When Dicks Box...There Are No Winners

Dear Roommate,

Hey dick, our living room isn't a storage locker.

We live four miles from your mother's house. Go drop your crap off in her garage with the rest of your worthless shit.

Hung Up Over the Little Things

Dear Roommate,

I'm not sure if I should laugh, or hide the sharp objects. How do you know how to tie a real noose?

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! Someone Got Trashed

Dear Roommate,

Listen, we're all totally psyched you nabbed a boy-toy! And we're glad you're finally having sex....but there's no need to PROVE IT to us by leaving your used condoms in the KITCHEN TRASH!!! UR Nasty Girl!

Red Envelope = Dick

Dear Roommate,

Hmmm...remember when I asked you to move my car while I was away...and you said you would.

Thanks, Bitch.

This Music Blows

Dear Roommate,

Your new "trinket" is extremely annoying at night.

Dick Licker

Dear Roommate,

You're also my boyfriend. Stop kissing the dog. I don't want to taste doggie crotch anymore.

(Now you know why I bought the Listerine -- sorry, but it's gross)

Corporate Cowboy

Dear Roommate,

Get this the F*ck out of our home!

You work in finance you f*ckin tool. Lose the "peacemaker"!

A Dick's Guide to Decorating

Dear Roommate,

Please stop using milk crates as shelves. You're nearly 30 and not in college anymore. I would bring home some chicks if I weren't embarrassed by our decor.

Bring Out the Gimp

Dear Roommate,

If you're going to bring six people in the room to get high on ecstasy
and chain a girl to the bed naked for six hours, please don't do it at
7 in the morning on the day of my Calculus midterm, and for your sake try to find a hotter girl.

Sincerely,
A passive-aggresive jerk with a cameraphone

The Laundry, the Dick, and the Wardrobe

Dear Roommate,

I know it's your own room and all, but can you please close the fu%*ing door!! Better yet, try getting a dresser and folding your fu%*ing clothes.

Hope He's Using Rubber Bands...

Dear Roommate,

You keep causing me to have fights with my girlfriend!!! Every time you steal a condom my girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her. I'd rather you steal my wallet at this point and buy yourself your own stash.

BTW, I've seen you naked a ton of times...Your tiny dick swimming in that oversized balloon is gonna get some girl pregnant.

Pencil Dick

Dear Roommate,

Why do you have so many pens, pencils, and markers? Where do you get them from? Do you have a secret job at Office Depot? This is really starting to annoy me!!

A New Kind of Water Torture...

Dear Roommate,

I thought it was cool at first when you decided to get spring water delivered to our apartment every month, but either cut down on the order or fu%ing drink some.

Maxim-um Dick

Dear Roommate,

Why do you still have SEVEN year old Maxim magazines? Since your 27 years old, I'll let you in on a little secret...Maxim hasn't been cool for at least 5 years! Stop being a dick and start reading Playboy like a real man.

Someone Had the Sniffles

Dear Roommate,

I was cool enough to let you use my computer 'cause yours won't go online. But it's not like I don't know what you're doing when a zillion pop ups fill my screen.

My real problem, though, is when you leave your fu#%ing cum tissue on my desk! Hope you enjoyed your shower this morning - I put nair in your shampoo.

FU#%ING DICK!

A Homicidal Dick

Dear Roommate,

Your penchant for taking ambien and leaving me homicidal notes is getting a little scary. I don't like waking up to these every morning. Part of me wants to get you help and the other part of me just wants to get you a book on proper grammer. I'm glad the world now knows my roommate is a DICK...just in case my body shows up in the woods one day.

A Wart-thless Dick!

Dear Roommate,

I had the pleasure of tasting my breakfast for a second time when I saw you used a picture of your foot as my desktop background. It wouldn't have been so bad if you didn't just have wart removal surgery. I'm going to get you back, bitch. GAME ON!!!!

When Dicks Multitask...

Dear Roommate,

Does flossing in the shower really save you THAT much time. I'm gald you're trying to improve your oral hygiene, but give me a f%cking break.

Yesterday one of your "Floss Leavins" touched me and I threw up in my mouth. I can't take it anymore - I'm moving out this week.

