Little Dick in Da House

Dear Roommate aka little brother,

I'm sick of you trying to hang with my friends you're not 20 you're 13. Go jack off or just hang with your little 13 year old friends. Get a life. Plus stop hitting on my girlfriend she doesn't like you and she wishes you will just get one of your own.

P.S. i rubbed my ass on your tooth brush, enjoy

Cowboy Dick

Dear Roommate,

Three questions:
1. Why do I have to walk in on this?
2. What kind of sick fantasy were you acting out?
3. Where did you get those clothes?

Small Island, Big Tolerance

Dear Roommate,

Stop trying to regulate my beer drinking. I'm not a seventeen year old girl. 4 beers is nothing to a 6'1" Hawaiian.

A Forgetful Dick

Dear Roommate,

Take your god damn F #*ing keys with you...

I hope your new roommates are as easy going as I have been with you, especially when you go out
and forget to take your keys and then resort to either ringing my mobile or the door bell for 10 mins at 3 am until I let you in.

P.S No i dont have any change for the bus!

Dramatic Dick

Dear Roommate,

If I have to hear about how NO ONE loves you one more f*cking time and how f*cking fat you are I will puke in your OCD cleaned room. If I have to hear how you only "ate 3 grapes yesterday and a piece of cheese and then you drank 5 and 1.3 beers and went home with Frankenstein (but you, of course, didn't have sex with them -- you f*cking tease) I'll go insane.

Game On...Dick

Dear Roommate,

Do you know who wins when we play "Trash Jenga"....NO ONE!

Stop stacking trash! Just take it out!

Dick Done Locked You Out

Dear Roommate,

It would be pretty sweet if you could stop locking me out when I leave the apartment for like 2 minutes, climbing in through the window is only funny to you. Also the layer of filth you left in the bathroom sink and the nice mound of pubes in the bottom of the shower is still waiting for you to clean up. I'll be at my girlfriends place you nasty dick of a roommate.

Dick Deleter

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for DELETING Heroes even though I hadn't watched it yet. I hope there isn't another "accident" when your favorite show LOST returns.

This Dick Needs To Vent

Dear Roommate,

Roomie, our walls share a vent!!! My boyfriend and I love laughing at your "Dirty Talk", but if I have to listen JustinTimberlake, Counting Crows, or the phrase, "Does it feel good?" one more time -- I'm gonna go crazy.

Sleepy Dick

Dear Roommate,

I can tell you like to sleep, I mean, you do it nearly all day instead of going to class. Funny thing is, I also like to sleep. So when you set your alarm to wake you up at 7 am, please wake up at 7 am. Instead of having me wake up, tell you to turn off your alarm only for you to hit the SNOOZE so I can do the same thing every FIVE MINUTES until it's 9am - when I actually have to be up.

Destructive Dick

Dear Roommate,
You don't even f*cking live here yet you still manage to cause more damage then anyone who pays rent here. Thanks for mysteriously breaking the toilet and eating all of our food and passing out in the middle of the living room. Oh...wait...what's that? OF COURSE you can crash on our couch for the next week for free. We have plenty of shit left for you to break buddy.

Rock Dick

Dear Roommate,

You are NOT a Guitar Hero!

It's 3:30 AM. Go to bed!!!

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! The Vomitor

Dear Roommate,

Thank you for coming home wasted and throwing up your pasta marinara all over MY table. You didn't clean it up for two days and the house smelled like shit.

Signed,

The guy who had to clean it up. What a dick.

Don't Shit Where You Brush

Dear Dick Of A Roommate,

I just wanted to send you a quick thank you note for being such a great roommate. You drinking in our dorm cluster until 3 AM on a Wednesday did such wonders for my grades. And when you left me that voicemail of "eat shit and die, faggot", you raised a good point. I probably am a faggot seeing I don't f$ck any trash that roams into my field of vision like you. I was a bit worried about your gorgeous girlfriend back home, but you erased my doubts again by quoting Aristotle and saying "My hotdog needs a bun". I really can't argue with that logic. I could go on about the foul-smelling weed, your loser friends eating all of my food, destroying my hat rack, and stealing the TV, but I won't. I feel as though I've praised you enough. I did leave you a "thank you" present when I left. I hope you enjoyed it.