A Doggone Dick

Dear Roommate,

You shit on the bathroom floor and drink from the toilet. I hope you don't leave any flees or mites on the seat. Then you want to sit next on me. Your nails are so long and make so much noise when you walk, that I wake up at 3am. I also hate waking up with your toilet tongue on my face. What is it with you and the bathroom? You stole a whole roll of toilet paper and ripped it into little tiny bits all over the living room.

P.S. The dog catcher is coming!!!

An Un-Handy Dick

Dear Roommate,

Showing me how to turn on the water with "just a screwdriver" is not "fixing" it. You broke it, you call the landlord, dick!

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! Keyboard Never Saw it Coming

Dear Roommate,

Thank you for allowing me to walk in on you masturbating to gay porn, in my room, on MY COMPUTER. It has granted me the pleasure of never feeling safe or comfortable in this room again. And the fact that you "cleaned up after doing it times before", does not console me in the least. I can't believe my mom paid for your dinner after that. You're a dick, please keep you genitals away from my keyboard and mouse. Also, you owe me at least $50 for all the toilet paper I've bought this year, so stop cheaping out on rent by claiming you paid for some groceries one time.

SITE CRASHED...BLAME THE DICK ROOMMATE!

Dear Roommate,

What did I tell you about messing with my computer when I'm not around. You caused my site to crash. You truly are a Dick!

The Dick Wears Prada

Dear Roommate,

Our bathtub is not your personal trash can! Where the hell were you raised? Six months you've been tossing hangers in the tub - I can't take it!! I'm gonna go "Mommy Dearest" on your ass.

Rifle, Paper, Sledgehammer -- Shoot

Dicks Beware! This was in the news today...

Moss Bluff - A 56-year-old man accused of beating his roommate to death with a sledgehammer and a claw hammer was arrested Monday morning.

Franklin Paul Crow was charged with homicide in the weekend death of Kenneth Matthews, 58. Crow is being held without bond in the Marion County Jail. Authorities with the Marion County Sheriff's Office said the suspect beat the victim in the head with a sledgehammer in their Southeast 95th Street Road after getting upset there was NO TOILET TISSUE in the home.

According to an arrest affidavit, Crow told detectives the two were arguing over the TOILET TISSUE when Matthews PULLED A RIFLE on him. Crow added he knocked the rifle out of Matthews' hand with the handle of a sledgehammer before striking him several times. Then he said that he picked up a claw hammer and hit the victim twice with the claw end, according to the affidavit.

Thomas Bibb said the suspect initially denied his involvement with the crime, at first blaming it on a local motorcycle gang. Bibb said after detectives were able to knock holes in his story and alibi, Crow confessed to the crime and was charged around 4 a.m. Monday. The sledgehammer was found in the backyard of the home.

OMG, U R a DICK

Dear Roommate,

BIG difference between butler and roommate. Go buy your own f%cking beer!

A Sea of Red - One Whale of a Dick

Dear Roommate,

You threw a party while I was gone, no worries. In fact, I'm pissed I missed it. It looked f'n sweet. How do I know? Maybe cause I've been staring at the MESS for TWELVE DAYS!!!

BTW - A freshman stopped by yesterday asking if he could pledge our house. What the hell happened during this party!?

Shit, That's a Busy Week

Dear Roommate,

A) I was only gone for one week - how did you use up ALL the toilet paper!

B) If you use it all - why wouldn't you buy more!!!

C) I wouldn't use your wash cloth for some time -- sorry you left me no other choice.

Feet Don't Fail Me Now

Dicks Beware! This Was In The News Today...

A Texas man is accused of stabbing his roommate to death because the man complained about his "stinky feet," local media reports. The two men rented a small bedroom in a Houston apartment from a married couple with a baby.

The mother and child were sitting outside Saturday evening when the men started drinking in their room, the Houston Chronicle reported Monday. They started fighting about the man's "stinky feet" and the woman peered into the room to see one of the men holding a knife in his hands, said Sgt. M. Sosa of the homicide squad.

"By the time she got inside, he was on top of the other man," he told the paper.

The women fled and called for help, and then the roommate "comes after her and says, 'I didn't mean to do it, I didn't mean to do it,'" Sosa said.

William Antonio Serrano, 22, was charged with murder. The victim's identity was not released. He was pronounced dead at the scene with multiple stab wounds.

Role Playing Dick

Dear Roommate,

You are the laziest person that I know. You will come up with excuses for EVERYTHING – if it means you don’t have to do anything or buy anything. You call out of work because you stay up till all hours of the night playing World of Warcraft and don’t want to turn the game off b/c you can’t pause it. You expect everyone to do your dishes – because if you just leave them sit long enough, one of us will get sick of looking at them and do them. You let the trash pile up and don’t take it out. You use the last of the TP, go get another role to finish wiping, but you can’t put the new roll on the thing and throw the old one out. Not to mention that when it’s your turn to buy new TP, everyone has to wait 3 weeks to wipe their ass because you refuse to do it until you actually decide that it might be time to wipe your own. You’re too busy playing World of Warcraft to even worry about cleaning that habitat you call a room. You wear the same clothes over and over again…sometimes, I don’t even know if they’re clean considering there’s really no separation between the trash strewn about on the floor of your room and clean and/or dirty clothes.


YOU LIVE HERE TOO. (You pay the least amount of rent, coincidently) HAVE A LITTLE RESPECT FOR EVERYONE ELSE AND DO YOUR FAIR SHARE. YOU’RE PATHETIC.

Dick Foreman

Dear Roommate,

The George Foreman is absolutely nasty!

C'mon, TWO plates filled with congealed charred fat!

Dishwasher Says it All

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for giving your fugly boyfriend a key to OUR apartment. I love awkwardly making small talk with him when you're not here and he is. BTW, his boobs are definitely a C cup. Probably larger. Also, the dishwasher isn't hard to open. How long are you going to leave your dishes laying around? When you get them out of the dishwasher and lament that there's still food stuck on them, I'm going to remind you, that had you washed them three weeks ago, there wouldn't be. WHY DO YOU DRIVE TO CLASS? You have gotten 13 parking violations - two TODAY. IN ONE DAY. WE LIVE ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE CAMPUS - LITERALLY. HOW LAZY ARE YOU? Why are you so dumb? You set off the smoke dectector "making pancakes"and had to WAKE ME UP to get it to stop. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? There's more, OH THERE'S MORE, but I think everyone gets the point. YOU'RE A DICK.

DICK OF THE WEEK!!! Jizz Rags Off the Carpet

Dear Roommate,

You're such a disgusting slob who refuses to wash your clothes. Rather than picking up your dirty laundry off the floor, you buy new clothes. You've done this through an entire school year, but the kicker was when you had to clean it all up for move-out day....By the time you got down to the carpet, you were ripping your dirty panties and jiz rags off the carpet. Lots of them. As in, after months of being compacted into the floor they had stuck to it. Needless to say, by the time you were through, the carpet was ruined. The icing on the cake was when you called over the summer to say that the school had sent a bill to replace the carpet and YOU wanted me to pay half. What a dick!

Pawn Dick

Dear Roommate,

You and your boyfriend "found" this TV outside our apartment and brought it inside to see if it worked. When you discovered that it was broken, you decided to either take it to a pawn shop or take it to the dumpster, which apparently exists TEN FEET FROM OUR DOOR. That was three weeks ago. Now its been transformed into a table. Get it out of the house, or I'm breaking it and putting the pieces of glass in your bed.

An Open-Shut Case, You're a Dick

Dear Roommate,

Thanks for kicking our door in when you were stupid enough to leave your keys inside. Knocking is one thing you might wanna try next time. It was also awesome of you to wait for a week to get it fixed. Thanks a lot door breaker.

Disrespectful Dick

Dear Roommate,

You got away with making the kitchen filthy to the point that I bought my own fridge for my room. I didn't mind you blasting WoW at all hours of the night, or having LAN parties that leave the place reeking of old chicken and BO. You did, however, cross a line when you BARGED in on my girlfriend and me and started screaming about disrespect like a goddamn ape. That line was bent over and violated when you refused to make good on that incident, and tried to raise the rent by $250. Whenever you decide to BARGE into my room for the rent, you'll be greeted with a couple little gifts from me. I wish I could be there to receive your thanks, but I'll be in California, finding myself a future. Enjoy your WoW, and sleeping alone on an air mattress on your 28th birthday.