Hugs n Kisses,Your Favorite Roommate

PS - Enjoy your toothbrush

Furry Dick

Dear Roommate,

Hey you you furry piece of dick. You vomit on the floor, refuse to clean up after yourself, complain incessantly about the lack of food, but never go get anyone to cut your toenails. I can actually hear them clicking on the floor. You think grooming is a group event and to top it off you lick your ass in front of company. Seriously stop being such a dick

ps - I'm so glad I chopped off your balls when I had the chance

Samurai Dick

Dear Roomie,

I remember a time, not more than six months ago, when you still showered, brushed your teeth and did an occasional load of laundry. Those were the days, huh?

Well now that reeking pile of filth outside of your room is beginning to attract flies, and your breath consistently smells of a strange combination of sour milk and rotting vagina. Not to mention the dishes that I bought that YOU use that YOU refuse to clean.

By the way, that giant pile of beer cans outside your room is sitting on top of a huge dark brown stain, which I assume is because you put 200 half empty beer cans on top of it, and you might want to know the owner of the pussy you've been sucking that she has a serious problem. Brush your goddamn teeth and get your smelly ass out!

Sincerely,

The owner of the sword you're f$%*ing.

P.S. I'm gonna pop your air mattress with it.

Dick-quilla Sunrise

Dear Roommate,

Mexico + 1/2 bottle of Tequilla and my dick of a roommate thinks its ok to dry hump me?

Door Dick

Dear Roomie,

Remember how you NEVER SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR even in the winter when it’s -5 outside and we have oil heat for f$%*’s sake. And remember how your asshole hookup walked in on me in the shower and then didn’t even f$%*ing apologize? NO? Well for an animal lover you sure dropped my poor pet rabbit on the floor every f$%*ing night you got drunk. And by the way, it’s not unreasonable to ask you to pay your share of the bill within two months of receiving it! And no, I wasn’t f$%*ing every guy that walked through our door – I just can have a male friend without F$%*ING HIM!!!
Love,

Your Roommate!

The Dunt

Dear Dick Roommate Web site,


I had a guy I used to work with call me up at work one night and ask me for a favor. He drove his car through a huge puddle and it flooded out and stalled. He needed me to come pick him up from work, and a place to stay that night. He ended up staying with me for a month and a half. He had said his house had gotten broken into, and he didn't want to go back and was trying to find a new place. I got stuck supporting him for a month. To make it worse, I had things start to come up missing, and nobody else was ever in the house. I had a bucket of change that had 400 dollars in it, and he stuffed the bottom with paper towels and threw what change was left on top of it to make it look full. He stole my checkbook and forged a check to the liquor store. He kept coming up with lies to weasel his way into staying with me longer until i finally couldn't take it anymore and booted him out. My roommate was a dick and a cunt. He was a dunt!

Wonder What He Does In The Shower

Dear Ex-Roommate,

Thanks so much for pissing in the sink. I appreciate the smell of urine while brushing my teeth ever so much.

Thumbs Up If You're a Dick Part II

Dear Roommate,

Just because we had one keg left from our party, doesn't mean it's a good idea to sell it for ten bucks. I and the other three people you live with would have gladly drank it.

- thirsty and sober

An Ungrateful Dick

Dear roomate,

I am really starting to think that you're gay because you will not man up and get with chicks. I wish you would locate your balls and get the nerve to close the deal on some serious ass.

Sincerely, The guy who is trying to get you laid but is dealing with a homo

Room For Rent

Dear Roommate,

I'm kicking you out.

WANTED:

A female roommate who does NOT allow her friends to screw in her roommate's bed when she's away. Especially one who does not lie and claims that no one used my room while I was gone.

A Dirty Dick

Dear Roommate,

I'm pretty sure you ate pasta....how do I know? Because the dish has been STARING AT ME FOR A GOD DAMN WEEK! Not to mention the 30 glasses. In case you forgot, the dishwasher is three feet to the left.

Double-Fisting Dick

Dear Roomate,

You go out 5 nights a week, get drunk and call the same ugly fat girl to get your dick wet. So you leave me two options: cry myself to sleep to the sound of you porking that bitch. OR sleeping in the lounge on a tinyass ikea furniture. F-you, you chubby chasing son of a bitch

-The guy you share mailbox with

What a dick -- Period

Dear Roommate,

I don't know much about sharing an apartment with a girl, but I DO KNOW that our toilet cannot handle your tampons. I won't tell you again.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Protein Ass

Dear Roommate,

Ever since you started taking protein shakes and weight gainer, your stink has gotten unbearable. Stop dropping ass all over the apartment. You reek.